Why do I feel so guilty?

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My almost 4 yo ASD son has a habit of kissing his sister. The problem is she is almost 2 and doesn't want him to. Unfortunately he is not gently so he will hold her head and try to kiss her and she will try to fight him off. His hugs can get a little dangerous too. She is short and he is tall and his hugs are usually one hand around her head and the other arm around her neck. He knows he is not supposed to hug her without our supervision but he will still sneak and try to do it. We are usually alerted but her screaming and put a stop to it quickly. Usually they play very well though.

The other night, my son tried to sneak a kiss which ended with his baby sister on the ground crying. I was very upset that he had hurt her (even though I knew he had the best intentions) and so put him in time out. My son laughs a lot, so even though he was in timeout, he was still laughing, trying to get out. I was verbally telling him over and over that he should not kiss his sister unless she said he could. We have been working on him asking her if he can kiss her. Unfortunately she almost always says no. I then tell him to ask me and I always say yes. Anyway, he would not sit in time out so I had to cradle him (he was still trying to get away) and tell him that he was not supposed to hug or kiss his sister unless she said yes. Eventually it sunk in and the corners of his mouth started to pull down like he was about to cry. That nearly broke my heart. I felt like such a bully. I doubted myself and wanted to hug him and tell him everything is okay. I kept going pressing him about not hurting his sister until he basically started crying. He then said he wanted to go tell his sister sorry. At this point, I allowed him to go over and apologize to his sister. He was about to kiss her but looked at me and stopped himself.

I then hugged him and told him I was sorry. I feel like I am scarring him for life. I can't allow any of my children to hurt each other, but anytime I have to correct my baby boy, I feel like a witch. I don't want his sister to grow in fear of him either, so I need to make sure that he doesn't harm her. I was thinking about using the social story for him but he will try and kiss anyone who is female and his size or smaller. I am terrified of him getting in trouble when he starts elementary school.

I feel you. I have the same issue where it is all fun and games and then when the fact that correction is occurring is understood, it results in tears. It really feels like crap because I feel like I am "making them cry."

The reality is, you are doing what needs to be done, and it is for his own good in the long run. In 1st grade, my son knocked a girl down, held her down, and forcibly kissed her. The poor girl was mortified and for days I was afraid her family would press sexual harassment charges against my son (because people do that, you know....regardless of how ridiculous it is http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/AsSeenOnGMA/s ... MPSM2cnhMI ). Luckily, nothing came of it, but something could have.

When I feel bad about stuff like this, I remind myself that I would feel worse if I didn't and they had a negative experience "out in the real world."

It's tough love, sometimes you have to do it.

You are actually doing your son good. He needs to learn these lessons now, before serious trouble happens.

Imagine if he goes to grade school and does this on a girl who does karate class, and she kicks his ass? Or he gets in a lot of trouble.

It's hard to punish children, but if you don't punish them, it will make the problem 10 times worse.

I was kissing people until the age of 12 or 13 and then my friend with Down's Syndrome taught me a lesson. She kissed me and it was so disgusting and uncomfortable I never did it again.

No one could get me to learn over the years to not do it. Punishments didn't work, my mother allowed it at home because i kiss my brothers and there be no punishment, kids getting mad at me didn't work either. But yet I see people kiss on TV when they were just friends or seeing each other and one time I saw my neighbor kiss my mother so I couldn't understand why it was so wrong for me to do it. Obviously there is some social cue about it and since I don't know it, I don't do it at all.

You had one significant advantage the OP's child doesn't.

You are a female.

I would not suggest the OP tolerate her son kissing random girls.

I think it sounds like you did the right thing. It is important that he comes to understand that his little sister is a human being with feelings and all, not a doll or a toy. We struggled with DS kissing everyone in his kindergarten class. I'm with InThisTogether. The teacher told me that one of the girl's father's was REALLY upset and I was terrified that he would confront me at some point. It took a few weeks, the school psychologist wrote a social story "We save our kisses for home", and we just stayed on him about it EVERY day. We finally got it pretty well under control.

I guess my point is that our kiddos need a lot of repetition and sometimes pretty strong reinforcement before they really learn a lesson. I think it is hard to be that mom who has to be so firm when we want to just cuddle them and give them hugs and kisses. For us, there are still many times when I can be the hugs and kisses mama I want to be but times when I just have to be firm and stand my ground.

What does being female have something to do with it? I kissed both boys and girls growing up.

BTW I didn't suggest she let her son kiss random girls.

Rather it's right or wrong, society will most likely view a girl kissing people as cute whereas they are more likely to view a boy kissing girls as creepy.

I don't think you had a choice. He has to learn that other people have the right to refuse offers of affection. Boundaries are hard to teach.

Culturally, it has everything to do with it. It doesn't just seem "creepy" when boys do it, it is viewed as highly inappropriate. I don't know the numbers, but I would be willing to bet that the vast majority of 3-5 year olds accused of harassment in schools are boys. Females are just not typically seen as sexual aggressors. Males are. And some people cannot seem to understand that a 5 year old male is different than a 25 year old male.

MomofThree1975, I am so sorry. The unfortunate truth, in my experience, is that this is usually what happens when a correction is working. It doesn't make you feel any better as a parent, though. Hang in there, it sounds like what you're doing is working and you just have to get through this bit.

A word of caution - DON'T give in or try to make him feel better too much - while it is not a congruent situation, when DS was younger and hitting me, when he cried about it afterwards I would feel so bad about his crying that I would cuddle him and apologize for hurting his feelings, and try to help him not feel bad. Problem is, there's a certain amount of "feeling bad" that goes with correction and if you erase it, you may be erasing the correction, too.

I'm not saying that you should be cold and unresponsive, just be careful you don't lose the lesson you're trying to teach when you respond.

Sorry to continue the derailment of this thread but I have to agree that the consequences for a boy who kisses are different, more harsh, than for a girl who does the same. The hardest thing for us is that some of the girls encourage DS to kiss them. I have reprimanded the girls when I see it happen but I know that is the minority of the time.

Is this your oldest child?

I think it will hopefully get easier with time.

Hopefully you see your two kids playing better, b/c hopefully he is not doing things she really does not like.

Then you can think of it the next time.

It is definitely sad and hard when kids don't understand "why," so do anything you can to help with the understanding.

But at the same time, it needs to happen, you are the adult and know you are benefiting him, even though he does not understand that. It is a time it is good to have support from other adults, so that you do not count too much on feeling close to your kids. Of course you would still feel close, but they will not be really happy with you about it.

I also think, you do sound respectful. Being respectful counts for a lot, he may not know now this second, but before long, he will at least know that, whether he shows it to you or not.

I read some parenting books that talk about setting boundaries between my feelings and the feelings of my kids. To a certain extent, I do not have to feel the same emotions as my kids. They need to have their own emotions.

At the same time it is really good to have that close connection.

I think you could try some parenting books.... maybe the positive parenting ones.

I have liked "Scream-Free Parenting" recently, and then in the past I have liked ones like "How to talk so kids will listen." But if you look on the shelf it is easy to rule out the ones that seem like you would not like them.

My son was exactly the same way, and I have so many memories of reminding him that his sister was not his plaything to do with as he wanted ... sigh. Punishing a child for showing affection is tough, but it is real life. They MUST learn that boundary, and I spent much of my son's early years terrified that he would never learn it, while feeling guilty about trying to squash it. As of now, I think he has learned it, and he is still an affectionate child; he just keeps it saved for the few special people he knows enjoy being affectionate back. He isn't dating so who knows how that will go ... I guess I do still hold a little fear for that one!

Some lessons just are necessary. We do all we can to conform the world for our kids to their unique needs, but for some things you have to conform the child to the world. Better to be a little harsh now than to have your grown child in jail for never having learned boundaries.

Thanks so much for your support. He is really a sweet heart and I know he loves his sister but I am hoping that what we do now will help him later. So we have been going over this many many times a day. He will see me and then remember to ask her if she wants to kiss him. If she doesn't answer or says no, he will still sometimes try to kiss her. When I asked him if she said yes or no, he will happily say "She said yes!" So now I have to keep correcting him so he acknowledges that she did not say yes. He is the middle child. He has a 6 yo older NT brother is his baby sis is also NT. Overall they all play well.

We did have a case where friends were visiting. They have a 5 yo daughter who is short. My 3 yo was on the same height and kept referring to her as a baby. He kissed her a few times but after a while, I had to keep redirecting him. The little girl was getting annoyed and so was her father. Even though my son was younger, the fact that this boy her size kept kissing her was upsetting her. He did this with all of us around. I am afraid to think what he would do if there wasn't so my adults around. In his mind, babies should be kissed, no exception. He will even try and kiss babies in strollers that we don't know. Most times he is in a stroller so he can't, but if I take him out for a little, he will try and kiss the babies. He will also try and kiss girl toddlers.