Showing appreciation and love for parents

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I was hoping some of you with adult children with Asperger's could help me understand how to show that I love and appreciate my parents very much.

A little background: I was adopted at 16 yo by my parents, only carrying an ADHD dx at the time. I struggled a lot in my early adulthood and they supported me financially for a lot of it, although I never had to move back home. I was finally diagnosed last Spring with Asperger's, moderate severity; and they don't really want to talk to me about it. I think they don't believe I have it. I lived with them for a total of about three years in late adolescence.

Anyway, I am constantly doing things that I think show them I don't appreciate them even though I do things deliberately to show them (Like cooking all of Christmas dinner, even though I only had about 12 hours off from work to visit). I'm having trouble now because I'm working a lot (to me, 30 hours a week is a lot, I work as a line cook) and am having difficulty scheduling visits due to planning (executive dysfunction, and I want to just sleeeeeep on my days off) and they're busy with their own commitments.

Okay finally to the question: How do you want your ASD adult children to show you that they appreciate and love you? I'm having the hardest times, I feel so silly sending cards and have trouble just calling them up out of the blue. I want to do something meaningful. I do bake for them and clean their house, help them with their rental apartments, etc. I just don't have time right now for those things.

On a tangent (we love those!) I wish they'd believe my diagnosis so they wouldn't get hurt (is that possible?) when I miss an obligation or schedule something badly and lose time to visit or don't leave enough cash on hand to drive down (hour away, $10 in tolls, $25 in gas) at a moment's notice. This stuff isn't because I don't love them and care for them, it's due to having autism. I'm lucky if I leave the house with everything when I go to work, and everything has it's place in certain pockets, etc. the things I do to function would astonish people (some of it really complicated and routinized).

Help!? I want to be a good daughter to my amazing parents, I wish to stop feeling like I'm always letting them down....

Make time to spend with your parents. That's what's important to me; that my daughters, who live far away, make an effort to see me a couple times a year.

Your parents know your struggles with work and time management; so whenever you can pull it all together to see them is, I'm sure; heartwarming for them.

Use your complex managing systems and target time to see them.

Forgive me if I am out of line on this: It sounds like you do a lot, already. It also sounds like you are sad because they do not believe in your diagnosis and maybe you are trying too hard to gain their approval because of this. Parents want to see their children and it seems like you are doing your best to see them, and do things for them. If they are critical and acting like this is not enough (I do not know that they are doing this---but I am sensing some self-esteem issues from what you wrote---forgive me if I am wrong) then the problem may be with them.

I do not have an adult yet, but I would be excited if my child was independent and happy and making an effort to see and talk to me when he could. *At home and happy would be fine, too---I would just be more worried about his future in that case. Anything else would be extra, and I would not expect him to use all/most of his free time to make me happy. I would want him to use his time to make himself happy, too.

I agree, sounds like you do a lot already and maybe they dont know how to tell you how much they appreciate you! Most NT 35yos dont do that much for their parents

It could probably all be cleared up if you all sat down and talked about it, but I know thats asking a lot and its not easy to do. I am NT and love my parents to bits, they have been great all through the problems Ive had with my AS daughter, but I am guilty of never showing it or telling them. It feels awkward and I would probably start crying and not be able to talk lol!

My daughters only young and we are yet to get a formal dx for AS but we are nearly there. She shows very little consideration for us and recently is incredibly ungrateful, always asking for more and never saying thank you for anything. We do our best to give her everything she needs and treat her but its never enough and it does drive me mad. However shes my daughter and I understand her difficulties, I wil always love her and forgive her for anythin she might do to upset me, shes too young to know yet. Shes driven me to tears already today and wound me up to the point of snapping, but Im over it now and we have hugged and cheered up

I think the things you are doing are enough and it sounds like money is tight so buying presents may not be an option. I bet if you talked to them they would tell you that you do enough and they already know how much you lve them

Thank you all for your replies. I do have a lot of guilty feelings because of my past and how I've been. Something changed and there was a turnaround where I could appreciate people. I'm hoping for your young daughter, ConfusedNewb that this same thing will happen too.

Sitting down and talking about things is one of the most difficult tasks for all of us. I am pretty intense and get wound up easily so usually these talks end up in emotional disaster.

From reading around on this part of the forum, there are a lot of feelings that get stirred up after a diagnosis, regardless of the age of the child. While I'm happy to accept it and make changes to make my life easier, others around me have the right to disbelieve until they in their own time come to terms with it and their feelings. I think it's hard for some parents to believe their child has autism... partly because of the stigma an older generation may have and moreso because it shatters hopes of the child's future.

I will find time to go down and cook for them like I was when I wasn't working. It's been hard because they are very busy, retired, but with a very full social calendar, usually doing some meeting, outing or whatnot in the evenings. If we have to schedule things weeks in advance I can definitely handle that.

I agree with what you wrote about ASDMommyASDKid, I do a lot because I am feeling like nothing's ever enough, because I'm not a 'real' daughter... I can't be what they wanted when they adopted me, whatever that is! I have also let them down by not being 'normal', not achieving things... I have cousins who make 6 figures who they've "parented" through college before they got me, who I'm always compared to... and they're treated better than I am, I'm often condemned for 'living in poverty' and not pursuing better career options, but then blindsided with 'we want you to be happy', but it's their version of happy which means well-to-do. I make a little over 12k a year, married to someone making about 20k a year. To me, we have enough money to pay the bills and do some extras we like, so to us, the money is enough.

Anyway, sorry got into a little rant there. I think this is a complex issue and it's not going to be made easier by simply trying harder. I gotta know the grounds for what they feel is 'enough' or maybe it's pathelogically, 'never enough' and I need to get past that too. Be happy with myself, no matter who disapproves. Spending time with others' is very difficult for me to do usually, even parents. Even my husband. Wish it were another way.

Yup, I will third what ASDMommyASDKid wrote. I am not sure how to suggest things could be improved going forward, but I do think you have a lot of stuff to piece out.

Being a line cook is not nothing, either - and I think many people who aren't in the business just don't get it. There are several famous chefs and others who have written books about the restaurant industry. Most of them (as you might guess) are not very, shall we say, polite reading but if your parents might be open to learning about what your job is like, that might help as well.

I agree with what people have said. You are doing so well, and I think it's your parents who aren't showing their understanding and appreciation for you well enough. Moreover, it should be easier for them to do it... A parent's first job is to show unconditional love to his or her child and to express the idea that "you are important to the world!"

However, I can't resist the temptation to respond to the literal question you asked. Maybe it's because I really try hard to show my appreciation for my children and they do a great job of letting me know they appreciate what I do for them. And maybe it's because I've seen other couples and families in which people love each other but can't manage to show it or feel it.

One thing we did together as a family was talk about a book I'd read called _The Five Love Languages of Children_. It helped me, and then them, to see how we all communicate and understand love differently. For instance, I realized that when my daughter bought be a present and I said, "You shouldn't have spent your money!" I was rejecting her way of showing love. Parents and children, husbands and wives often have different ways of showing and receiving love.

You can go to the page http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ and learn more about it, but I would suggest starting here:
http://www.iacac.org/wp-content/uploads ... guages.pdf

You can figure out how you prefer to receive love as well as how your parents do. Showing our love and appreciation is never wrong! It may also help you to see that you might show your love in a way that your parents do not understand, and that they might be trying to express their love in a way that doesn't register with you.

Good luck, and good on you for doing so well in your life!

J.

Parents don't need much from their kids, just a sense that the kids WANT to spend time with them, and are willing to give them their attention when they do.

My mom is in heaven simply because her grandchildren talk to her when they visit, and don't look at their cell phones or video games, like she hears other grandchildren do. That one little thing means the world to her, that they will give her their undivided attention.

I hear parents brag about things like their teenagers actually wanting to go on vacation with them.

It is wanting to be with someone and choosing to spend time with them that shows appreciation and affection more than anything else.

That said, we all know people have limitations and budgets and so on. But if you can spend an hour on the phone listening to every ache and pain from a recent illness, that alone makes it clear you would have wanted to come, and only didn't because of outside constraints.

And ... you could show them your post. They would be so touched.

I'll start by saying you do more for your parents than I have ever done for mine.

That being said...I don't have adult children yet. But when I picture myself and them older, one thing that I think would make me happy is if they asked for, and valued, my advice. I suspect this may not be true for everyone, but for me, having my kids value my opinion enough to ask for it when they no longer have to be subjected to it would make me feel pretty darned good.

My kids already do a pretty good job of making me feel appreciated. By simple things. Like telling me I am their favorite mother and they wouldn't pick another one, even if they could. Or when my son agrees to take my word for something (usually something social), even when it doesn't make sense to him. Or when my daughter draws a birthday card for me that says "I love you even when I'm angry" with hearts and smiley faces all over it! LOL!