Funny observation

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My wife b*****s at me(she is the NT for whatever that means) because she says she can watch me interact with my son for hours and not one word is spoken by me, she sees this as hurting his development.

The way I see it I don't need words to understand my son, and he doesn't usually need words to understand me. I actually like not talking LOL while playing with him or spending time with him. I mean he is three we don't exactly debate Russian literature.

Is your child NT? I don't think there is anything wrong with non-verbal communication, but if your kid is AS/AU, she might be freaking out because she feels she has to try hard to get him to learn to communicate and you should too. My kid is AU and to prepare my child for the world we really did have to emphasize verbal speech, especially at that age. I am a yakkety-yack kind of aspie anyway, and so is my husband, so it worked out.

Even if your child is NT, instructing a young child in speech is a basic function, and she may be reacting to that. I am not a developmental expert, but at 3, an NT child would probably have enough of a foundation that a few hours of mutually enjoyable quiet time should not be an issue. When kids are in pre-k, at 3, they are starting to teach them how to be quiet and listen, so it is not like they are getting a constant day of practice in reciprocal speech, anyway.

My son is anon-verbal autism, I understand my wife's concerns but we just naturally develop a non-verbal dynamic between us(he has way less meltdowns when with me).

It is probably, partially, a panic reaction and she may (I don't know your wife) feel that everyone needs to do -more- all the time. It is a common reaction. I do think everyone needs downtime, no matter how much "work" they need to be doing -- even autistic kids-- maybe especially so. It is just a hard sell, sometimes.

There is a balance that I do think gets lost in the feeling of urgency. There are so many messages being sent to parents of autistic kids that whatever you are doing is never, ever enough. It is very easy to internalize it and very hard to fight.

If your son has happy downtime it may end up making his therapies more efficient because he feels more rested. That might be an easier sell, if you make sure you do some of the "harder" stuff, too. (I am not saying you aren't, but sometimes moms can get peeved if they perceive they are doing all the hard stuff, and dad gets all the fun time.)

As a mom who does all the "hard work" including trying to teach DH what I've learned from various sources on what, how and why, I do get resentful that it seems to be all on me. It's kind of a natural result of the fact that since I've either been a SAHM or a part-time worker I have more time to take care of all these appointments, etc., so that he doesn't have to take so much time off of work to go with me. If he'd at least pay attention to me when I share what I've learned and what the professionals have said, and then implement what has been recommended, I'd feel less resentful. As it is, I'm starting to insist he goes with me to doctor/therapist appointments, school IEP meetings, etc., because I'm tired of fighting him and his lack of knowledge/assistance.

Anyway, all that to say that if your approach to interacting with your son is going to be different from your wife's, then I hope you have scientific documentation/professional recommendations to back that up. And really, you both should be doing a little both - meaning she should sometimes do what you do, and you should sometimes do what she does. Don't leave all the work on her.

Also, since you mentioned that your child melt downs more with her than with you, it comes across as if you think she's doing something wrong, and you're doing something right. When my husband has that attitude, I am downright pissed. Not good for a marriage, and not good for the child.

As a mom who does all the "hard work" including trying to teach DH what I've learned from various sources on what, how and why, I do get resentful that it seems to be all on me. It's kind of a natural result of the fact that since I've either been a SAHM or a part-time worker I have more time to take care of all these appointments, etc., so that he doesn't have to take so much time off of work to go with me. If he'd at least pay attention to me when I share what I've learned and what the professionals have said, and then implement what has been recommended, I'd feel less resentful. As it is, I'm starting to insist he goes with me to doctor/therapist appointments, school IEP meetings, etc., because I'm tired of fighting him and his lack of knowledge/assistance.

Anyway, all that to say that if your approach to interacting with your son is going to be different from your wife's, then I hope you have scientific documentation/professional recommendations to back that up. And really, you both should be doing a little both - meaning she should sometimes do what you do, and you should sometimes do what she does. Don't leave all the work on her.

Also, since you mentioned that your child melt downs more with her than with you, it comes across as if you think she's doing something wrong, and you're doing something right. When my husband has that attitude, I am downright pissed. Not good for a marriage, and not good for the child.

My wife refuses to accept the autism thing to an extent, sometimes she refuses to not parent like he was NT.

We share parenting about 50/50(we have a mostly home based business).

I do think I have a special insight into my son, as he is basically a clone of me at his age. The other day she pointed out that we have the same odd gait and walk.

I have no scientific refs for anything, I'm just approaching it as if I was raising myself.

If she is still in denial about the diagnosis, it may have to do with that. She may have no idea how your child's mind works, and that the quiet time is happy time. I would guess though, that part of it is her concerns about him not being verbal. Even if you are both doing 50/50 from a total time perspective, she may not count any of the quiet, happy time because it will seem unproductive and like no effort to her even if it takes time.

If her strategies are different, she will want you to take over 50/50 of what she thinks is important. This is tough if you both don't agree on how much time your child should be "working" on verbal and other skills vs. how much downtime he should have. If he is not verbal, it may be more complicated than just raising him as you think you should have been raised. My son is verbal but has some very different challenges than I did, and I do have to adjust, accordingly. Nt parents have to adjust, too. if she is trying to raise him how she was raised, that won't work, either.

What has happened when you have tried to hash that out? Has she even told you what her expectations are so that you can discuss it?

Not to discount what professionals can offer, which is a lot, there are many things I've figured out from talking to actual ASD individuals that the professionals aren't tuned into. They don't have the time to get inside your one unique child's head, so you as parents will ALWAYS know things they don't.

And, well, some professionals are just idiots - that is obvious if you've been on this board long enough. Understanding ASDs is still a quickly evolving area, and while it is all miles ahead of a few decades ago, the process is not yet done.

Professionals are always blown away with how well I understand ASD and my son, and that came from places like this, not them. I rely on them for all the formal terms and assessments and therapies (subject to my veto), but I rely on me for figuring out what my son needs most.

Your wife needs to understand that because how ASD affects each individual is so unique, and so much is not yet known about it, that she really should not rely on professionals over parental instincts. You will truly need both to do the best by your child.

All that said, it won't hurt to try to balance it out a little more, the non-verbal play which your son most likely finds calming, and gentle verbal engagement to help him practice. Use your instincts to know when he can be pushed to practice, and when he really needs the quiet.

The funny thing about the observation was I couldn't believe myself it was happening, I was sure I was talking and verbalizing things but I realized she was right I was slipping into silence without knowing it. I do try to talk and verbalize(now we are going to eat etc). She had taped us one day with a good ten minutes going with no word from me while playing with him and even getting him a drink he wanted, it was kind of eye opening.(not saying it was better just funny to see).

She doesn't see the subtle movements and gestures my son does, or she thinks ignoring them until she asks him to verbally ask for something is better. I honestly think this could be harmful, our son will think we are purposely ignoring his non-verbal communication, and just get frustrated. I think this causes meltdowns already.

We had communication-related meltdowns a lot early on. I don't think constant meltdowns are physiologically so great for the brain. I always got him his banana or whatever it was he wanted whenever I was lucky enough to figure it out, and I could see he wasn't going to ask. Then I would reinforce it with the word when I gave it to him. That seemed like a good middle ground, b/c yeah, I agree with you on the trust thing.

I know it is a common technique to withhold the item, if you know the child has the word for it, but sometimes they really cannot get the word out. I don't think I slowed anything down by doing that, but of course I do not know. I think communication and trust trump verbal language. I don't even think the modern ABA practitioners that will withhold the item, will withhold it for terribly long if they see the child is unable to do it, or is too upset.

The last two posts have me recalling a blog I once read from a mother whose son had been non-verbal for a very long time. When he started to talk, he told that he had always thought he was talking, and was wondering why no one seemed to hear him.

So, confirming what you can and cannot hear and see and what you are responding to could be very important for helping him keep things straight in his mind, as to what is in his head alone v. what he has shared and how.

I suggest a middle ground. When your son makes one of those non-verbal signals, you should verbally acknowledge it as something you understand even though it was not spoken. Make sure it is clear what got you to take action, so that he does not think he spoke when he did not, or that you can read his mind.

And your wife should not ignore any signals she sees, but she could gently prompt him to verbalize his requests, "you look like you might want a glass of water. If you do, could you use your words and ask for one?"

My son definitely did this. He would get mad at me for not listening to him, when he actually never said what he thought he did. DW has good suggestions as to how to address this.

My little guy was what they called pre verbal(he could say some words but very rarely ever did) at three and is just now talking at 4 1/2. We have him in a special pre school and 20 hrs over 6 a week, so we try to give him down time( time to be a kid and do whatever he wants with no real rules) since he is working 9 hrs a day 5 days a week and 4 hrs on Sat. That being said, we still do make an effort to talk to him everyday. If it isn't his protected downtime we talk to him and expect him to at least speak to us for his basic needs.

We set aside time for him to play/decompress where we don't request him to speak and let him just be him. Sometimes he wants us to play with him and we follow his lead on speaking most of the time he wants to either play by himself with toys we keep just for play(no aba reward) or on his ipad. When he is on his device he often wants to hang out with us but not interact. I think this has helped keep tantrums down. Kids need downtime just like adults and they need free play. You just have to figure out the balance that works for you kid. My husband and I are on the same page or at least same book with our plan. It can be really difficult if you are not a team.

From what you said, I wonder if your wife is a bit jealous as well. Both my husband are able to communicate with our guy non verbally. He is super affectionate and reaches out. We never felt disconnected from him. It might not be so easy for your wife. Esp if she is in denial. I couldn't imagine how frustrating and sad it would be to not to connect with your child and how difficult it would be to see your spouse be able to do so without even a word.