Is this a meltdown?

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My 12-year-old used to have frequent tantrums (a few times a day) that didn't last long. It's much less often now. I didn't think of them as meltdowns. Now I'm wondering if what I think are tantrums are actually meltdowns. What happens is that she gets hyper-stimulated, usually from spending time with her teenage sibs and their friends. She gets loud, doesn't respect their space, plays pranks etc. But she does laugh and says she's happy and excited. Then, when anyone says anything to her (typically a sib saying she's annoying, or me telling her to give them their privacy) she becomes verbally aggressive. She swears at me and calls me names. She doesn't do that with her siblings any more, just her parents, although her siblings can get really nasty with her. Occasionally she will push or bump against us, although she's reduced her physical aggression in the last couple of years. Getting her to go to bed or getting her up and ready for school in the morning is always a problem; if I am impatient she will skip the hyper phase and go right into the verbal aggression phase. These tantrums happen every day or two, more often when we are travelling but less often on school breaks.
What do you think, tantrum (and requiring discipline) or meltdown (and requiring coping techniques)?
J.

I am confused as to why it is important how you will call it. I mean whether or not it is called a ''meltdown'' doesn't have any consequences, since there is no identifiable ''meltdown virus'' or something like that. You know what her behavior is anyway, so wouldn't it be more logical to ask what to do about it, as opposed to how to call it? I guess perhaps I am missing something, thats why I am asking.

Roman, I think Postcards answers you at the end of his/her original post, and it depends on why she is doing it. You are going to have to drill down to how and what she is thinking. Twelve year olds don't really tantrum much in my opinion. They do get pretty moody.

Yes, this is why I want to know.

A lot of people tell me I shouldn't accept this kind of behaviour, but it doesn't seem like the kind of behaviour I can "extinguish" by ignoring or giving consequences.
J.

I would call it "pre meltdown" behavior. If the overstimulation persists, does it escalate further (into hysteria)?

What you are describing is how my daughter would act if she were unable to escape a situation that was causing distress-it is a series of escalations-from irritability, to volatility, to physical violence, and then if proper calming or removal doesn't take place-a type of hysteria ensues where she becomes incoherent, mumbling, pacing, hitting, kicking, screaming, crying, and self harming. At that point there is nothing that can be done but riding out the "storm".

Thanks Mama to Grace. It makes sense that it is a pre-meltdown. I am trying to get her to become aware of what's happening to her, but it is hard. She usually gets mad at me for making any comments about the behaviour. I'll keep trying, though.
J.

I concur with Mama...I think it's an indication that your daughter is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do next.

Thanks, momsparky. She's not the only one who doesn't know what to do next.

I don't know - seems somewhat more of a tantrum than a meltdown to me. When my son has a meltdown he completely loses it, starts rocking, making odd noises, looking extremely distressed although that could lead to rare aggressive behaviour etc. Your daughter seems some ways off that. Can you be just be firm and non-emotional with her, and try and workaround the triggers eg gentle alarm and letting her snooze for a while before getting up etc?

LOL. See if isolation helps: can you safely get her to her room, or if in public get her headphones and a baseball cap so she can block out everything for a bit? Then try communicating via written words, text, email, however...

Thanks, everyone. I'll keep trying...
J.