Dealing with family illness

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My sister just recently dx with cancer late stage prognosis not good, she is a single mum with teenagers. I am really her only support as in family and have been preoccupied at times supporting her through treatment etc.

My son seems to be resentful not sure if that's the right word but he feels now that I care more about her than him. Of course I do make sure all his needs are meet, I have had to deal with this in other situations. This is a very difficult time for me and I am finding the pressure from him and sometimes his remarks hurtful, I know he doesn't mean to be but I am sensitive at the moment. How can I explain my sister illness to him and hope that he understands he also has his Dad support and sister if I am not available.

I like SC's approach.

I see it as a talk, talk, talk and try again situation. He clearly needs reassurance; make sure he gets that. Perhaps do most of the talking during special one on one time with him. Remind him of the times he has been especially in need, how everyone turned their attention to him. If you can think of similar examples with other family members, remind him of those, too. Make sure he gets time to express his fears and needs.

He is going to have to integrate this first intellectually, and then emotionally. The later is the big challenge.

Good luck, and so sorry to hear about your sister's illness.

Thanks for the replies, as we still have issues with my son in school but we are getting there. Life goes on and other issues appear. I have sat him down and spoke to him, he does seem to understand my sister illness but seems to have difficulties in understanding why I am supporting her.

In his mind because I am not there for him I care more about my sister than him and no matter how much I explain he seems not to get it. Even a extended phone call seems to upset him, I do most of my visiting whilst my children are at school and also hospital appointments. But he seems to still get upset even when it doesn't interfere with his schedule.

Im so sorry about your sister. We recently lost my uncle to pancreatic cancer.
I have a disease that causes severe chronic pain and deformities to my spine and pelvis and it has been really hard on my kids as I continue to decline and am in bed most of the time and I also have to go to the hospital sometimes. We use lots of social stories. It has been really hard on my kids as they tend to be selfish because they are children and they also both have autism. Its understanding that when things drastically change and you can not do the things you once could do or in your situation you are now focusing on your sister and are probably worried so you are distracted. Basically other than explaining and social stories, time helps kids to understand. My kids have learned to be gentle with me, they have Daddy to play rough with. I do things with them from my bed...board games, movies on my lap top and video games. We can still have fun. My daughter is classic autism and she is very interested in bones ever since she broke her arm a bit over a year ago. She LOVES looking at my X rays and that is a great way for me to show her things that are not right about my back and to explain how the doctors are trying to fix me. She also likes to watch me do my injection of my Anti TNF every other week.....my 9 year old son who has Aspergers avoids all these things and finds them gross .
I also have to explain to my kids that Mommy will not be the same as she was before but I may get better. What ifs and maybes are hard for them...I think they are for everyone. It may be helpful if you dont already for him to visit his aunt sometimes seeing someone in bed and seeing that they are not feeling well helps them understand and can kick in the sympathy. My autie will rub my legs for a few seconds when I say that they are really hurting so she is making an effort which I find very sweet.
Its a bit different for you as you are well and it is your sister that is ill so your son just views this as something that is taking you away from him. He may understand but right now his issues and what he needs from you are far more important. I dont recommend that you take your son to see your sister if she is in the hospital or at home when she is feeling bad unless you are sure that this might help him understand how ill she is and why she needs you too.
I think a lot of people would not let their kids view sick people in the hospital or show them X rays and let them watch you inject yourself with your medication but Its how my daughter understands. She has to "experience" or "view" things where as my son you can talk and reason with and they both respond well, again, to social stories so you may want to try and start there.

I am so sorry! Here's the thing, spending time with your sister while you can IS more important than your son's issues. If the attention drives him crazy, you need to make some rules that work for everyone. Maybe, when I'm talking on the phone with auntie, you play x-box. Whatever is a good compromise. ( maybe a good time to invest in something he really wants) Then just shut the door and do what you need to do. Trust that your son at 14, will be ok. I think at 14, he can be told that there's a good chance she'll die, and you are helping her fight for her very life. I think it's also ok to ask him for his help, that he can help his aunt by giving you the time you need. After the discussion, just do what you need to do, he'll be ok.

We work so hard to make our kids lives the best we can, it's ok sometimes to straight up tell them that sometimes other stuff is more important.

Thanks again, I explained that she will lose her hair because of the treatment, he suggested that if she keeps her hands tight on top of her head that her hair can't fall out .

He has seen her but doesn't want to if she has no hair he know's his own limitations. I will keep explaining and I am sure it will work out. Thanks!