Have I got it all wrong? HELP!! !!

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I got to the end of my post and had to come back to warn, it's long!! ! I didn't want to leave anything out, I thought it only fair to give the full picture. I hope I explained what happened well.
I need some advice, I'm not sure if I've handled this well or if I've stuffed it all up. Do I take him at his word? I certainly don't want my son thinking that I think he is helpless or less than what he is. Have any of you gone threw this sort of thing?


My 12 year old son got very cross with me yesterday. He heard me telling some one how proud I was of him for attending a school related function, that more than 3000 other kids were attending. To clarify, he wasn't cross that I was actually talking to this person about him, but he said he was cross that I thought he couldn't do it.

I had a talk with him, because certainly I don't want him thinking that I think he is helpless and wont let him do things that NT kids do.

I explained to him, had I thought that he couldn't attend this event, I wouldn't have asked him if he wanted to go. I would have just told his teachers, NO he isn't going. He then said," but when I said yes I wanted to go, mum you asked me if I was sure. If I wasn't sure I would have said maybe or I don't know".

I apologized to him for my choice of words, then I went on to explain...J I asked you if you wanted to go to this event, you said yes! I thought that was fantastic, because even I would be uncomfortable with that many other people around and with so much noise, a lot of people that don't have autism or aspergers wouldn't have wanted to go to that event. Then I explained to him that I ran threw the list of what I knew was going to happen at this event ie. there would be more than 3000 other kids, it would be noisy, you will travel by train, you will need to meet with your teacher very early and you will be there all day, this person, this person and this person will be giving talks to you all. I then asked if you were still sure you wanted to go. I asked again because you now had more of an idea about what the day was going to be like. I didn't want you to walk into a room not knowing that it was going to be so full of people and feel like it was all to much. J then said "but you say that I don't like crowds and lots of noise!! !" I said "I can only go by what you tell me and what I see for myself. I have never said J you can't do something because there will be to many people there I have always asked you if you wanted to try it first. I am always super proud of you for trying things". Perhaps I won't give you the choice any more, I will simply say J you are going to this event! and that's all there is to it?
Do you want me to do that?
I reminded him of what happened just before we got to where we were standing at that moment. (outside my sisters house, waiting to go visit with members of our extended family that we haven't seen in a while.)
J when I told you to get ready this morning you asked me where we were going, even though I had already told you for the past two days. You asked me who was going to be at Aunty S's house. When I gave you the list of names, you said but that's to many people, and asked Do we have to go? So to me, I think by your reaction, that you don't particularly like crowds. Another example, you've told myself and other people at school that you don't like your classroom because there are to many people in the room and it's to noisy. You don't like to go out to restaurants, you say you feel sick and want to go home again, because you tell me it's to noisy, to smelly and too many people. You've told me many many times, when I've wanted to take you some where "there are to many people" . We've gone to places where you've asked me to take you home again because it's to noisy and you've had your hands over your ears or had me hold my hands over your ears.
If I've got this all wrong I'm really sorry, but I can only try and do what I think is best for you based on what I've seen and from what you've told me yourself.
He then said to me " I'm really sorry mum, I guess I got it wrong. Parents do know best". I had to say to him, " J please don't just agree with me now to shut me up, If I have got it all wrong, tell me what you would like me to do. I'm not cross with you at all, you have the right to your opinion. People change, things change, so what worked in the past may not be working now. I just want to support you the best way I can. I am extremely proud of you and I personally think you can achieve just about anything you set your mind to."
I then asked him again if there was something he wanted me to do differently. His response was "no I guess I got it all wrong, I'm sorry mum? He hugged me and we went inside- where I might add he now seamed really happy.

We've had the same reaction from my son when I say I'm proud of things, but I've skipped the long talks. Not sure which way is best; perhaps it depends on the person and family. I've just used a short sentence to explain myself, he seems cool with it, and we move on. But he is that way; spending lots of time talking about relationship stuff or having to listen to me explain why I think and act as I do would annoy him.

I wonder if life is just matter of fact to our kids. What they can and want to do, and what they can't. It's like they don't see themselves crossing that fuzzy line of "difficult." They just do it, or they don't do it. We see struggle and hard work; they see a simple decision to do or not to do. If you make the decision to do, all the negative stuff that comes along is simply part of the package; you adapt because its part of the deal. Does that make any sense?

Or maybe it's a teen thing: don't see me as incapable of doing anything and everything I choose to do.

I'm not sure, just noting that I've seen the same thing.

So. It sounds like the talk went well. Don't second guess; you'll drive yourself nuts

It did go well
For clarification, I am autistic myself. I can see two things here: he thought you had said you were proud of him for "pushing himself further than what he could handle", and thought it was a bit insulting . You clarified that you were proud of him for doing something you were sure he could handle but couldn't have handled in the past, which means he has grown, and he hadn't thought of that, children see themselves in a sort of linear way, they don't see themselves grow up. So, he got your meaning wrong, told you so, and forgot about it
All is good in my opinion! (you are a very patient and understanding mother by the way, this is so rare....)

It sounds like it went well to me too. He thought that you meant that he couldn't handle the trip and felt insulted, but as soon as he fully understood your concerns and you affirmed your faith in his abilities he felt fine.

I had a similar conversation with my son just yesterday. He went to a birthday party at one of those places with all the arcade games, and I was very concerned about how he would do with all the noise and chaos. So I described the place and what would likely happen at the party, very much like you did for your son, and asked him a few times if he was "sure" he wanted to go. He got exasperated with me at one point and said, "Why do you think I don't want to go?" I explained my concerns about the noise etc, and he replied with "Mom, I think you should know that noise doesn't bother me as much as it used to." OK...good to know. He went to the party and did very well, although was a little off kilter for the rest of the day, which is to be expected. He is growing and feeling more confident in his abilities, and his sensory system is changing as he grows, allowing him to handle more. I guess I just need to keep up.

Thanks so much for the replies.
I think sometimes as a parent (for me any way) you can tend to start to second guess your self, especially when your operating outside "the box" and going against a lot of "typical" traditional parenting styles, so to speak. I guess J getting upset with me, probably got to me more, because I can see he has enough to deal with and I certainly don't ever want to add to his stress levels or negative feelings of self worth.

I had a fantastic talk with J yesterday on the way to one of his doctor's appointments. It is so exciting for me to get information out of him. I've found he has to be in the right mood and he has to be prepared to talk, other wise we both end up upset and frustrated. I'm sure most AS parents may know what I'm talking about.

Any way, one of the things that I asked him was for him to tell me if he could what HE thought bothered him ( I had to add, ha ha ha apart from your brother!) or what he thought he struggled with. These are some of the things he said;
*I don't always mean what I say, I get confused and find it hard to explain what I mean sometimes. I don't always know what words to use.
*I some times don't like crowds and noise, it depends on my mood.
*I really don't like change of any sort.
* I'm paranoid, I think people aren't going to like me. If someone looks at me I think they are looking at me because they don't like me and they think I'm weird or annoying or stupid.
*I don't like to tell people when I'm upset because I don't want other people to be upset or to be cross with me. If they are upset with me then I think they won't like me. Also there is no point telling my teachers because they don't do anything about it any way.
*I don't always understand what people say, because sometimes I think I understand, but they mean something else.

He said a few more things that I just can't recall at the moment, but to get this much information out of him in one go is huge. So I now know I am on the right track. I guess I'll just keep plugging away.

Once again thanks so much for the replies, it's comforting to know someone out there gets it and I'm not alone. It's also nice to be reassured every now and then that I'm not stuffing up my son's life.

It sounds like J has really good self-insight

I think the problem is, though it cannot be held against you or any of the other parents here, is you do view AS as a disability which makes your son emotionally or psychologically more needy than NT kids, rather than a different way of thinking and perceiving the world.

My father happened to be discussing his pride in my with another person, in my presence a while back, and while I didn't resent the fact that he was proud of me for my accomplishments, because they are considered quite significant by any standards, I was a bit shocked an infuriated when he mentioned that he and my mother thought I would be in a group home as an adult.

Perhaps this was just the perceptions of my father, who has his own issues, but I had no idea my parents ever had such doubts of me, and it really underscored the fact that my parents really didn't understand or know me as well as I would have liked. I realize now that I am partially responsible for that, as communication and expression are a two way street, and I'm afraid I adhered to DSM-IV diagnostic criteria I(C)

(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)

as a child.

It's important to remember that children with AS just have a different set of stressors than NT children, not more stressors, and because it's a different set, there are going to be situations that people with AS have trouble dealing with, that NT's do not, and things that NT's have trouble dealing with, that people with AS do not.

Example: Public speaking, in front of a packed auditorium, is something that many NT's have a massive fear of. Yet many people with AS may not have a problem with this.
But a person with AS may get stressed or anxious over having to go to a family function where there will be many relatives they do not know very well.

The reason is, with there are enough people, they lose their individuality and blend into a crowd, and so generally do not have to be dealt with. They become part of the background, and if a person with AS has trouble, it's simply because it's busy and they feel like they are being attacked by a flock of birds.

In a smaller groups situation, people maintain their individuality and expect to be interacted with. Now there are a lot of things the that have to be paid attention to and a lot of social navigation that must take place.

You see, the dynamics are entirely different.