Meltdowns in our young adult son

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:cry We need some advice from other families who experience meltdowns with your young adult child with autism. Josh is 20 and experiences meltdowns more frequent than we would like. He is 5'9" and weighs 315 lbs. He is such a loving handsome and beautiful person except when he is in meltdown mode. He is with my husband most of the day as Scott works on habitation skills while I work to carry our insurance. His meltdowns consist of biting, kicking, head butting and the list goes on. The police have responded several times thanks to "well intended people" who react and not offer help. We are getting very frustrated and do not know what to do at times. My husband will come home with scratches, bite marks, a sore mouth from Josh grabbing his lower lip, and so on. When the meltdown is over Josh sobs from remorse. We are afraid he is going to cause an accident and or injury to someone who is not so forgiving which will open up another can of worms. We love him so much and don't know what to do at times. Any suggestions out there.

I get like this too, am not much older than Josh, and have had cops called on me by "well intentioned" people which is why I carry a card discussing autism. It is not good for him to 'feel remorse' or 'feel guilt' because it is not his fault, that's what internalized ableism would do to you in this society. One thing I have found that helps is weighted blankets and not too much sensory stimulation.

Weighted blankets are very good. Make sure to get 10 pounds for each 10 pounds of his weight which you could get 2 15 pound blankets and stack them. Pressure helps to relax a lot of autistic folks. Another thing that can help with sensory issues because this is usually due to sensory issues, is a low dose of an SSRI pill such as Prozac. I don't know why but many people have experienced this.

Another thing to do is to make sure your kid gets enough sleep and melatonin is very good for autistic folks because many people's bodies don't produce enough of it. Personally I find that drinking coffee helps me calm down a lot especially in the mornings and be more 'body aware'. HTH.

You did not mention your son's place on the spectrum. Is he verbal? Showing post meltdown remorse does indicate that he knows his actions are out of line and that he has an emotional attachment to appropriate behavior. I disagree with Esoteric on one point though, I think it is a good thing! Not that shaming by others is ever appropriate, but his remorse shows that he does have insight!

Does he have the ability to talk/communicate about his actions in the abstract (like when he is not acting out, but can reflect or understand about what happens inside his feelings when he is either in, or entering into meltdown mode?) Can he identify his feelings from memory - like after a meltdown/remorse cycle, and does he know what might trigger them?

For me, achieving self control involves a lot of insight work. I have to really think about what went on when something would cascade into a meltdown. It often involved being overwhelmed and frustrated and then angry etc...about my situation. Learning to identify that emotional space and knowing what not to do before it's 'too late' and the 'frustration/anger/rage/whatever you want to call it' erupts was the key for making this milestone. If learning when to call for a personal time-out for himself, rather than continuing to struggle to function socially - is possible, then I can tell you how it worked for me.

Many on the spectrum do better in a low or controlled stimulus environment, and find that over stimulation must be avoided...And that level is self determined - the meltdown threshhold can seem surprisingly low to the NT person) Anyway, too many or too much demand (ableism)can be part of the problem.No amount of encouragement and cheerleading can take the place of lowering the emotinal temperature -

Less is usually enough, and it might be important to find out just how much Josh can 'take' before he loses it. But this level can change and grow! Building on successful periods of interaction and behavior...interspersed with plenty of getting to do whatever activity is socially acceptable and is soothing and calming - I likde some of Esoteric Researches solutions/suggestions - they are creative and most important - THEY WORK - for him - what will work for Josh only Josh can tell you! These kind of things is where I would start....and don't expect too much very soon with such an approach - it sounds like he has some very bad emotional habits (automatic negative reactions to things) that will take time to overcome and outgrow.

I notice that you say he is very big. A healthy diet with lots of exercise is important to getting 'into the body' ...many of us feel unintegrated physically. Can he swim? run? walk and hike? Horseback riding can be wonderful - there is something about the physical communication with animals that can be very therapeutic. Solitary 'sports' where he sets his own pace can create a sense of achievement that is vital to self esteem.

And last but not least, NEVER let some so called professional tell you that he cannot grow - Spectrumites have their own developmental timetable and it is longer, slower, deeper and ultimately can be richer by far than that of an NT person. Like everyone else, we thrive on love, acceptance and respect.

Good luck - he's a lucky young man to have caring and concerned parents.

Hi, BornThisWay. There is a thread that I did about "self control". and also this is just an addendum.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt241759.html

FWIW, some experiences of my own that brought me to these conclusions. I'm a self-sufficient and employed adult who's been told to "control myself" and "have self discipline" but I do have violent meltdowns and not always with a trigger. Kinda like Josh does. They sometimes involve screaming, which gets people to call the cops on me and to have gotten me evicted from apartments that I've paid for myself, and kept up myself. Sometimes 'self control' does backfire and make it worse.

The one thing I've done though is turn it in on myself instead of on others, like the head hitting and stuff, that causes fewer issues, and try to keep it in my house. Try. But that doesn't always work. But at that time, I did not know much about autism advocacy, only that I had this 'condition' that I had to 'control', you know what I mean?

Putting the blame on the person with autism rather than the system in which they operate - the idea of overcome and outgrow - is setting people up for self doubt and being even more overwhelmed. I still have little ability to identify my own feelings, nor am I able to tell what a trigger is - and I'm in my late 20s. There are limits to growth sometimes, as I found out the hard way. While the shame thing does show that Josh has insight but maybe, feeling the shame and feeling the hurt of others and the shame that others give to him, is causing part of the distress.

HTH and this is just my $0.02.

Showing remorse afterwards is a mixed bag. When they don't show remorse they are looked upon as sociopathic, and if they do show remorse than they "know right from wrong," which brings in a whole level of accountability which may not be appropriate. It does not mean they understand it before and after, and sometimes it doesn't even mean they understand afterwards. Sometimes it is just that they know people are upset with them, and they say what people have told them they want to hear.