Should he give a presentation about AS or shouldn't he?

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My son is 11 and in the 5th grade. For the most part, he is doing very well. He is having problems with perspective. He knows the rules about other's point of view. If we were to give him a test, he could figure out from reading the situation what was going on and get an A. It is when actual people get involved that problems occur. For example, I guess a boy has been going around saying some line from a movie. My son thought he was being a bully and has gotten annoyed when he has said it to him, as well as to others. He doesn't make any kind of scene when this happens, it just seems to add to his perception that people are doing things to him.

The other day, he had another small problem. He was working on math as a group and a girl he has become friends with got a problem wrong in the group. He thought the other boys were telling her she was wrong in a mean way,, so he told them to stop being "brats". They ran to tattle to the teacher and he got into trouble for calling names. On one hand, I think it is nice he defends his friends. However, I am not sure they were being mean because 1. when I asked my son, he said the girl wasn't bothered and I can tell he was confused by this and 2. My son hates to be told he is wrong even when he knows he is wrong, so these boys might have just pushed a button of his by telling his friend this.

My son goes to speech twice a week to work on pragmatics. One of his goals this year is on understanding others perspectives. His speech teacher sent me an email yesterday. This is what it said:

(My son) is working so hard for us in speech class! I wanted to share with you something we worked on today. He helped create an action plan for responding appropriately to peers in his class. Today, he told me he often misinterprets the other kids in his class which can lead to him being upset. This is definitely a work in progress, but take a moment to look over the attached “plan”. He and I discussed it in great detail and the classroom teachers are helping to implement the plan as well. We want to decrease the possibility of peer conflict whenever we can!

Also, I spoke with (my son) about whether he would like to make a presentation to his class about Asperger’s and how it affects his daily thoughts and choices. This may help the class to understand how they could help him. This is an appropriate age for students to make a presentation like this if they are comfortable. He said he would like to do it! I really want to make sure you are okay with us moving forward with this. I spoke with Mrs. XXX and she said she could help us think of a good time to present. If you have any concerns or do not want him talking to the class, please let me know. My plan is to help (my son) create a power point discussing the definition of Asperger’s, how it affects him, and how the class can help him. Of course we would send it to you for review before presenting.

Please let me know if this is something you are comfortable with. We will follow your lead!

We are currently weighing the pros and cons of this and I am asking for your input. One one hand, my son is very outgoing and doesn't mind taling in front of people. He doesn't bring it up often, but he seems to have no problem telling others he has AS when he wants to. However, I also know this could change as he gets a little older and he might regret this presentation later on. My husband thinks any presentation my son were to give wouldn't make a bit of difference to any of the kids that want to pick on him anyway. This is probably true. Last year, he had a couple of annoying boys in his class that I know purposely picked on him as his twin verified it to us, Plus, other moms said those boys were known to pick on other kids as well. Thankfully, those boys aren't in his homeroom this year.

However, my son does have a group of boys that are actually very nice in his class this year. While not close friends, they are friendly with his NT twin. These boys came to their combined birthday party last year because they were in the NT twin's homeroom. My AS son is with them in homeroom this year. They were at the same table grouping until a couple of weeks ago when my son asked to move. My son broke his arm the end of Sept. and it was his writing hand of course. He is being stubborn and refusing the let others write for him very often, so he is slowly writing with his right arm. Whenever they do social studies assignments as a group, these boys were getting tired of waiting for my son, but he is also being stubborn about them moving ahead of him. They wanted to scribe for him, but he was insisting on doing it himself. My son got annoyed and asked to move. So, while I don't see them purposely making fun or being cruel to my son, I do see how they don't know what to make of him, especially when he gets stubborn or annoyed. If he were to give this presentation, these boys are smart and nice enough, they might understand why he does this stuff and be more patient with him.

Any input on the pro and con list for giving this presentation?

We have not done this but my son's psychologist is very much for it. As she explained, the other kids know there is something "off" about him, but since they don't have a word for it they just think he's weird. But if you help them understand, they can help support and defend him. They will become his allies and advocates, according to her. Instead of stigmatizing your child, it should de-stigmatize him. I think if he wants to do it there is no downside. If he didn't want to, that would be another story.

Why haven't we done it yet? Not sure. I get her point but having trouble wrapping my head around it, I guess. I'm still having trouble talking to him about it.

Good luck,

I have no problem with him doing it. It is my husband who is a pessimist and thinks why open yourself up to that. He can always see the can as half empty, while I see it half full.

I can see both your side and your husband's. The truth is, it will make a difference with some kids, because some kids understand that you shouldn't pick on people who are disabled (not that you should pick on others, but ykwim), and knowing he has a disability will encourage sensitivity. However, there are other kids out there who don't care. The truth is, I think those kids will pick on him one way or the other. The one main benefit I see of having him do it is that the kids in the first group will be more likely to stick up for him if they realize he has a disability. If they don't know, I think it is easier for them to turn a blind eye.

Personally, I have a very difficult time putting my finger on a particular feeling regarding disclosure when my kids are young. I have no way of knowing if they will want it disclosed when they are older, so I feel the safest thing to do (for us) is to only disclose to people we are close to or people who have to know. But it may be because my daughter (ASD) flies under the radar the vast majority of the time, and my son (ADHD/NVLD) is quirky enough that I think most adults figure it out on their own anyway.

I do know someone who's kid did this...with rave success.

I am not a parent, but I am an adult with autism...so obviously a former child with autism. I thought I would share my perspective with you. Now that I am an adult in university in an accepting environment, I don't mind sharing the fact that I have autism. Had I been asked to give a big presentation as child, that would likely have isolated me as "different" even moreso than I already was, I would have said "no way!" I had enough problems without sticking a label on me for them to make fun of me even more. Some children do feel as though something like this is beneficial. The best thing to do would be to ask your child. He would know best, and his wishes should be respected. If he doesn't want to stand up in front of the class declaring precisely how his is different from everyone, he shouldn't be forced to do so. If he thinks this would be helpful in them understanding some of his quirks, then he might decide it is a good idea. Either way, he should have the final say.

Edit: keep in mind, that his age group is not the most accepting of all age groups. I had a lot of trouble in grades 5 and 6--some of my worst years, because kids are "at that age".

I'd be concerned about the bullies teasing him about his condition. They would just have a new reason to pick on him now.

My thinking on this is this can usually only be done when the kid is younger. And even then I think best case scenario is he may keep a small group of close friends who are nice about it simply for knowing him so long.

I think the question to be asked is whether he would be willing to give a presentation to the whole school and everyone connected to it. If his class knows then it's a guarantee the rest of the schools students/teachers/parents will learn of it, and probably by rumor without someone to guide their knowledge on autism and jump straight to the stereotyped view of autism, which usually follows downs syndrome or something similar.

I had this done for me and it forced me out of school and caused so much educational/social/family/confidence/emotional/mental damage that I really don't think anyone who hasn't gone through it can understand it fully. I always want to scream NO when this question is asked, but I understand that everyone's situation is different and it may be beneficial to some so really careful consideration should be given. Does an 11 year old understand all the implications of telling the school? Does he understand that their attitude towards him may change? Does he understand that his opinions may often be dismissed because of autism? Does he understand that as his peer group ages they may exclude him from events with good intentions, such as going to the cinema because they may assume crowd and loud noises will upset him? Does he understand that those who were always going to be nasty towards him will be armed with a Weapon of Mass Social Destruction that in any new environment (college etc) they can use to turn the whole class against him before he has a chance to befriend a single one of them? Does he understand that he shouldn't expect people to be understanding of mental conditions?

Just my thoughts on it anyway. Maybe my own experience of it has skewed my view, but just last week I was sat in university when the lecturer used the word "retardation" (its a common word in physics, it was meant in the sense of deceleration) and the whole lecture hall including the lecturer started laughing about ret*d people. I had a quiet little laugh my self since the IQ gap between myself and them is twice that of the gap between them and medically "ret*d":nerdy:. People are funny to watch sometimes.

When my son was in 4th grade and we finally had a definitive diagnosis, I decided to leave it up to him whether or not he would disclose to his classmates. I explained to him that some kids might tease him worse than they did now, but that the kids that might be helpful might now know how to help him. I also said that kids who tease somebody with a known disability are saying a lot about themselves and absolutely nothing about the person they are teasing (and I also specified that I meant they were being mean.)

He decided to disclose to his homeroom class. He couldn't do it himself, so he had his teacher read "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome" to the class, and she paused on every page and looked at him and he would nod or shake his head for the symptoms that fit him or didn't. (This book has the benefit of presenting the symptoms and comparing them to cats, who really do act that way; it provides a humorous and helpful way of framing behaviors that seem odd. It was also how we explained the diagnosis to my son. I swear, I peddle this book so much I should charge the author for advertisement!)

We were very lucky in that the whole class immediately got on board and the teasing and bullying pretty much stopped from that point on. I do think kids prefer to be helpful, but they need the right tools. I could see where there was a good bit of luck involved, so this might not work well for everyone, but it did work well for us.

Now that DS is in Middle School, we have started having him explain himself without using the words, for example "I'm the kind of kid who has a really hard time with names. Can you write down your name for me?" etc. It took a fair amount of pragmatic speech therapy and self-reflection for him to get to this point, though.

While my son doesn't bring it up all the time to everyone he meets. He has no problem disclosing that he has Aspergers. At Meet the Teacher night, he walked up to his new homeroom teacher and asked her if she had any experience with Aspergers because he had it. On occasion he has asked another kid he has met in a waiting room or someplace random if they had AS. I think a few kids actually know at school, but they are his friends and most of them have ADHD, so they know all about these labels.

We talked about it before I called his speech therapist. He said if the same kids think he is a freak either way, then he doesn't haven't anything to lose. I asked him if he had thought about the fact that he might regret telling in a few years. He said that was a risk he was willing to take. While he does have a couple of kids that truly do pick on him on occasion, most of his issues are the kids who don't understand why he misunderstands things and says the wrong thing. He is hoping this will clear this up.

I called his ST and we talked. She is very much the idealist and is hoping for some after school special moment from his presentation. I told her that would be nice, but I thought she was expecting a lot from a group of 5th graders. My son is making the slides on PowerPoint on his own right now with only a bit of her guidance she said. I can only imagine what he will put on them. He doesn't like people to mess with his creations. I will get to review it and make any adjustments I deem necessary and he is going to give it, hopefully, sometime in November.

My son said he had to ask his twin the other day about why something wasn't bullying. His twin was talking to one of his friends and the friend said something funny about himself. Kind of like putting himself down, but in a funny way. My NT twin son sent him a zinger back that was a line from a Calvin and Hobbes book that basically agreed with the boy's put down. The friend told him back "You sir, are the streakmark on the underpants of society." in a British accent. My AS twin son didn't understand why these insults weren't considered bullying until his twin explained to him about this type of joking and it was okay because they were friends and they both knew they didn't mean what was being said. I would have thought my son would have understood this one because he loves to mimic accents and say funny things in accent, so I would have thought he would have picked up on that one, but he didn't.

The school has been talking about bullying a lot the last couple of years. They have bullying posters, bullying skits, etc. My son knows a handful of kids don't like him and do pick on him, but at the same time all the kids are getting older and telling jokes. There is that fine line between a joke being funny and being true bullying. Obviously you can even say the same thing to two different people and it mean entirely different things depending upon your relationship with them. He is getting this wrong at times and had even defended a friend of his who he thought was being put down when she said she didn't take offense to what was said, which confused him.

So the goal is that he can explain why he isn't always understanding these jokes and the kids will be more willing to explain them to him and they will understand his point of view.

I doubt it can make anything worse. Plus, our school district is constantly growing. We have been the fastest growing school district in the nation for the last decade. Over half the kids he will see in high school won't even be from his elementary school, so it isn't like this is a very small town and he will only see the same kids for the next 7 years.

Good luck to your son!

My daughter is much like your son and does not understand the difference between joking/teasing among friends and bullying. If it helps you at all, her older brother used to share the same issue, but he is getting much better with it, and is even trying to teach his little sister how to tell the difference, so it is great that his twin is helping him understand.

I'm too tired to look up the citations now, but I've read a bunch of research saying that people tend to have a better opinion of autism spectrum kids if they know the kid's diagnosis. The behavior is evident regardless or any label, and they assume reasons that are less flattering than a disability. Things like rudeness, laziness, poor parenting, etc.