how to react to well meaning peoples comments

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Hi. I am a mother of two little boys, one autistic and one awaiting diagnosis. They're both preschool age and completely perfect and so cute and cool. I guess I'm not the only one who has to deal with things like this so I thought I'd get other folks ideas.
There are times when you need to tell people this. I'm not ashamed, I'm very proud of them and I want them to have good self esteem as they grow up. The trouble is the reactions from people! Friendly people wanting to say hi or talk to the boys, we live in a small place so it happens all the time. Then they get no response or echolalia and then they either keep going on or asking "what did you say...?". And then I usually say something like "he has special needs/autism and he won't respond but please carry on and say hi as he likes it even though he won't look at you." I already find this difficult to come out with as its a mouthful and i suffer with social anxiety. But then you get all the "aah im sorry to hear that." "Oh you wouldnt know by looking at him would you?" "That must be so hard for you." And once i even got someone say to me "oh my granddaughter is autistic, not like that though , proper autism." From someome who'd never done more than look at my child. That last one was an exception as most are well meaning but i can't help but feel taken aback by them. How can i react to them? It can't be good for my children to hear people attempting to console me about having them, even though they have very limited understanding they are both very perceptive about emotions and particularly my eldest reacts very strongly when there are negative emotions about. Honestly my children aren't a burden to me and I think they are better than any nt children anywhere! At the moment i just end up saying something awkward like "its fine! They make me so happy".
I want tips on how to make a conversation like this short and positive so i can keep the social anxiety to a minimum and not expose my sensitive children to idiots.
Cheers!

The problem that both you and people on the spectrum face is that although there is plenty of awareness of autism now, society's understanding of it is still very limited. But then I probably don't need to tell you this, since it sounds like you encounter it continually. One solution would be to rehearse some short, courteous responses based on your and your children's experiences. If you haven't already read it, get a copy of Tony Attwood's excellent book, 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome'. He comes up with some very good, pithy one-liners.

If you don't want to expose your boys to idiots, then you are going to have to avoid a large proportion of the world's population.

I would think of myself as a teacher, spreading awareness, rather than somebody who's irritated by "idiotic" remarks.

The way to make people less "idiotic" is to teach them. Really. It does help sometimes.

If these people have time, maybe talk about your experiences as well. Maybe you could make them supporters, rather than the adversaries they would be if all you thought about was how "stupid" their remarks are.

kraftiekortie provides some excellent advice as usual. However, as I said earlier, I think you need some relatively short, succinct conversational gambits, because a lot of people probably won't want or have time to listen to what they might perceive as a 'lecture' on life as the mother of children with ASD. You might get a reputation as a boring autism evangelist, which will be counter-productive. If you can come up with some polite, interesting 'punchlines' that could be very effective.

Hyperborean haha that made me laugh and ta for the book recommendation.

Kraftiekortie i put idiots in my very last comment as a joke but also as a serious point because if you can't see how offensive it is to say some of these things then frankly you are an idiot. I understand that most people are well meaning but i don't have it in me to lecture them. Just needing some informative titbits

It might help if you get together with some other parents of children on the spectrum and swap experiences. But maybe you've done this already. You don't say where you live, but the UK has some very good networks, social and support groups offering the sort of contact that it sounds like you might find helpful (and also fun). I work with young adults with AS and meet people in your situation all the time; they're so proud of their children - and rightly so.

LOL....I wasn't suggesting a whole lecture.

Just some "tidbits" like you folks suggested.

If somebody makes an offhand remark, rebut the remark, don't go too far away from the remark.

But: it's better to think of one's self as a teacher, rather than one who is angry at the world because of the ignorance of its populace.

I'm in Shetland Islands UK, there's such amazing services here, I think probably one of the best councils in the country. I do go to a group which is fun, I'll have to bring up this topic next month but I do find it hard to be the centre of the discussion haha

Ever heard of the series "Seven-up?"

There was this guy who wandered around the UK, ending up in the Shetland Islands. I forgot his name. He was 28 when he got there, and left when he was about 35.

He took advantage of the services in the Shetland Islands. He came there almost a bum schizophrenic. He partook of the creative-oriented classes there. He left there still on the "dole," but able to become a councilman in various districts of England.

Now that my son is 18 and going off to college, I don't really have the issue anymore, but I do remember:

I've tended to shrug and remind people that everyone has their share of life's gifts and burdens and I adore my son exactly as he is. He truly is the most interesting and dynamic, fascinating person.

I'd just say, "Yeah, they're great. I love them so much!"
Just pretend the person said something nice, even if they didn't. Some will get the hint and be embarrassed, some will just be confused. Either way, it should shut them up without you actually saying anything nasty.

I made my own autism awareness card when my daughter was younger and was more prone to doing things to draw negative attention in public. It said something along the lines of "When you first see me, you probably just notice how cute I am. (I am, aren't I!?!?!) But then as you watch me, you might see me do things that are confusing and maybe even alarming or disturbing. Don't worry. I'm OK. I'm autistic. This means that it is difficult for me to take in everything around me, make sense of it, and respond accordingly. Even thought it might not look like it at this moment in time, in general, I am a very happy kid and I am very smart. You can help by not judging me, or my mom. We are doing the best we can to sort this all out. Thank you for your willingness to learn." That wasn't it exactly, but it was something like that.

To the "I'm sorry" comments, I found "Don't be... I'm not" to work. To the "it must be hard for you" comments, I found "It's hard being a parent. It's no different for me" to work. To the "you wouldn't know by looking at him" comments, I found a simple "nope!" to work.

Sometime before my daughter had noticeable issues, I remember reading a story about a mom who had a kid with significant physical deformities. I don't remember the details, but I do remember that she wrote about how people would stare at her son. She would smile at them and say "he's cute, isn't he?" and it broke the tension and opened the door for her to talk about her son. She said most often as they parted, the people were smiling and happy and much better educated about her son. They would be looking at him as a human being, instead of stealing glances or staring in shock.

I remember when my daughter was younger. People used to stare at her because of her stimming. My son would say "Why are they staring at NAME?" I would say "because she is different and they are curious." My son would say "Everyone is different. Why are they curious?" LOL! You gotta love little kids! But I did try to meet their stares and unasked questions positively. I always approached it with the idea that she is something "new" to them, and they were curious and trying to figure her out. I felt a positive approach may serve to break their ignorance. I will note that this was much easier when what was gaining their attention was happy flapping instead of screeching and making guttural noises. That's when the card came in especially handy.

Nowadays she almost always "passes," so I don't have to deal with those kinds of issues as often. However, every once in a while her "autism shows through" and I still have to explain things.

Just tell them 'I'm not sad, they're a joy to raise'. Your words will matter more to your kids than some stranger's words, trust me.

My parents took pride in me while everyone around thought I was defective. I won't say it didn't hurt to get that reaction, but I always believed my parents over the people who looked down on me.

Wow thanks so much all for your advice it's so helpful and very touching. There's loads in there that I will most definitely be using.

Kraftie I've not heard of that series I'll have to check it out thanks