Holding grudges for years

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Hi...new here. I hope I do this correctly. My son, who is 19, is, "young" in many ways. One thing that he likes to do is sit in his rope swing in the back yard, where he, "does some of his best thinking." He has started talking w/ someone, in hopes that we can work on some of his OCD behaviors, and she told me that he said that his thoughts are private. I told him that OCD can be brought on by stress, and long story short, I finally have found out that he's been holding a grudge against a teacher for like 6 years. We've talked about why she may have done things the way that she did, and how it would have been much better to talk about it then, but I don't know what to do about the ,"letting go" part. He has never hurt anyone, or himself, but he admits, he has imagined hitting her. I can't tell the therapist, because it was so hard to get him to open up, and he said, "promise not to tell." He wrote the, "most important" thing if paint on the computer, because he couldn't say it to me, and it was really just her trying to deal w/ obnoxious middle schoolers while they waited for the sped van. He felt bullied by them, but the grudge is against her because she didn't take his side.

I'm afraid to just drop it, but don't know what to do.
Thanks!

I think this incident must have been very emotionally intense and had a large impact on him. I do not think it would be wise to violate his trust as he will have a very long memory for that as well. Obviously, it is not healthy to nurse that kind of grudge in secret for so long, but I could easily see where it could happen. I think you should trust the therapy process, for now, and hopefully now that he has had the courage to tell you (even if non-verbally) then maybe he will be more likely to bring it up to the therapist.

Thanks for the reply. I was scared to death-he was hyperventilating, which he doesn't do. It scares me so much that he will internalize other things without talking. Do you think that I should suggest to the therapist might bring up the topic of keeping things inside and how it might effect people in different ways. I'm not going to tell her what he said.
Thanks!

I am not a parent, but I am a person who's almost sure I'm on the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum.

When my parents even partially justified the actions of an authority figure, it became a bigger deal. It's so much better to take the view, okay, some authorities just aren't that good, which is also true, and from that baseline we can strategize about the situation, leaving the decision up to me in a respectful way.

And yes, I do realize it was six years ago. But if it's a situation where I felt all alone, it can bother me for quite a bit longer that that.

I would tell her what he said, but tell her that he asked you not to tell anyone. That way she can bring it up in a round about way so he can decide to either admit it to her or not. She could say something like "Have you ever had violent thoughts about someone you were angry at years ago, or does it make you happy when something bad happens to them?" Something vague like that so he won't connect it with what you said.

Also, get him a journal to write things down in and don't read it. Tell him to write everything he feels in it, keep it hidden, and that way he gets out his anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else.

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I would not try and parse it and partially reveal his confidence. That makes for a very awkward situation in which he is likely to pick up that you at least partially revealed and then wonder how much. It also puts the therapist in a difficult position.

Please try not to do anything for a couple of days. And then maybe, this option of saying to your son . .

This bothers me a great deal, for your sake. I can give you three or four weeks to tell your therapist. But then I'm going to have to tell him or her on my own.

Thanks for your input. You won't believe this, but he actually doesn't know she's a therapist. When he's done with school, I foresee him having difficulty with employment in even the most menial of tasks because he checks and re-checks things at his work program at school..but HE doesn't see his behaviors as a problem, so doesn't want help. He believes that she's simply someone who wants to know more about AS. I have a consultant that was the Director of Special Ed in a nearby town, and she and the therapist both suggested I not tell him the truth yet, because she hasn't made any progress, and they think he may clam up more. *sigh* I only want what's best for him.

^^^ I know that I'd have been very upset about being lied to in that position. I was a very black and white thinker as a child, and had similar issues with trusting others and opening up. I'd broach that gently, because I know I would have completely shut off communication if I felt lied to or manipulated. Just MHO.

I am so thankful for the replies here...I think that last time I answered, I didn't realize that more than one person had posted, but it doesn't look as if I can reply to each. I will give some thought to these while I am awake in the middle of the night, as always, and reply tomorrow. Too many people talking to me now.

I am so thankful for the replies here...I think that last time I answered, I didn't realize that more than one person had posted, but it doesn't look as if I can reply to each. I will give some thought to these while I am awake in the middle of the night, as always, and reply tomorrow. Too many people talking to me now.

I still think you should just give the therapy process some time. My logic being that if he is in no danger of harming anyone, then what harm is there in just letting the process do its thing.? He has harbored these thoughts for a long time, and a little more time won't hurt, if he is not in danger on acting on his thoughts. That said, if the therapist is only planning on working on functional/job issues you might want to give a very general heads up, like, "I think there are a lot of things going on in his head, but I cannot seem to get in there." If you get too specific you might start acting weird or guilty and the therapist might accidentally tip him off.

I am assuming your therapist has a game plan, and is good at reaching people with communication disorders. Did you and the therapist discuss general goals?

I also think the journal idea, by OliveOilMom, is a good idea. He can write or draw his thoughts and not worry about anyone seeing it, as long as you can control the urge to peek.

If the therapist is suggesting you not tell your son she is a therapist, then she may not be the best one to deal with this issue. Truth can be VERY important to individuals with ASD, and if someone does an action that violates the "code," the hurt lingers. What has started here is highly treacherous.

Maybe it go better if you sometimes meet with a therapist for guidance, but actually do the talking with your son yourself.

I would not share something that your son has asked you not to. But I do think it would be an interesting conversation to find out why he can't talk about it. Somehow he has internalized a "rule" that these feelings violate, and there could be all sorts of ways that "rule" is causing him issues.

Perhaps you could ask him what he thinks the rules and norms are in a variety of situations, to start getting some inkling of what his internalized "code" looks like.

Okay, with OCD, something you should definitely know about is the whole PANDAS hypothesis. This is the idea that some cases of OCD, probably only a minority, are caused by an autoimmune reaction to strep, very similar to rheumatic fever. And I say hypothesis because some doctors are skeptical about the whole thing.

PANDAS is both serious and easily treated. You'd probably start with a blood test for antibodies for strep. I think it's so easily treated it's almost a free roll.

I would also look for sources of stress in the present. Six years is a long time, it's likely that this bothers him more because something in the present is reminding him of that situation. And if you can find a way to help with a current stressor, the past should fade.

After keeping this in so long, it may seem very exaggerated. If you can try to listen supportively it should help. I would be empathic about his feelings but try to avoid reacting strongly. He likely needs help calming down about it, so no matter what he says, if it's possible to role model emotional control, I would try my best to do that.

If you are taking your kid to a therapist who he doesn't think is a therapist, then you are already putting a big one over on him. It's not even a baby step to tell her what he said. You are obviously trying to sneak the help in to him, so if that's the rules of engagement, then tell her what he said! I mean come on.

Now, if my mother took me to somebody who she said was just interested in this, that or the other and it turned out to be a psychiatrist (we didn't have therapists back then, just psychiatrists) I'd be furious with her.

And yes, I do have grudges I hold from way back. With reason. Maybe he has a reason for them too. Just because someone doesn't let go of everything like you think they should doesn't make them wrong. It makes them have different emotions than you, that's all.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

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