Frustration vent.......

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I really feel the frustrations of what my daughter won't experience more than when we are in the situations of being in close proximity of group of girls. Yesterday at the beach about 8 girls spending the day together at the beach, we were right next to them at about 3 ft away and conversations just flow , real spontaneous. I got really jealous and sad. Then there is my beautiful daughter making sand castles at 16 all by her self. She is used to this but I am not.

What 16 and a half year old spends the day at the beach with mum and dad? Yes, I know , I'm venting, I do not portray my feeling about this to her, I am just thankful she is happy.

She asked me today, "How do you not be scared of talking with your friends?" That made me more sad.

My daughter is in a friends group at school, with two of the girls a bit closer to her, but my child is really not spontaneous and only talks when spoken to and people only try so far. She spends her holidays with me and her dad and a holiday program for people on the spectrum.

What I find annoying and I dont blame people anyway, I do but I dont, I'm not perfect either is that they dont try to include her. Like today at the gym, my friends know she is on the spectrum and my daughter will answer and does like when people talk to her, but they went on talking without including her.

My vent is done, thank you for reading, add something if you like.

My daughter love love loves christmas.

I know it can be frustrating.

The thing that helps me is to realize that, like your daughter, my daughter is happy. Her teacher made comments recently about wanting my daughter to develop some friendships, to interact with kids instead of adults, and she noted that she works independently in school instead of joining the group and it made me sad and irritated and all kinds of other emotions...except...my daughter is happy. She is happy with her "friendships" (few and superficial as they are) and she likes to do things by herself. She does not view these things as problematic. NT adults do (sometimes me included). So, I have decided to take the approach to teach her to be resilient against the comments of others who try to make her feel like there is something wrong with the fact that she prefers to keep her friendships superficial and to work independently. These things are not signs of deficiencies. They are simply her preferences. They just happen to be preferences that others do not understand. That does not mean she should have to feel less because of them.

My son, on the other hand, has always wanted to join in, but had difficulty doing so. The best remedy for this was to encourage him to form bonds with other socially awkward kids. In fact, he had to learn that one of his closest friends needs a lot of space and if he doesn't want to hang out with him, to just let him be and not take it personally. Some times when this boy comes over to our house, they will spend a good 30 minutes doing different things because the boy needs his space. My son has learned to be completely accepting and appreciative of this, whereas most kids try even harder to include him when he is trying to break away, thereby raising his stress immensely. This boy has told me how much he appreciates and values my son. And my son feels the same way as this boy has never made him feel bad about his immature interests. And the truth is, his very small social circle is probably a better example of "true friendship" than what most of his peers have. They are super accepting of one another. But by outside standards, they probably don't look like "friends" because they do not do the things that kids this age typically do. But they are all happy, and that is what counts.

Our kids truly need to be measured by their own standards because they will probably never fit the standards of their typical peers. I think that we should always remember, though, that sometimes their standards are superior, because they are capable of things that their NT peers are not. My son, for example, recognizes justice and injustice in a way that I think many adults do not. His kind heart and rather literal, black-and-white approach to the world prevents him from doing the mental gymnastics that most NT people to do make themselves "OK" with things that deep inside they know are not "right." Whenever I start to feel down about the areas where he struggles, I remind myself of the areas where he excels.

Sorry you have hit a rough spot. We have all been there, I think. Sometimes when I get there, I just need to feel it for a bit before I can let it go, and sometimes I just need to shift my perspective.

It takes a long time to adjust. I am, let's say, not the most social person. And it still made me cry when we went on a field trip a few years ago, and all the other kids were interacting with each other and the animals; and my son was literally circling the perimeter of the area, inside the fence, with his hands behind his back, like they taught the kids to do in the hallway. I seemed like he was in a prison yard or something, you know? But I asked him later, and he said he had a great time! Who can tell, sometimes?

The thing is, what makes us happy, doesn't necessarily make them happy. The things we think ought to make them happy, don't necessarily happy. What we want for them, may not be what they want. Sadly, even if they do want these things, they may not be able to get them b/c of their own inability to navigate, their own priorities or just others' callousness.

You don't ever really accept all of it with no pain. But I at least am OK with it as long as he is happy. It is when he isn't that still throws me. I help him when he is receptive, and there is advice I can give, otherwise...I can only explain how people are.