college age Aspergers daughter-does NOTHING but computer

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My fiance has a 22 year old Aspie daughter who graduated high school but has basically been in her room ever since. No therapy, no programs- nothing. He is waiting until she becomes "motivated" but has accepted that she will probably live with him forever and continue in the same manner. She refuses to see a therapist or a doctor or to get involved in ANYTHING. She emerges basically only to eat, give a hug to dad or sit for a while with younger sister and dad to watch TV but then retreats to her room once again. What, if anything, can or should be done? SHe takes care of her basic needs, but needs reminding to shower or change her clothes. She stays awake all night on computer. She can use microwave but cannot make a phone call (to order pizza or make an appt, etc), cannot pay for things at a store, cannot shop without assistance and it seems the longer she stays home bound, the worse off she gets. ANy advice?

That is interesting. Very passive. Too passive. Getting to the root of that sounds important. What is the foundation of that approach?
Is he feeling lost and overwhelmed by the situation? Is there a fear of being assertive? Is there a lack of knowledge how to be assertive?


Yes, this needs to be dealt with before it eventually creates resentment in you. The relationship will not last if that happens and I'd wager it is on a path to there unless action is taken.

His father probably ought to be working with her on adaptive skills. He may very well be correct that the best option is for her to live at home as long as he lives, (and given that is what he says to you, you ought to take that literally as the most likely outcome) But at some point (when he is to old too care for her, or dies) she will need to transition to some other type of of housing. There are not a lot of programs for adults, which is why I did not suggest that route, though you can ask him if he has checked around.

If I were him I would try to make adaptive skill training fun. For example, if she has a favorite snack like doughnuts, he could start by taking her for a weekly doughnut as a special father-daughter outing, and she can pick out the doughnut, he can give her the money to pay for the doughnut, and watch her as she completes the transaction, count change etc.. At a supermarket she may be able to get the doughnut from a display, which may (or may not) be easier for her than asking for what flavor she wants from a clerk, if he needs to scaffold it further.

He could also teach her other adaptive skills in a similar manner. Some like laundry won't be fun, but if he talks about her special interests with her or engages her in fun conversation while it is done (and start with a very small load) it may go better.

Edited for literacy

If nothing in this situation got better, but nothing got worse, would you stay or would you go?

I don't know what her Dad's deal is. Maybe he truly believes someone with horrible executive functioning skills will change over night. Maybe he truly doesn't care if she ever leaves, or hopes she'll get married off to first guy that shows any interest so he doesn't have to take a stand.

How do you feel about having an adult, disabled person around 24/7? If this guy drops dead, are you willing to pick up slack in terms of three hots and a cot? It's cold to put it that way, but this young woman can't function, and with no family support will wind up in a group home.

You are the odd man out. Why should the daughter change? Life's pretty good right now. I don't know what kind of help the daughter had during high school or why some sort training/post high school education was never set up before she graduated. I don't know if dad feels guilty, worn down, or oblivious to his daughter's issues.

I do know neither seem to be in a hurry to change. You will be the bad guy if you start suggesting, prodding, pleading....

It is one thing if dad had some plan in place, and was working with the daughter. Or was even talking about a plan to make his daughter more self sufficient. There is nothing you wrote about any of that. I would take a very very hard look at this relationship. If you don't care if the status quo ever changes, then get married. If you want this young woman in gear and out of the house in a couple years, it would be a hard pass for me. I don't see it happening because it isn't an issue for the dad.

In my area, Easter Seals handles people with ASD like this young woman. If the dad had guardianship of her, he could force her into program. You start in a group home setting and get moved along to whatever least restrictive housing you can handle. Maybe you can research what is offered in your area and offer that as a suggestion, but I wouldn't hold my breath about dad being receptive.

(Based on what you wrote about him)

No you're right probably totally better to throw her on the streets and have her pull herself up by her bootstraps...how dare her family actually takes care of her. I mean ok does she have aspergers issues that contribute to this? Maybe you should try a little empathy and realize she has a disability isn't just a lazy slob.

That aside with some support and encouragement perhaps she could gradually come to do more and be more independent....but just nastily judging her isn't going to improve anything for her. I mean if the way your fiance takes care of his family really bothers you so much perhaps you should re-consider the marrige, rather than going through with it and potentially bullying his daughter because you think she should do more or this or that...or he isn't being hard enough on her. It seems to me when people aren't on the same or a simular page about issues like this it can't work out even if you idealize it as working out.

wow- the last post rude and not helpful. Maybe I was unclear. I love this man AND his daughter. She has had no post-high school skills training, no therapy, nothing. SHe refuses or is unable. SHe is quite child-like but she is happy. She is very content in her room 24/7 and yes, I have accepted the fact that she may live at home for the next 30 years. I don't mind--and her dad says as long as she is happy, than thats all that matters. I don't mind because she is a sweet girl and os certainly no trouble at all. We barely see her! She emerges from her room a few times a day to hug us and say hello and to eat. Thats about it. I just feel sad because I think she could be doing so much more. But she is afraid of doctors and refuses to go, isn't interested in any type of training or therapy. SHe is 22 and grown, so it's not like you can drag her kicking and screaming to the car to go somewhere. And her dad would never try to have her live in a "home"/group home, etc. He would more likely pay for a small apartment for her and hope that she eventually can stay in it. Hmmmm......was just wondering what others do in this situation. Maybe when she is older she will become tired of her situation and yearn for something more? Maybe around 25 when the brain is fully developed?

also- dad has no problem being assertive, he is just content with the situation and accepted that this is how it is. I have accepted it too and am ok with it, but like I said, I feel bad for HER because I think she could do more. But maybe I shouldn't care and just let it go, because after all, she is happy and dad is happy with the current situation. SO maybe there isn't an issue at all. Again, just wondered if others had any success in motivating Aspie adult children to move forward.

Sorry for being blunt, but unless you guys are very rich, you can't really protect your daughter after you get old and pass away. Plus your daughter at least needs to learn basic financing skills to manage your money after you pass away. Yes she is not a child anymore, but she still depends on you for all her entertainment needs and you can use that to your advantage to help her. Obviously don't restrict her food or anything lol, but if she wants a better phone, a better laptop, or video games, or new books then maybe you can bargain with her to make her do something to earn that. Beware that initially this new rule might be met with anger, please don't give in and continue enforcing your rule, and eventually she will have to comply. Confidence can not really be instilled in a person through talks, it needs to be built by that person by gradually doing things she previously can not do and finding herself that she can actually do things on her own.

I think you and your husband might need to take initiative and help her to open up, or else in all honesty after you guys pass away, she will be totally overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that are suddenly thrown to her at once instead of gradually introduced over time.

Best of luck! I think you gonna be a great step mom!

p.s. Do you know what she does on the internet? If you know what she likes online you might be able to use that info to help her. But obviously don't spy on her, but maybe ask her during dinner?

p.p.s. Also there should be Facebook groups and meetup groups in your local areas for caretakers of people on the spectrum. I don't know but maybe you guys can arrange play dates for your kids together? I joined a group for dog owners in my area and we did play dates for our dogs:) It was great!

I guess I misunderstood, I took it as you were judging her...so sorry about that, now I can see you're just more concerned about her happiness and well-being. I thought you were bitter she was college age and not in college or working.

Sounds like mentally she is much younger than 22...I have met some individuals like that, and the prognosis tends to be that they kind of remain in that functioning bracket. And families do much of the time have to take care of them as if they are a child at least from what I have observed. A regular college setting certainly would not be appropriate it sounds like she needs a more regular support network than a place like that would offer..also without support she could end up in bad situations.

Perhaps you could see if she is interested in any hobby type activities she could do at home for a positive outlet, but not sure how receptive she'd be to that.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 09 Apr 2017, 8:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.

HelloWorld, I do not think taking away the things that make her secure and happy is a good idea at all. She may mature and develop and be able to fathom being independent, but that is clearly not where she is now. I don't know how old she is emotionally, but IMO that is a terribly cruel thing to do, and of no use if she is not developmentally ready.

You cannot bully someone into being more mature. It sounds like she is a delight to be around and is happy, does not meltdown etc. What you are suggesting could cause incredible amounts of damage to her. Would you expect a child chronologically much younger to be independent and take her things away if she was too scared to try?

There does not seem any reason to rush independence. Her father is presumably healthy, and he is marrying someone who seems concerned and not likely to dump her if anything happens to him. Why not get her buy in and work with her gradually over time rather than assuming she is lazy?

Autistics learn and grow at their own pace. She may be ready with 5 years, or 10, or maybe never, and of course they should make a plan for when they die if the answer is never. But taking her things away is not going to make her develop faster, if she does not have the confidence and the foundation skills. She needs to try baby steps where she can develop confidence and that confidence will be her motivation.

Edited to add: I looked up your profile, HelloWorld and it says you are autistic, yourself. You are probably very high functioning and you don't realize what it is like for the ones who have larger gaps in functional areas such as adaptive skills and it seems easier to you, than it appears to be for the OP's future step daughter.

Where did I say they should take away things that make her secure and happy? Please paraphrase:) I never said taking away the old things, I only said giving her new additional things that she may ask (better phones, better laptops, new books, more video games) if she does something to earn them. It could be as simple as spending 10min more with family initially. The theory is that she will get bored of her old things eventually.

Is it considered bullying a child if you make the child take out the trash before getting their ice cream? I mean obviously the OP needs to adjust the task to a level that is suitable to her step daughter, but it is not bullying, it is called responsible parenting. And where did I suggest the OP to take things away? Again please paraphrase:)

I am not assuming she is lazy, but I would judge the parents if they don't try to build up her skill set gradually and leave her to a unknown fate which is possibly consisted of suffering and confusion after her parents eventually get old and pass away. Her social and independence skills can not improve on their own without other people' help. Yes her parents are healthy now, but should you wait till her parents are unhealthy to start building her up? That would be a bit too rushy don't you think so?

Again where did I suggest taking away her things? And yes obviously use baby steps, and use things that she want as rewards for taking those steps. Yes she may never be ready, but the parents should still try to help her become ready. Taking initiative to help her build up her skill set might eventually help her to be ready enough for a bit more independence, but admittedly it is also possible that it won't work out and she just won't ever be ready as well. We can only do what we can and hope for the best. BUT doing nothing certainly is not gonna change anything.

Please fellow forum members, please don't think you are below everyone else in your potential to live a healthy, happy life and should just be stuck in your room just because of your disability, please have some pride in yourselves. Change is possible with hard work. I had social anxiety and panic attacks in high school because of sexual bullying in middle school, and gradually through baby steps I overcame it. When I dealt with social anxiety, I never felt I was ready to talk to anyone, but I made myself speak to people more and more anyway despite totally hating it. By the time I feel I am ready to talk to almost anyone, I have already taught myself lots of social skills to support that confidence. You don't feel ready before taking a change, you realize you are capable and ready after you have made the change...

Last edited by HelloWorld314 on 09 Apr 2017, 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The trouble is she may not have the ability to mature, this might be her full level of maturity. Of course the tactics you mention work ok for normal children that can grow up and mature into a functioning adult. But some people with autism have intellectual disabilities as well and are always going to have the mental functioning level of someone much younger than their physical age. So using tactics meant to get them to mature into a responsible adult doesn't really seem appropriate if this is the case here.

I have met people like that, and yeah it would be cruel to try and put more adult responsibility and such on them..because they don't have the capacity to understand it. I mean I suppose depending on the age they're closest to mentally it can vary like some can mature a bit more than others but its an individual thing.

I met one girl who was 31, but she had the functioning level of a immature 13 year old...interestingly enough I initially thought she was a kid and was kind of surprised when I found out she was actually a 31 year old with an intellectual disability but then I could kind of notice she did look a little older than 13 physically. But yeah her father was her care-taker and his main concern was her being happy...not trying to pressure her to mature into an adult, she couldn't have anyways as she was litterally a forever 13 year old girl in a grown womans body.

Firstly OP did not mention that her daughter had intellectual disability while she did mention her daughter finished high school so I assumed her daughter is within normal intellect.

And yes it is possible that it may not work, but if I were the parent, I would try everything, literally everything before I give up on my child and decide she is only capable of living a life in her room... This method might work if OP takes really baby steps. Like in order to get a new book, the daughter needs to provide a one sentence summary of the last book OP bought for her or something like that. It could be even more simple steps...but don't you think it is a bit better than just giving the daughter whatever she likes?

Yes, and a 13 year old is capable of stepping out of her room to clean the house for pocket money... I think she is able to help her daughter to be able to at least do some chores per day with my method, even a 6 year old can start doing chores. The whole point is helping her daughter to achieve her potential whatever that potential is. But for now it sounds to me that her daughter is too scared or depressed to step outside and achieve her potential.

Yes, you are correct in that you mentioned upgrades, but if the upgrades are important to her and she is used to getting them and it appears punitive, it amounts to the same thing.

In addition new rules that appear punitive is going to make the girl blame the stepmom because who do you think she will blame? That is not the way to a trusting relationship.

It is great that you motivated yourself (which I mean sincerely) but in order to do that you did have to have some minimum level of confidence even if you felt afraid. I don't think making things she currently takes for granted (like the ice cream in your example, which presumably would have been offered unconditionally) into something she all of a sudden has to earn is going to help that. If the only thing holding her back is the desire for a treat, that implies not very positive things, and the girl is likely to pick up on that.

I agree the daughter might be mad initially but I disagree just making the daughter happy on the surface is good for her long term health and happiness. It is similar to dog training. If dog owner gives everything to the dog without asking any behaviour before, the trainer will ask the owner to make the dog perform something before giving it reward in the future to help the dog in the LONG TERM. And as I have said in the initial post, the person/dog might be initially angry and rebellious (which can be largely avoided by taking baby steps), but will eventually comply because they want the reward.

What you are suggesting is like to keep spoiling the child just because when you stop spoiling the child, the child is gonna throw dramas. I mean I would expect a normal 8 year old to start working for their rewards. So unless the daughter's cognitive ability or emotionally ability is below a 8 year old, this method is logically doable. And if her daughter CAN'T spend 5 more minute talking with family for a new book/game/etc. to start off the program, then OP might want to consider getting psychiatric evaluation for the daughter so that she can at least get serious disability money...

But obviously unless OP has husband completely working with her and supporting each other, don't do this. This is not primarily OP's responsibility and please "put the mask on yourself first before putting it on your children" as it is said in airplane emergency instructions. Your happiness comes first because the healthier and happier you are, the more strength you have to look after others. Good luck!