New to Asperger's, looking for advice...

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Just a little background, back early in the summer I started dating a wonderful girl who has a 9 year old son (who I will call Billy) who as Asperger's. Things have been going extremely well between mom and I to the point of discussing marriage sometime down the road.

I am the only boyfriend mom has had that has taken an active interest in Billy. He has never known his dad and mom lives with grandma and grandpa, and grandma rules the roost, and often undermines mom's authority with Billy, who has become a master of playing them against one another. Billy is an only child and he is extremely selfish. I'm not sure how much of this is Asperger's and how much is just being spoiled, living in his current environment.

Anyway, I am the first man in Billy's life who has taken an active interest in him and I want to be, eventually, the absolute best step-dad I can be for him, helping him to be as happy, fulfilled, and well-adjusted of an adult as he can be. This is why I am here, for guidence and advice from those who have walked this road.

Billy really likes me. I did some reseach before we met, talked to his interests, made him laugh, and he mentioned after meeting him that I "would make a good dad" for him. Mom says he has NEVER taken to anyone like he did to me. Now, he and mom are spending weekends at my place. The first few times, Billy had meltdowns over leaving at the end of the weekend.

Some areas I have questions on:
- He loves playing my games on the computer, and often freaks out when he is made to get off of them for breaks or to go to bed at night, and especially when mom takes them away from him as punishment for something he does wrong. He screams, begs, and sometimes gets physical. In your opinion, is this typical Asperger's behavior or just a result of an environment of mom having little authority? Just FYI, in my place, mom's word is law and I back her up entirely. Quite a change for Billy.

- When he is being made to do just about anything he doesn't want to, his big thing is to scream "YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME!! !" and go on about how nobody loves him, and will sometimes bang his head against the wall (not hard enough to really hurt himself). Is this also typical of Asperger's? How should it be handled? I remember if my sister or I did something like this growing up (both NTs), dad would say "Now you have to do it with your head hurting!" Is this appropriate with Billy in your opinion?

- I suffer from major depression (which is well treated) and a bit of OCD. Billy used to have a small pillow that he loved. Refers to it as "him" and not "it". It is now shreds and strings and is one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen (I sometimes have issues with gross things as part of my OCD). It usually smells too. Any attempts to make him get rid of it are met with panic. Is a good compromise making him keep it in his room when he's at my place? I'm trying to get some insight into how he views this shredded eyesore and the best way to get him to separate from it.

- Billy is bullied in school. Would starting to teach him martial arts be a good idea (I had 7 years myself)? Should I wait until a later age or avoid that road all together?

- He sees himself as the center of the world and gets jealous if people show affection to other children (like his baby cousin or my niece). Is this typical of Aspergers? Any ideas on how to handle this? We tried explaining things to him but he will have nothing to do with it and starts in on how no one cares about him.

Anyway, thanks in advance for any advice, opinions, or words of wisdom. Like I said, I want to be the best I can be with him to enable him to be the best he can be.

The attachment to the pillow, and banging his head against the wall in frustration sound like typical childhood Asperger's behaviour, but the other behaviours seem to be more in line with him being accustomed to always getting his way, not directly due to AS. NT children who have been raised under the same conditions often display identical behaviour.

The most important thing is that Billy understands the new rules, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Wait until Billy is in a good mood, and not distracted by other things. Lay out the rules to Billy. Try and use a fun way, and ask him what he thinks of certain rules. If you ask for his opinion, he won't think that you're being a bully. Explain the reasons for the rules, and why the consequence fits the rule. If he understands why he's being punished, then he'll have fewer meltdowns.

Billy's behavior sounds more typical of a kid who is used to having his own way than simply a kid with Asperger's Syndrome.
He obviously knows how to push the right buttons and manipulate the adults in his environment.

The attachment to the pillow is typical of young children's need for comfort. My two small children were attached to blankets...and the blankets became "rags" over the years before they were eventually given up.

Billy needs guidance and discipline, to learn better ways to obtain the attention he needs and in a positive way. If you reward his
negative behavior, it will only continue. Learn to set limits in a meaningful way he can understand and do it tactfully. Also, allow him to suffer the consequences when rules are broken.

Set a time limit when he needs to put away the games and the computer as it gets close to his bedtime...

If he doesn't learn the proper ways of behaving now as a young child, he will grow more disruptive and difficult to handle in the teen years.

Best of luck to you!

He will need firm and loving, and it sounds like you could give it to him.

Do not throw the pillow away. Go with him to a fabric store, let him pick the material to put the pillow in, go home and sew the bag to put the pillow in, sew up the side to fully encase the pillow, and wash in hot water and borax as well at the usual detergent. Dry as hot as allowable and that should take care of the smell.

I'm somewhat new to Asperger's, too, even though I've had it all my life. I'm not sure how differently I would have turned out if it had been a known condition growing up. Better in some ways, worse than others. Anyways, I'll answer your questions best I can.

It's not necessarily an Aspie thing to have behavior like you've described, but it can make things worse. Being smart, logical people, we can be pretty darn resistant to other people's reasoning, since we've already figured out what's best for us on our own. Stressors, like not getting what we want, is also harder to deal with, since we avoid social interactions and don't learn as quickly how to deal with them. All I can suggest is a standard computer limit, a 'house rule' of time allowed, not to be negotiated or bargained. If he learns that tantrums don't help, then he'll be less likely to have them, hopefully.

As for the wall banging thing, I'm not sure if it's exclusive to Asperger's or autism, but it's surely a sign of stress without knowing how to deal with it. I wouldn't suggest allowing him to do it, but you can't allow him to hold himself hostage either by rewarding him for stopping.

Making him keep the pillow in his room is a good compromise for now. It likely acts as a de-stressor for him, something of a security blanket. In time, he'll grow out of it on his own, but certain rules on where and when it's appropriate to have it can help the process along.

I studied martial arts too for a while, and letting Billy study it would definitely not be a bad thing. With one caveat, though. Aside from physical bullying, there's also verbal bullying, where a group of kids verbally harass and tease someone. Not knowing how to fight back in this arena, and being less able to handle stress, an aspie is likely to act out in some way. So if you add hand to hand combat to his repituar, don't be surprised if he decides one day to hit first, despite all the "only for self-defense" lectures.

Being an aspie doesn't make you immune from character flaws. Selfishness is no exception. A parent could address this problem better than I could, most likely, so I'll just say to understand it, but not reward it.

I am putting a few of my thoughts in bold inside the quote of your original post.

dw a mom- ditto

this has helped me so much... my daughter is of similar temper and has run my whole family ragged! We've done much of what was adviced, but it's nice to know there are others struggling with the same sorts of things.

Good luck!

My advice to you would be this (and our situations are almost identical).......do not be afraid to administer a standard punishment. Just because he has aspergers doesn't mean he has a free pass to act a fool. Banging the head against the wall and screaming are unacceptable and should not be tolerated. Throwing bay fits are fot babies, not for a kid his age...apsergers or not. Good luck to ya.

Many thanks to all of the suggestions here. They have been like gold.

The best thing I've found when wanting to get him off of the computer is to tell him he has X number of minutes left. Worked perfectly with zero meltdowns and he would often get off of the computer a minute or two early. Again, thank you all!

so glad things are getting better !

Jimbeaux, I'm glad to hear some of our ramblings have been useful. We do try

One thing I've noticed with AS that understanding what is coming is very important. It's like my son forms scripts in his mind, and as long as things follow the script, he's cool. When you have to alter that script, lots of warning and very precise instructions as far in advance as possible are helpful. I've learned to ask my son questions like, "did you wash your hands just now, within the last 2 minutes?" instead of "did you wash your hands?" The later he feels he can truthfully answer if he's ever washed his hands in his life; AS kids don't like to consider what you "meant;" the "you know what I meant" line is asking for confusion. Once you figure out that transitions are a problem and find ways to give good warnings for them, and once you figure out how to speak literally and clearly, and to understand that AS kids have trouble applying experience A to situation B, things get a lot easier.

Just ask Temple Grandin, a well-known very successful adult on the Autism Spectrum, who had far more severe behaviors and communication challenges as a young child. She credits her mother with teaching her proper behavior and not letting the disability be more disabling than it needs to be.

Alot of this behavior seems spoiled, it's just being expressed in an AS way. I would make the rules very explicit, make a visual representation of how he can earn privileges, and LIMIT his access to the preferred privileges. Token economies work well as they teach children the value of working to earn tokens (which turns into money as an adult) and it's very concrete. They earn the tokens or they don't. Much harder to "blame" the adults, puts the responsibility for earning rewards on the child. I've found this works well with AS kids.