Bullying: do I (the parent) tell?

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DS was bullied last year by a kid who used to be one of his closest friends; this kid repeatedly stole his lunchbox, cursed at him in the hallway, gave him the finger, called him names and generally was an incredible jerk. While it's true that my son more than likely hurt this boy's feelings without realizing it at some point, the level of retaliation went way beyond the original issue.

Last year, we conferred with the school principals, and the matter was somehow magically handled.

There is another boy in my son's class that I worry about. He is very, very like my son - except he is African American, has a working Mom who isn't at the school very often, and he's about a foot taller than every other kid. I don't know if he's on the spectrum - like my son, if he is, he's very good at hiding it - but every day after school I'd see kids taking his stuff and playing keep-away with it, and this kid laughing good-naturedly (I usually stepped in and got his stuff back.) He always acted as though it didn't bother him, but I think it did.

This kid has been accused of bullying multiple times; he threw a rock at somebody last year, once DS told me he'd brought a knife to school (I wasn't sure if it was true or not, so I reported him.) and he seems to be struggling socially. I think he's reacting to the way other kids are treating him, and I've expressed this concern to the school several times - but I'm not his mother.

Today, DS came home and told me that the kid who had bullied him last year had shoved him today. I questioned him carefully (to DS, bumping into someone accidentally can be translated to "shoving") He said that when he'd told the bully that the other kid did "didn't mean anything," and the bully shoved him in front of a group of kids. On further questioning, he said the bully and another boy had been chasing this kid with a slap-bracelet, slapping him with it and hurting him - and he had somehow responded physically; DS was I think trying to stand up for the other kid.

I think DS is better equipped to manage the bully - he wasn't really that upset about the shoving; he sees that it's a weakness in the other boy and not him, and I think he's learning to handle it. It's the third day of school - he went to the office on the first day because nobody would play with him at recess, but the next two days seemed OK.

Here's my conundrum: I agree with what's said in this video:http://www.wrongplanet.net/article410.html I am afraid I am putting my son more at risk by telling the school what is going on rather than teaching my son better strategies to deal with the bully - but this isn't about just my son. I feel like I should contact the school.

PS. DS is handling it very, very well - he's clearly learned a lot from last year and is not internalizing the bullying. I don't know how long this will last, and obviously if the bullying continues something needs to be done - but I'm really proud of him for having the self-confidence to see this is the other boy's problem and not something about him.

What do you think?

I'm a little confused on who did what in what order ...

Overall, I think you can interfere in elementary school (K-5) for a boy but not after that. With girls you have to back off earlier. The closer you get to the end of that time, the more you let your child try it out on his own first, always talking and breaking it down later.

The best defence against bullying from boys seems to be having adult eyes on the playground. We put a big dent in ours by adding a paid lunch coordinator and parent volunteers to keep most of the kids in organized play, allowing the teachers to have better watch on the other kids. Part of what our PTA fundraising bought us . And, of course, a truly inclusive school culture makes a difference.

If you are a known presence on campus and you see kids harassing anyone, you can say something to the kids that will have an impact. Even, "I saw that and it is NOT. OK" is likely to have an impact. Oh, they always have a story, but I used to just tell them to take responsibiity for the effect of their actions, intended or not, and agree to try not to do it again. I figure they get off easy learning it from me.

I think it depends on the relationship you have with the school. At the schools my DS has attended, I would be able to share how DS had improved in the interraction, but also advise them about DS observing the other boy being bullied . The way you describe what's happening, there probably isn't anyone else complaining on his behalf. I would specifically ask that DS be left out of it for now, as you don't want him to take any steps backward.

I think you should do what you consider right and let the school take the decision on whzt they are going to do about it. We had the same problem this school year. Our daughter usually came from school saying someone hit boy X. After several days listening to the same info and nobody doing anything about it, then some day she came with the news the guy who hit boy X hit her too just because she was standing nearby. We went to school next day and explain the whole situation and the previous incidents with boy X (being hit by other kids). The following week the principal called us to thank us. Turned out they did not know boy X was being abussed by his school mates, and the boy who hit him was having problems at home and was referred for professional help. And just a couple of days ago my daughter told me apparently boy X is autistic. So maybe, just maybe you will be helping someone by telling. I think its good to try.

Thank you all for your replies; it's very helpful to have a sounding-board. The fact that race is a factor makes this whole thing so much more complicated - I worry that we are getting better treatment than this other boy because we are more advantaged (not that I want worse treatment, I just want equity for this boy, too.)

In case it matters, here's the chronology:

Bully holds AA kid so another kid can hit him with a slap bracelet. AA kid shoves bully, knocks him down. Bully then comes over to DS and DS says something to the effect of "it didn't mean anything," meaning the AA kid wasn't trying to knock anyone down but to get away from the bullying. Bully then shoves DS purposely, telling him it "doesn't mean anything."

I think every school in this country has a "zero tolerance" policy against bullying. If you know that your DS has witnessed these episodes at school then you should most definately report it to the school. Tell the staff who you believe "AA" to be and what was related to you via your DS.
I am a working mom and can't keep track of everything. I would certainly appreciate someone realizing there was a problem and pointing it out to me. Put yourself in her (the mom's) place. It doesn't matter what color anyone is. What would you want another parent to do in this situation?

I think you should take the mother aside and tell her what you've seen kids doing to her son, and let her know that you're willing to support her in taking action to stop this from occurring, because you've seen from your son how hurtful bullying can be. But leave it primarily up to her how she wants to handle this, partly because it's her son and she'll resent you trying to tell her how to parent, and partly because she knows more about how race affects this than you do because she's lived as an African-American woman (I'm assuming) all her life.

If it were myson being bullied, I would want you to tell someone. If the mom isn't hearing it from an ore parent, perhaps hearing from the school may be more effective. If not, at least the school is on notice that someone is noticing.

Well, I followed the advice here (especially the part about mentioning how much better my son handled it; thank you.) and got a response from the Vice-Principal that he will be on the playground during lunch and will be asking the supervisors to take special care with this particular dynamic. I hope it works.