Functional, every day profile of a HFA child

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Ok...I don't know if this is a workable toppic....please let me know if there is another place where I could find this info or just add on to this post.

What I' want to know.....specifickly from parents or people working with HFA preteens or so, what does your child tipickly look like or what makes him stand out or different from other kids.....Why I ask this question is: If I search criteria or something in that line on google I end up with the same old DSM criteria...ect. What I'm looking for is every day, day to day things that you have observed from your HFA kid....because I'm still struggling with exceptance with the diagnosis of the pdoc that my son has HFA...so I want a profile to read and say to myself Jip...this is him allright or NO not at all. Yes I know every person is unique, but I have learned so much from reading from other parents experience...

The things about my son that I see...just some of it is:

-His levels of stress and irritability that increases with any change in his day program, for example...their school closed for the holidays today and he complained about stomach ache.
-He does well with 1-2 friends , makes eye contact and has plenty of superficial friends, but gets overwhelmed by groups, withdraw, gets 'blank' facial expression.
-Struggles to 'read between the lines'(but maybe he is to young? Turning 8 this month)
-Gets obsessed with a topic......very perfectionistic
-Struggles to express his feelings in propper words
-A bit egosentric in conversations.....struggle with showing empathy, but does care about others.

Ok...this is it for now...oh and Sensory sensitive!! !

A lot of parents have trouble accepting the diagnosis, so you certainly aren't alone. I am NOT a parent, btw, but I am an adult with autism...which means, of course, I was also once an 8 year old with autism. There is a saying which is repeated quite frequently and you may have heard of it: if you've met one person with autism...then you've met one person with autism. There is not one single profile for 8 year old that will encompass all autistic 8 year olds. I know you realize this, of course, but just pointing it out. As for your description of your son, it does sound like ASD to me.

When I was 8 I had very few friends. I simply could not play with more than one person at a time. Not that I really "played" like the average 8 year old, but anyway, I could not do whatever it was that I did with more than one person present. In groups, I either parallel played or went off to be alone.

Stress for the change in your son's routine is VERY common for children on the spectrum. As an 8 year old, I had issues with similar things. I actually liked snow days because one of my favourite things to do was sit in the snow for hours and play by myself. Still though, generally a change in routine or in my surroundings (or transitioning from one place to another) led to stress and often meltdowns. This is quite normal for an autistic child.

He might ALWAYS struggle to read between the lines. A lot of children get better at this as they grow into adults, but many do not. When I was 8, I could never read between the lines (and if I attempted it, I was always wrong anyway). I take things literally, and what people say to me better be what they mean because that is how I will take it. The was the same for me when I was 5, 8, 13, 27. While not ALL autistic people display this trait, it IS definitely completely normal. Just try not to use ambiguous speech with your son, and say whatever it is you mean to prevent misunderstandings (and possibly unnecessary hurt feelings).

Getting obsessed with a topic just SCREAMS: Aspergers or HFA! Most people with AS or HFA have these obsessions. When I was 8, my obsession was culture, geography, flags. I liked to spend a lot of time reading about them, talking about them (when I chose to talk), and drawing flags. People on the spectrum frequently talk about the their obsessions and themselves and I was no exception. I continue it to this day, but I also did the same when I was 8. I always relate what other people say back into either my obsession, something I did, or some other experience I have had. I have NO other way of sustaining a conversation. If I do not relate it back to me, then I say nothing. Again, this is my 27 year old self, but it was also my 8 year old self. Some people on the spectrum do improve on this, particularly if they are mild (high-functioning does not have to mean mild). Many of us do not. Your son may always do this (I have no idea how to teach him otherwise or if it is even possible--perhaps some parents who have tried certain therapies will speak on this....I never received therapy though, so for me, it is currently impossible to change). Whether he has a more reciprocal conversation or not, keep in mind that this behaviour at his age or at any other age is completely normal for the average person on the spectrum.

When I was 8, I also had a lot of trouble expressing my feelings. This would to either silence, frustration (on my part or on the part of others), and sometimes even meltdowns (I had frequent meltdowns). I also have alexithymia which is very common in people on the spectrum. Your son could very well have this too. The very basic definition is simply that the affected person cannot properly identify and express/explain the feelings of others and of themselves.

I have mindblindness, and I had this for my entire life. It is likely related to alexithymia, and I have impaired Theory of Mind. This (impaired ToM) is quite common in people with classic autism and can occur--but much less common--in people with Aspergers. As a result, I also lack empathy. I really cannot empathize at all because I cannot put myself into another person's mind. That certainly does not mean I do not care about and/or love other people. I also can have sympathy (ie. even though I can empathize, I still know the death of a loved one is bad, and I can sympathize for the family members who lost this person.) I show very little emotion (or sometimes I show the wrong emotion or too much emotion when it is uncalled for--but usually I show very little or none at all). Many people with AS and HFA struggle with empathy and emotions (that being said, there are many who also do not and there are many with AS on the general forum who will say that they feel they empathize TOO much sometimes....but I am just pointing out that this is completely normal for your son. Lack of empathy is not uncommon or abnormal for those with ASD.) Just like your son, when I was 8, I had no empathy but still cared for others. We are not robots and we are not made of stone--so of course, we care for others. Sometimes we might SEEM rude or blunt (rudeness is often unintentional), but it does not mean we do not care. When I was 8, I often could not understand why people would get mad at me or why some things that I said made them sad/mad. Still, if I hurt someone's feelings--even unintentionally--I would feel bad and would usually apologize to them (could not empathize, but could sympathize/care).

Don`t even get me started on sensory issues. As a child, MANY of my meltdowns were related to sensory issues. One good example of when I was 8: I made my first communion, and I was forced to wear this fancy white dress. It was full of lace, and it hurt SOOOOO much. I was made to wear it and didn`t have a choice, but I ended up covering myself in bandaids underneath so I could not feel the lace (still uncomfortable, but not painful like the lace). At that age (and every other age) I also had to cut out all the tags on my clothes. I also would only eat bland, plain foods, and usually disliked any mixing of the food on my plate. Have many other examples, but those are specifics from the age of 8.

Also I have a nephew who is also 8 years old. While he does not have a diagnosis, I am 99.9% positive he will be diagnosed with Aspergers at some point in his life. Compared to me, he is quite mild though. He was actually the reason I began researching autism when he was around 1 or 2--because I was convinced then that he had it.

Considering the current age of 8 alone (not his early childhood): he is quite sociable and loves to play with other kids, but he has to play what he wants, when he wants it, and how he wants to. If the other kids do not wish to cooperate, he is fine going and playing by himself. He has a difficulty compromising much of the time (though he can on occasion, even if he never likes it). While he can play with more than one child and loves having friends, his interactions are often odd, and you can tell there is something different between the way he socializes and the way they socialize.

He is currently OBSESSED with geology, and LOVES to do anything with rocks: collect rocks, look at rocks, touch rocks, talk about rocks. He does not always go into long monologues; however, he usually does bring up rocks in a variety of instances very frequently (I don't think I ever see him and not hear the word "rock" or "crystal" at least once!)

I don't really know how he is with empathy, but I would guess it somewhat lacks. I can only guess because I am very poor at peering into the minds of others and I can only go by what I see. That is: he often says things that he doesn't realize will sometimes hurt or anger those he speaks to. On the other hand, he is SOOOOOOOOOO caring and he loves just about everyone so he certainly does not want to hurt people (he also does not sugar coat things, and--no matter how much he loves someone--is not afraid to speak his mind when he really wants to--his thinking is very black and white and it is his way or no way much of the time). I know he has a few sensory issues (ie. light, for one), but he is very cuddly and hugs and kisses all of his family members a lot.

He is usually EXTREMELY well-behaved, but I know he has gone into meltdowns occasionally with his father (who is VERY VERY close with) when he wasn't allowed to play video games (or had to stop playing video games). That is another obsession of his. Still, he also has that black and white thinking, so even though he is not intentionally bad, he is not afraid to challenge a rule he does not agree with (though he does not out-right disobey or anything).

Anyway, there is a more modern 8 year old profile.

Thanx....this makes alot of sense to me.
But what I don't understand......mostly I read that asd people struggle with friends, ect, but my son abselutely hates it to be alone...he will often try and make new friends when he is at a restaurant or there is always friends knocking at the door coming in and out...even cueing to play with my son. BUT....this said.....he likes to navigate the games, he will sometimes unwillingly 'give in' to what the other kids want to play....he might sometimes get frustrated with some kids. He likes more sedentary play, like computer games, sometimes playstation and building crafty lego spaceships...he gets very irritated with loud, bully tipe of kids who sits to close to him or pushes or bumps him to much. He also tend to get TO ATTACHED to new friends, declaring his love to them (sometimes a bit inappropriate)...and then is devestated if this friends is 'rude' to him...It's almost like an all or nothing type of relationship....I don't know if this is age appropriate, but he doesn't have much social judgement....trusting people to easily ect.

Everyone on the spectrum differs in their relationships. What I mean is, some people on the spectrum love being alone. Others crave friendships but simply do not know how to properly maintain them (or begin them). Some do not want friends but still want, say, their parents around. These (and other scenarios, I'm sure), are all possible with people on the spectrum.

You said your son does not like to be alone, but can only handle 1-2 friends. This shows that he does want to be around people, but he has his limits, and sometimes might need to be (even if just mentally) alone. Some kids, whether on the spectrum or not, feel vunerable if they are completely alone. Not all people on the spectrum want to be alone all of the time, and just like other kids, your son might feel unsafe or vunerable when there is no one there for him--it could be a security kind of thing.

Also, while I never said I loved people very much, I grew VERY attached to my friends as well. I kind of get obsessed. I really only want 1 friend at a time (when I have friends), and I get very super attached to whoever that is. They are also kind of like a security blanket...they are familiar, and part of a daily "routine" as well. For me, it was difficult to accept the change that would happen when that friend was no longer part of my life. (I did genuinely like the person too, btw). I think if you posed this on the general board, many of us on the spectrum would acknowledge that we have some sort of "abnormal" attachment to certain people.

Your son might have to be taught what is proper and what is not. His actions are not abnormal from our perspective, just from the wider NT world's perspective. This is what will come natural to him for the rest of his life, but it does not mean he cannot be taught to realize that declaring your love for a friend as he does is seen as a bit odd and inappropriate. Then he can sort of internally remind himself not to do it in the future (but it might take time for this to work...and for some people, it does not always work). Whether or not it works, the important thing to remember is: he will NOT pick up on it on his own because people on the spectrum do not naturally learn social cues like NT children--these rules MUST be specifically taught.

I have 2 11yo sons, both dxed Aspergers.

My son E:
-wants friends very much
-invests a lot of time and energy into figuring out peer social interactions, as a matter of fact I would say that this is one of his special interests at this time
-has several friends, seems well-liked despite deficits, relates to his friends through common interests
-wants his friends to come over and to go over to their houses
-does best one on one or in small groups doing something quiet and structured (like a video game), but can tolerate unstructured play with 1 or 2 friends that he trusts for a short time (example: water play outside)
-struggles with appropriate responsiveness (example: noticing someone has said "hi" and responding), understanding jokes and figures of speech, misses a lot of social cues
-tends to monologue (is monologuing about Pokemon as I write )
-struggles with gross motor coordination, learning any physical activity takes way longer than peers
-sensory issues with clothing, unexpected touch, loud sudden noises etc.
-poor executive functioning (zero organizational skills etc)
-exhibits high anxiety over social situations
-is terrified of appearing different and refuses most help at school

My son L:
-sort of wants friends
-usually can't be bothered or simply doesn't notice when another child is being friendly
-currently has zero friends He would be happy having just one, quiet friend who likes similar things, and doesn't want to spend too much time together outside of school. He had a friend like this, but he moved at the beginning of summer.
-prefers to spend recess alone
-does best one on one and structured for finite periods of time
-struggles with appropriate responsiveness (example: noticing someone has said "hi" and responding), understanding jokes and figures of speech, misses a lot of social cues
-exhibits very high anxiety over minor changes, and gets overwhelmed very easily
-struggles with gross motor coordination, learning any physical activity takes way longer than peers
-sensory issues with clothing, unexpected touch, loud sudden noises, food textures etc.
-poor executive functioning (zero organizational skills etc)
-is beginning to show academic motivation (yay!)
-is extremely quiet and withdrawn at school

So some things in common and some very different, but both Aspie.

My teenage HFA neighbor is a toe walker and will bounce on his toes when super excited. He is very friendly. Will approach friends and ask to come play xbox with him. He talks very dryly most of the time. But has very detailed facial expressions. So, everything combined makes him a bit odd. Watching him walk around school would be the toe walking and bouncing if he's super excited. Only major noticeables.

Alice, just out of curiousity, did L have a language delay at all?

My son is not diagnosed, in fact "they" have ruled it out, but annotatedalice has described my son to a t with her descripton of her son E. With the exception that my son has one friend, and when that friend started playing with other boys, and teachers told my son to play with some of the other kids he knows, my son said "why would I? P is my best friend."

Does "ok" in social situations until something unexpected happens, usually someone gets in his space and he starts feeling overwhelmed/threatened. Cannot handle anything or anyone in his space. If someone brushes up against him he gets very, very upset. One time he had a meltdown at school because one of his classmates put her shoes too close to his space.

The "is terrified of appearing different and refuses most help at school" probably resonates most with me.

He is also extremely rigid in his thought process, is extremely sensitive emotionally *with me, his mother*, somewhat emotionally sensitive to other family members, but very detached emotionally from others who are less familiar.

He becomes extremely attached to objects/items, and must keep them "for display".

He has limited executive functioning skills around transition/shift of thought; organization; flexibility. He has incredible difficulty with abstract thought, he is a very concrete thinker. Gets stuck with his thoughts and can't move beyond them for a period of time. Does much better 1:1 than in any kind of a group situation. Withdraws from all group activity at school.

My son will flap his hands when he is excited, in fact, what motivated us to do the assessment for ASD was the time we went to the beach and he spent an hour jumping up and down and flapping his hands while watching people play football in the water. He will do this if he is watching me sew my quilts, he did this watching my neighbor shovel gravel down a hill. He will jump up and down our sidewalk flailing his arms, making explosion noises.

We always thought he had great gross motor skills until we had an OT consultation and learned he could not really move his body in space if he couldn't see what it was doing (ie. put your hand up beside your head so you can't see it, make a fist, then open it finger by finger. My son can't do this unless he is looking at his hand, and even then has difficulty). Has really poor fine motor skills.

He has an incredible amount of sensory issues related to the feel of clothing on his body, socks can cause an absolute nightmare meltdown if they feel too tight. He can't handle me brushing his hair. He chews *everything*.

We've recently started working with a speech pathologist to address conversations skills. Basic language testing puts him at an above average level for vocabulary, sentence structure and grammar, but way below average when it comes to problem solving, story telling and social language.

Limited eye contact, but we were told this was more an "adhd phenomenology". Doesn't matter that even though he's not looking at you when you're speaking, he's still listening!

So, while the "experts" tell us he does not fit the criteria for an ASD, my husband and I refuse to believe them and work with our son utilizing any and all principles related to the spectrum. And guess what, they are the strategies that work best.

cutiecrystalmom

Nope, he was an early talker actually, with a large vocab from a young age. Fits the "little professor" description of Aspie speech patterns quite well.

My son is the last kid you would suspect of being on the spectrum. In fact, even as his mother, I sometimes feel as though I'm "making too big a deal" out of things. He's 11, he's always been an outgoing and friendly kid. He talks easily to strangers. He has no visible physical symptoms unless you look really closely or know what to look for (the bitten fingernails are a clue) and while his speech is odd after you've been around him for a while, most people just comment on "how intelligent and well-spoken" he is.

However, I always come back to these things: He sometimes CANNOT do things (though for every time he can't do something, there will be a time when he does it just fine.) For instance, games of chance: he will hide under a table if there is any possibility of winning or losing. He will mimic people who he thinks are "cool," his version of scripting. He misses other people's emotions entirely unless they are at the exploding point. He has difficulty with groups of people - though he can manage on a good day. He can be clumsy and often injures himself by running into things. He struggles with the idea that there's another point of view. He monologues and doesn't hear or listen to the other side of the conversation. He hates rigid routines, but freaks out at any change in schedule (and when I say freaks out, I mean screams and cries.) As I'm writing this, I'm kicking myself for the first two sentences up there. Of course, it seems like we "make too much of it" but his ability to hold it together, while very real and an extraordinary asset, has the fragility of a house of cards - so as big as his accomplishments are, we spend a lot of time picking up the pieces.

Two questions I started asking myself, and I think they are the two most pertinent to this discussion: Is my child disabled or disadvantaged in some way? Will applying the strategies used for kids on the spectrum alleviate the disability and help him or her learn to cope with/overcome it? (Sorry, guys - I hate this language but am too clumsy to find more exact words.)

The label only matters if it gives you something to DO. Where your child fits/doesn't fit is important in regards to how you plan to help him or her.

My son was very much drawn to people and children when he was younger. And he was always full of wonderful ideas that other kids were happy to play into. Still, there were conflicts, and as much as he wanted to be around big groups of kids, we learned to limit things. Over time it seems that the frustrations and conflicts got to him, and he started to prefer to avoid most kids. That was hard to watch, to be honest, because I knew it wasn't at all natural for him: he is drawn to people. He expressed his pain about it, too. But, yeah, he can be too much, too insistent, too into his own way and his own ideas, and as kids get older they are more aware that none of that is "normal" and that they don't have to put up with it. As they age, you see a lot more fall out from our kids simply not having the social interaction wiring, the ability to speak the right language. But it doesn't always mean that they wouldn't have wanted to. I think that is the hardest thing, to have a child that would really, really have loved being a highly social being ... but completely lacks the talent for it. Seeing my son discover that and deal with it (even though as a naturally upbeat person he's done pretty well, considering) has caused me many nights of tears. And there is so #&*!(*$!* little I can do about it ... I can't change it for him, I can only mostly be there for him.

DW this is so sad.....I must say, I'm starting to see that some kids also starts not to want to interact and yes, when there is more kids around the conflict is very close....we also started limiting the numbers. When there is big groups...he will also start of with them, but then starts playing with 1-2 or if he doesn't know anyone he would ask to go home.
I also see that he sometimes struggle with organizing his motor skills to put on a jacket...will get stuck, get irritated trying to put his arm in the head area...ect.
He does VERY well at school, but experience it as stressfull...putting very high pressure on himself...wanting to get 100% for everything. He does struggle with his creative writing...but I hope taking him to speech therapy will help with this...
Could any one shed some light on what happened last night: My hubby baught a very smart new mountainbike for himself and called my son to share in the excitement....but instaid of being happy for his dad he got all upset, started crying, said it's unfair, he also wants such a bike, can't see reason that the bike is not appropriate for little boys.....he started becoming verbally abusive saying he wants to brake the bike, hates the bike, his dad and me......His dad just ignored all of it while I tried to 'downplay' all of this, reflecting excet. This helped...then he got tearfull regretting how he reacted, ect. He then went to bed, without having a chance to talk to his dad....
My thought was that maybe he was dissipointed and didn't have other words to describe it?

Maybe jelaously? Or sensory overload? When I was a little kid bright shiny bikes were THE thing.

Or ...

Can your son ride a bike? As in, no training wheels? Mine couldn't until he was nine or ten, and he diverted that frustration and fear in some interesting ways.

Or ... Your son thought there was going to be a surprise for him when he got called? So seeing it was something he couldn't have, ride, or take apart was a huge let down. Little ones don't really get the concept of being happy for someone else.

Or ... Is there anything he's been asking for, that he's been told he has to wait for? Might not have seemed fair to him that Daddy doesn't have to wait.

Yes...he can ride a bike quite well, and even have a nice one....I agree I think it was jelousy....and didn't know what to do with the emotions!

Yes, we have this issue with my son as well. Just the other day he confided in me that he hates birthday parties because the birthday child gets to open up presents and he gets nothing. I think it's not only not knowing what to do with an emotion, it's also picking one emotion out of the mixed feelings and overfocusing on it, which feeds it and makes it more intense. I'd imagine all kids are jealous at birthdays to some extent, but they choose to focus on the party and ignore the jealousy, or at least minimize it: "Aw, man, I wanted one of those!"