AS children and siblings...

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We are currently waiting for our son to be assessed to see if he is on the spectrum.

He is 5 and has a 2 year old sister, their relationship seems perfectly normal, they fight for attention and toys, occasionally play together, sing together etc etc.

I was wondering about experiences in a wider sense about relationships between siblings where AS is present since so often social problems are a key issue. Is this just a separate relationship like between parents and anAS child or are there issues that mirror problems with socialising outside the family home? I appreciate we are looking at a spectrum and probably a myriad of experience but I'd be interested to hear what people's experiences have been.

If only mine got along. My siblings. Both are on the spectrum. But both present their symptoms in very different ways. The 19 year old is hyperactive, always has been. The 14 year old is quiet and doesn't spend much time socializing. But get them into a situation were they both want something and oh lordy, we're going to have a big problem.

I have an ADD daughter and an aspie son. They get along as most brothers and sisters. She's visiting Australia right now and he misses her terribly. I think since they grow up with each other, and we are with each other 24/7 due to homeschooling, he really learns about her and how to deal with her. He also wants friends very much so he has to learn what it is to get along with NT boys. This takes far more effort to teach him. My son does really well with one or two boys coming over but going to camps and stuff, he has trouble with kids laughing at him.

I think the relationship between an AS sibling and an NT sibling is much different than between an AS child and any other peer. They are siblings after all so its a little different than normal socializing. My two boys, one AS and one NT, do love eachother very much and the AS one expresses that openly with his brother. I jsut have to be careful sometimes when they play together as normal childhood "fighting" gets too extreme when AS son is overwhelmed.

I still think it is interesting though because it suggests to some extent that there are key differences in how the brain processes things between family life and outside. Maybe that's not a surprise on some levels but it may suggest there is a specific reason for that...you would tend to think some of the skills involved would overlap....

My son knows his younger sister in ways he cannot know anyone else, and she knows him, so the AS doesn't really create much of a barrier; they have a healthy and normal love - hate sibling relationship.

The main thing he just can't manage, that I ascribe to the AS, is holding his tongue when she is looking for praise he doesn't think she has earned. And he can't keep his mouth shut when she is upset, regardless of knowing full well he'll make things worse. On the former, he's being stubborn, having decided that regardless of social convention, it's wrong to "lie," and it's like he's determined to harden her to the truth no matter how upset it makes her. She's family and social convention is, well, for "other" people, in what seems to be his view. On the later, he does wish he could learn to hold his tongue, but the words are always blurted out before he remembers the effect his input always has; he is, actually, eager to help, just lacking tact he is totally unable to.

Benjamin - I think that whenever anyone has known another person literally since they were born, or especially if both were born close enough that they can't remember not knowing each other, they will find each other's company normal and comfortable, or at least more so than the company of a relative newcomer. Cause what is "normal" if not what one knows first and best.

I think unconditional love comes into play in the family situation that doesn't exist outside the home. I think that with many AS kids, though undoubtedly not all, they innately understand that people at home will accept them quirks and all whereas other people, teachers, peers, etc. are not as understanding. This affect may be more pronouced between kids and parents but I think it is true with siblings too.

i know ive commented before on the "normality" of the relationship between my 5 yo autie and his brothers, especially his 7 yo NT brother. my little autie does not play with other children, not even the kids hes gone to school with for two years. even having them talk to him and want to play with him gives him a lot of anxiety. he is not interested in any social interaction with them at all, and in fact would prefer to prevent it from happening. the only times he speaks to them is to correct their behavior when they are doing something wrong, and even doing that makes him angry at them because he sees it as them making him talk to them.

when he plays with his 7 yo NT brother, its completely different. there are the usual difficulties for him with communication, such as literal interpretations, but the anxiety from the socialization is not there. even some of the communication issues, such as difficulty initiating and sustaining conversation, are less with his brothers, even less than they are with us, his parents. their relationship is the most typical he is ever likely to have.

what i see with my little autie is there is "us" and then there's "them". us is his immediate family, those he lives with. them is everyone else. sometimes someone can make the transition from them to us, but its rare. even my sister, his aunt, hasnt made it all the way to us, and hes known her for years. we do have a neighbor child who has been accepted almost as family, he is the 7 yo's best friend, and he is 9 so not part of my auties peer group really. my autie will talk to him some, the only outside child he talks to, and thats as close as hes ever gotten to making a friend.

my SO is also classic autistic, and maintains the same dividing lines, us and them. for him, the us category is very small, including only me, his kids, and his mom. maybe his brother and two high school friends he rarely talks to online. his sisters are not really part of the us group. my sister is closer to the us group than his own sisters, hes known her for 12 years and we live close to her.