Am I going about this wrong?

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We're in the process of getting a dx for my 5 1/2 year old son, but I'm 99% sure that it will be Asperger's and ADHD. While we were at the psychologists office Sam started running and jumping at me (we had been there 2 hours, he wasn't being purposefully aggressive, just hyped up and needed to blow off the steam somehow). I told him it wasn't time for running and he was hurting me-he did ignore me and kept running until I got him busy putting something away. The psychologist remarked that Sam doesn't have empathy for people, so telling him he was hurting me didn't register and that I was trying to understand how Sam was feeling and instead I should just give him a consequence.
My reasoning is that Sam doesn't have empathy all the time, so if I don't tell him, how will he ever learn that he is supposed to consider others' feelings? And I do look at why he's doing something. If he's running because he's been cooped up for 2 hours, I am not going to be as harsh as if he is purposefully hitting me. I grew up in a house where my feelings were never considered and I don't want to do that to Sam. But, admittedly, I have no experience with Autism or developmental disorders, so am I doing this wrong? What should I be doing?

Spank him. I was spanked, don't know what's the big deal about it.

You do realise empathy isn't exactly a major skill for a five year old, right?

As he grows and watches, he'll be able to pick up on things and be able to read people easier. Often to a very daunting degree.

All children lack empathy to a degree. Why else do children bounce back so fast from traumatic events? Their brains aren't even fully functional yet.

Physical punishment is an option, but I don't favor it. Perhaps you could use something more in line with his nature? As he gets older, you can no doubt reason with him but at this time, children really only observe have and have not.

*Shrugs*

Regards
GM

I would say you are doing fine. Your head is in the right place, and you have come to a good site for help.

Waiting 2 hours in a waiting room, would drive most aspies bonkers.

Next time, come armed.

bring a handbag with items to keep him occupied.

What are his aspy interests? Legos? Pokemon?
Bring a snack, and a few groups of items that stroke his interests,
and you should be able to keep him from going over the edge.

In fact, with a bit of luck, there may be opportunites for socialization with other kids.

It is also an opportunity to talk to him, to mentally prepare for what ever medical procedure is to come.

Good Luck

Evil.

it's great to want them to empathize......however, if i were you i'd settle for him just stopping when you ask.....

it's all about consequences. it might take a LONG time to get through to him that a specific behavior leads to punishment. i've found it works best if the consequence has something directly to do with the behavior. for instance, i wouldn't make my aspie clean his room as a consequence if the behavior was that he came home late without calling. a more appropriate consequence would be for him to have to either not be able to go out the next day, or have to come home earlier the next day..........

Explaining how you feel when your son being physical with you is crucial, not just for typical children but especially for a child who potentially has aspergers. I am shocked that the psych said that.

Of course, after that, some form of consequence should be in order because he should also know that it's not okay to keep hurting someone. But I think that your instinct to understand his feelings is a great one.

1. You sound like a very good mother! You are absolutely right about helping him to learn "how" to consider what others feel as a consequence of his actions. That is a crucial part of every parents responsibility. Aspergers diagnosis does not mean "a child cannot or will never learn!"

2. The psychologist should have been showering you with apologies not evaluating a 5 yr olds behavior after being forced to wait for 2 hours!! ! Making a patient wait 2 hours is, unless the doctor is in the midst of an emergency, inexcusable. In the event of an emergency a patient is to be notified not left sitting for 2 hours! You are a consumer and this psychologist is a provider. Until you exert your rights to be treated respectfully, this psychologist will continue to get away with this kind of behavior. Why pay someone your heard earned money (or insurance payment) as a reward for bad behavior?!?!

Chronic lateness and making people wait is a classic means of exerting control. A degree in psychology does not mean this person is without a personality disorder themselves. Professions that provide contact with people attract aggressive and antisocial personality disabled people. Be aware of the possibility of being manipulated and/or controlled in the guise of treatment.

Thank you all for your advice. Just to clarify, we weren't waiting for two hours, the appointment took 2 hours. But most of it was spent talking to us, not Sam. We had toys and coloring books, however at the end of two hours Sam was at the end of his rope.

Computerlove- thank you for your advice, but I don't think just spanking him is a viable option. That was the method of punishment in my house and I never learned anything except to be a bit sneakier the next time. I am especially not going to spank him in front of a psychologist who is a mandated reporter, so that if he views spanking as abuse I will also have dcs to deal with.

Gifted-Monster- I know that empathy and thinking through his actions isn't his strong point when he is hyped up. I want him to understand that running at people isn't acceptable. What kind of punishment do you think would get that across? Especially when we are out of the house?

EvilTeach- Thank you for your advice. I had packed a few for him, but maybe I need to pack a few more as well as the snack. He is interested in vehicles- cars, trains etc.

Ster- I see that maybe I do need to concentrate on consequences a bit more, I am just at a loss for how to get him to stop when we are in a doctor's office.

laplantain- Thank you for saying so. That's how I feel as well.

CharityG- I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. We weren't waiting for 2 hours, the appointment was 2 hours long, but I had only planned for an hour. Thank you so much for saying that I sound like a good mother. Right now I don't feel like it very much.

spanking is abuse.

You sound exactly like my daughter who is going through the same thing with a 5 year who is also being evaluated for Aspergers.

Again, it is "UNrealistic" for a psychologist to expect a 5 year who has come for an evaluation to be able to occupy himself for 2 hours while he/she chats with the parents. Frankly, I don't know any 5 year old who would handle that well. Granted your little Sam's hitting you and his empathy issues are real problems, however setting up an appointment such as you experienced is simply not right. At the end of 2 BORING hours there are not enough toys and coloring books to keep any 5 year old from demanding to be released from jail.

I taught adults and their attention span is about 20 minutes meaning I had to change my teaching style every 20 minutes and everyone needs a break after 45 min of being cooped up and being required to pay attention. Sooooooooooooooo put this together with a 5 year old in an artificial environment who is supposed to play quietly and not disturb the adults WITH the fact that this 5 year is a BOY and boys need to run and play and be loud and blow off energy and what do you have? The perfect recipe for disaster!! ! I rest my case.

Give yourself a break. This appointment is probably just one more straw on the camel's (meaning your) back and add to all the frustrations and fear you already are bearing as you go through the process of dealing with Sam's behavior and all the other feelings of a parent trying to come to terms with what is going on with her child. No normal parent is equipped to be able to understand and help a child with special needs UNTIL you receive the help you need to enable the child to be successful. Isn't that what you are looking for? You want to find a way so that you can help Sam become the best little Sam he was created to be.

Parents are faced with professionals who want all of our little Sams in this world to fit into an artificial learning environment where the teachers are forced to teach to a standardized test so the school district looks good and gets lots of money. All the Sams are evaluated, labeled, categorized and treated to a new world of being socialized into the realization that they are weird, instead of discovering their strengths and abilities and coming out knowing they are special and gifted and ready to share their expertise to make this world a better place.

Yes, I am hot under the collar when it comes to this topic! I would like to take the man behind the "No child left behind" idea and show the reality of what it has caused to all of our little children. AND I would like to change the way teachers are taught to teach and view children and the way schools are set up and a hundred other things.

punishment/consequences really depend upon the child.........unfortunately, not everything works for everybody.

what we found worked for our son when he was little was a combination of things.
1. reward charts. he would receive a sticker for each time we caught him behaving good. if he earned enough stickers for the day, he'd earn a small treat. at the end of the week, we'd add up his stickers & if he'd earned enough, he got a bigger prize . .........we made a really BIG production of making the chart & picking out the stickers. he got to choose which stickers would be used, what color paper the chart would be on & he got to decorate the chart. the chart was left in a prominent location where he could see it throughout the day ( not that i shoved it in his face, just that he could see it.).............the reward system worked because he really wanted to earn those darn stickers! in fact, alot of the times he just wanted the stickers-not the prizes!
2. clear & consistent punishment for infractions that occured outside of the home. ...........although he was on a reward chart, he still misbehaved. a reward chart is not foolproof. and sometimes he'd test the limits of it- mostly when we were away from the house......sometimes he just couldn't help his misbehavior..............this is where you really have to know your child and what behaviors they can control & what ones they can't. my son gets overly anxious in large, crowded settings.
we'd tell him that if he didn't stop, he'd be taken out to the car & miss whatever event was occuring. he'd calm down instantly. ....and then when he was calm, we figured it was over & we could continue on at the event. ...then he'd get riled up again. it took us a LONG, LONG, LONG time to realize that he was initially calming down because he WANTED to go to the car to get away from the event!
***important note about consequences***- your child should know what the consequence of misbehavior will be before he/she is in the midst of a meltdown. do NOT think that you can explain things to an aspie when they're in the midst of a meltdown. as my son says, his ears turn off.

You wrote "I have no experience with Autism or developmental disorders, so am I doing this wrong?"

Hi there,
No you're not.
The psychologist shows a disgraceful lack of understanding of young children generally and Sam in particular in saying he lacks empathy in that situation. As previous posters have pointed out, hanging around in a boring, unfamiliar place is very hard for any young child and is likely to result in some kind of unwanted behaviour.

You know your own child best. Take what you can from the professionals in terms of advice and practical help, but if some of it doesn't feel right to you then you don't have to do it. Trust your own instincts and use forums like this to get specific advice from parents who've been there and have developed effective strategies.

Good luck in the journey ahead.

YOU SAID IT! DON'T spank simply to spank, or because you don't like something.

Thank you all for your advice! I am looking for a new doctor. Not just because of this issue. He diagnosed my son with bi-polar and would not listen to me when I told him it did not fit. (i.e. bipolars destroy things because they get mad, Sam takes things apart because he wants to know how they work).
Ster, how did your son act when he became overly anxious?

son's anxiety looks different depends upon the severity .............level 1- pacing & hand-flapping....level 2- pacing faster, hand-flapping, repeating phrases loudly.........level 3- curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth

Madderaka, I'm with you and the majority here: you've got it right, the psychologist was wrong.

When you read around this website, you will see that they all dispute the lack of empathy concept, btw. Aspies feel empathy. It's just different, how they feel it and how they express it. If you can get a psychologist who has figured that out, you'll be a lot of steps ahead.

Good luck to you, there are some wonderful positives about having an Aspie child.