Help and advice needed

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I had a getting to know you meeting with J's teacher yesterday, she had me tell her all my concerns. I will give her this she did look concerned with some of what I was telling her, however, when I had finished saying my part she informed me that J appears happy at school, he asks for help with school work, he participates in class discussions and he talks with the other kids. She has seen none of what I am saying. What is going on! I told her how we are not allowed to talk about school at home without J getting extremely upset. I have seen his whole demeaner change the minute he walks into the school gate, its almost like watching him step on stage and take on a new persona. I was told by his pshycologist that these kids have to become actors in order to survive, some are really good at it and can go unnoticed. J has even said to me that its hard pretending all day. But is this possible? How do I get him help if he isn't showing the school that he needs it? How is it possible for him to be two different kids? It got me questioning everything. Am I worrying about nothing, maybe he is ok at school although he does tell me that he is sad or that he has been bad because he couldn't finish something or the teacher yelled at him for something silly, these are the first things he says to me when I pick him up from school then thats about it as I said we cant talk about school. Have any of your kids done this?
His teacher did say that he takes awhile to get started on things, but she is ok with this. He likes to talk but this is ok too. I said to her so you have seen nothing? No head scratching? No throat clearing? No constant re adjusting of his pants? She said no, but she did write these things down and admit to having 20 something kids in her class and not knowing what to look for. How do I sort all this out? What do I do from here? From my point of view school isnt easy for J, but how do I get the school to make some accomedations for him if he isnt showing them he needs them, if he appears to be coping just fine and if he is refusing to talk about it. It isnt just me that he has told he is having school problems to. He told my sister how unhappy he was. He told my friend and he told his doctors. He has told each of these people only once and it was completely out of the blue with no prompting. What am I to do?

my son coped for years......somehow, i think you need to talk to a professional who can help you sort things out. someone who could help you explain that while he appears to be coping well in school, he is falling apart at home because of all the stress..... as far as the teacher yelling at him, it is possible that it is simply his perception ....my son went through this. i believed him until his best friend who was in the same class told me that indeed the teacher hadn't been yelling......

makes you question your sanity, that's for sure....reassure yourself that what you are seeing is real, and that his reactions at home are due to him trying to hold it together all day.

No matter how he appears to be at school, I think that what he is telling you is real. A common phenomenon with daycare (which I realize is not your situation) is for the child to be perfect while there, and completely breakdown once home, the concept being that they don't feel safe enough to express their true selves outside of their home. If this is well known when it comes to younger children and daycare, why can't it also be true for your older Aspie child and school?

The goal, as I see it, is for your child to feel happy and secure at school, because that will allow him greater success, make school a more positive experience, and increase his desire to continue in school. That goal is not currently being met, no matter how well he acts in front of the teachers.

And, the teachers do not see everything. Could the real stress be occurring during unsupervised recess?

You are not imagining anything, but it will be more difficult to get the school on board because they are not being presented the same intimate view you are.

If it's a matter of proof, you might need to tape it.

depending on his age, you might want to seek his permission.

Yep, it is possible.

I did it...and the older I got the better I got at acting. I worked for over 10 years at one job working with the public behind a cash register...I pasted a smile on my face every day and no one knew whether I was sad, sick or ready to start screaming except me. I swear if I had been robbed, I probably would have never stopped smiling, bagged up the money, and told them to "please come again and have a nice day"...like running a plane on auto pilot...I didn't melt down until I went home.

Yes .... it's possible and common.

My 9 year old holds it together at school all day. The teachers report he is happy and contributing fully to the classrrom.

He comes home and tells me he was extremely stressed by the noise and felt like his brain was going to explode.

I've told them about the meltdowns, poor self-esteem etc .... don't know that I'm getting through. That's why I'm bringing the psychologist to the IEP meeting.

Lianne Wiley wrote a book called 'Pretending to Be Normal'. That says it all.

Tony Attwood reported that many Aspies become actors because they've been acting all their lives.

Aurua

Being AS, I have to agree with everyone here.

I would spend the whole day at school hushed up about my struggles, mainly afraid of the reaction I would recieve.

I think I was in college when I learned that this is not healthy. I try to hide my feelings from others, or allow others to tell me what to feel, and I could end up hiding my feelings from myself.

I found myself seeking many years of counseling, but eventually realised that this sort of play-acting is unhealthy.

Now I know that other people won't exactly react in a always friendly manner, but I do NOT let anyone make me feel something that I don't, or tell me which frustrations I can or cannot express, so long as it's done in an appropriate manner.

I would encourage you, like someone said, to seek a professional to help you deal with this. However, I also feel that I would encourage the child to just be himself around school, and try his best to talk about his frustrations in an appropriate manner. This should help open the eyes of the school to what he actually goes through there.

This would be a trial and error process, though, since your child will not necessarily know how to express himself appropriately until he has plenty of practice.

And he will have to expect a lot of people to be very confused by him after a while. However, I think this is the nature of the beast, being an Aspie.

Thank you all so much. (((((((((((((TO ALL))))))))))))))
I really was starting to question if it is indeed all in MY head.
I know my friends are saying they are seeing J's differences as are the rest of my family and J's doc's. They have all heard him say how sad he is, and have reported as much to me.

Thank you all again. Yay I am Sane!! !! !!

Boy, I'm reading this, and I have the EXACT OPPOSITE problem with my son. He is so wonderful and sweet and cheerful at home, and then he goes to school, and zones out, doesn't ask for help, doesn't contribute at all to the class, and is very over-emotional. He's cheerful a good amount of the time, and doesn't exactly have meltdowns anymore, but he does have a rough time.

There are times when I actually WISH that he would act like he's doing better than he is. And, by the way, he is taking acting classes.

Kris

my son would pretend to pay attention in class. he would come home and cry is heart out. good side is his teachers still noticed he wasn't focusing and had many problems with written output/organization etc. bad news is even with his IEP (which took us a year to get), he is still struggling.

With his original ADHD/NVLD diagnosis, they just kept telling me i should medicate him. they didn't know too much about NVLD, so they just focused on the ADHD. now that i have the aspergers diagnosis, they are requesting the report from his doctors with this recommendations because they don't know what to do.

it's a frustrating process. i would suggest writing down a list of yours sons strengths/weaknesses as well as any goals you'd like to see him reach. document any behaviors that concern you. i have 5 pages of documentation on my son, i have shown to all his doctors as well as his school. it is true, some behaviors that are present in school, may not be present at home and vice versa. just keep pushing on what you feel is best for your son and don't give up!

AS here.... Some of us that do the acting thing end up calling it our programming. we don't want to be different, or at least seem different to other people, so we have set series of actions that get programmed in. I do this at work too, the *smile* have a wonderful day series.

But the thing i know with me is that it builds, and builds, and then something will go wrong (a glitch lol) and !boom! bomb goes off and I explode (not necessarily violent just lost, then sick). Then it gets blatently obvious to everyone that issues are present. (exam week in college gets like this)

I would suggest still fighting for an IEP or whatever you have where you are. Bring the psych along if necessary. It will help your child cope more with school as he gets older.


and for the child that can't cope as well in class. It helped me to move to the front of the class and to the far side of the row (watching other people move is too much stimulation). I also have to read the teacher's lips in order to comprehend what they are saying, even now in college. and extensive note taking, if i have to write down every word that comes out of the teacher's mouth in order to pay attention, that is what i do. I still find myself zoning but when my hands stop moving it snaps my zone off quicker. so instead of missing 40 minutes of lecture zoned, i'll miss 6 and be able to fill in the holes later.