15yr old aspie son and new girlfriend

Post Reply New Topic

Hope someone can help me. My son is currently in the midst of his first teen 'love' relationship. He is struggling with insecurity and frequently seeks out reassurance from his girlfriend that she's either not mad at him or is not about to break up with him. It seems that no matter how much she assures him that she is not mad and does not want to break up, he obsesses over this and will often pace the house mumbling under his breath. I don't know what to do to help him with this because if it continues, his worst fear will come true I'm sure.

True to his nature, he is unable to accurately decipher social cues and frequently misinterprets everything. Any suggestions that can help me help him??

Many thanks
Jackie

Is your son logical? If so you might try:
1) Ask him if the girl has told him she's mad or wants to break up.
2) If not, then what did she say (ie - she's not mad and doesn't want to break up)
3) Ask him if he thinks she's a liar.

This last part is where you may be able to teach him a little. If he doesn't think she's lying, try to explain that she might interpret it that way. Ask him if he'd want to be with someone that repeatedly called him a liar. Whatever his response, explain to him that other people will break up with someone if that person calls them a liar.

Just thinking out loud here, sort of brainstorming, so this is not necessarily good advice --

I wonder if you could do a "worst-case scenario" sort of thing with him?

My reasoning for this is that, currently, it sounds as if the girl-friend isn't intending to break-up with him, but it will happen eventually, unless they eventually get married or something. Break-ups are common, and a natural part of dating. So, rather than obsess over the inevitable, maybe you can help him plan for how it might feel if she did break up with him. It will hurt, for sure. But he will have had the wonderful experience of dating someone who cares for him. Lots of people never get that at all.

The positives of a break-up --

1. Lucky to have had a relationship in the first place
2. Now you have time for your interests
3. You can date other girls
4. You now have experience! You sort of know what to do, and what NOT to do, next time.

Also, if he plans for the "hurt" of the breakup, he can know what he wants to do ahead of time -- i.e., sit alone in his room listening to music or playing video games, talk to a friend, go to a movie to help him forget, etc. Does he have a girl FRIEND that he can discuss things with about the girlfriend? That could be the most beneficial thing for him.

I had a son who really kind of went very crazy with a break-up/unrequited love situation -- he wrote suicidal poetry, posted it online, etc., and that's how I found out how sad he was. He was 14, and was leaning this way (suicidal) anyways. We didn't really know what to do. We just kept a real close eye on him, made sure he had lots of contact with people, etc. He didn't want to talk to a therapist. In hindsight, I wish we had done that, but I'm not sure if it would have helped.

Also, in hindsight, I can see now that some of this stuff was the age and hormones raging.

This son is now very happily married. I never would have believed this outcome back then. It DOES get better.

Your son is a lot like me. I know exactly how he feels (although I have more reason for insecurity). What I've realized very recently is that being so insecure and obsessive is destructive.
He has to learn to trust her, and trust himself. He needs to be calm. Tell him something like that.

I would like to say that yes, that attitude is very destructive. I have been on the other end of that relationship.

It's a trust thing, and he will have to trust her or accept that he is unable to and let her go or he will very likely hurt her badly.

I have to say that I think your son's thoughts are very common for a teen in their first relationship, he's just vocalizing these feelings more and possibly freaking out about them more than a typical teen might. But I do think he's just feeling and displaying a more heightened level of what a typical teen might feel.

I like the idea of asking him if he feels she's lying. I know that type of thing has helped with my stepson (also 15). I think that might help put things into perspective for him. Either he trusts her and it might help calm him, or he doesn't and maybe they should not be dating.

On the other side, I really hope she's very understanding about what he's going through and why it is he's going through this.

While this might not help you in any way, you have helped me. I have been greatly worried about my boy. He has serious issues with manners/social issues (mostly eating and hygiene). Because of these things I really worry about him and girls. His father says the girls are always talking to him and flirting with him, but he doesn't notice. He does go to dances, but I do not know what happens there (Oh, to be a fly on the wall). I worry about his interaction with girls and hoping something will happen in that area - but then again I have issues with him even calling a male friend to hang out, as in he won't do it! So hearing that your son is dating has given me great hope for my boy. I know it will happen (I dated/lived with a guy with AS for five years), but it's nice to see it happening with another boy who has the same issues as him.

Thanks!