Anyone else terrified of their Aspie pre-teen's future??

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Hi, I have a 12 and a half year old Aspie whose DX at school is listed as generalized anxiety disorder, with a note that he 'might' have asperger's - our physician, his psychiatrist, and his counselor believe he may have asperger's, as do we. I have known for a long time.

I am finding that I am always - always - worried about what will become of him in life... what can he do in his daily life for work? Will he ever drive?

He currently is getting more attitudal - such as, when we allow him to eat in his room, if you ask him to bring the dishes downstairs to the kitchen, he gets frustrated/mad and won't always act on the task right away. (Or at times will refuse as the leftover food can trigger his gag reflex.) We do try taking away computer time, taking away the internet, time-outs (which he usually won't go to, even though he did as a younger child for 10 min. or so that we ask - then it escalates to where we're threatening grounding, loss of internet, etc. if he doesn't go for a time out.) Anyway, if we try to escort him for a time out, he has lashed out before, and I don't want anything to escalate like that. He has also gotten angry enough to yell out at us, and throw the odd thing here or there, and I finally clued in that his anger seems very directly linked to his emotions, as in, if he's worried, he'll act out in anger. He'd rather feel anger, than the pain and fright of anxiety, I think. His room can't be kept tidy - currently, I bet he has around 30 comics thrown on the floor, around 15 articles of clothing, there will be dishes hidden beside his bed I am sure, and this is just in the past 7-10 days. He has food wrappers thrown on the floor as well, even though he has a waste basket in his room. He seems visually blind at times as to what's literally in front of him, and can't keep organized. His school desk, locker, and backpack are the same. He also can't seem to see people in front of him, etc... at Walmart, his little sister, who is neurotypical, does indeed see and move out of the way of an oncoming cart but he will not do so. He is extremely self-focused (no kidding, hey? I know that can be a typical aspie trait. ) He has found it increasingly hard to attend school, and has missed so much school time. They are passing him to Gr. 7, but I am worried he won't be ready for it since he calls home sick a lot (sick from his anxiety... he has tried relaxation but can't seem to do it on a regular basis, and quite honestly, I feel he's too young to grasp what it's doing. I do try to encourage him to do that.) Self-stimming (he only does this at home) seems to work for him (he waves a bendy wire around, looking at it. He only does this in his room, mostly, and not a lot. He also enjoys swinging on our tire swing.) But can one succeed in life by going home and swinging on a swing?

So... I am always worried because if he can't keep his room even remotely neat, if he can't pick things up that drop on the floor when he drops them, if he can't attend school on a regular basis, how the heck is he going to be mature and responsible enough to find a meaningful job in life? He has no concept of money/bills/banks, etc. I tried explaining to him the other day that for every $10 that we earn, around $7-$8 will go directly to bills. He replied, "Just don't pay the bills, then." I had to explain that his credit would be bad, and that he would be in trouble then, etc.

Argh!! !

I am so worried, and I am so sick of worrying all the time. He's on celexa for his anxiety but if you ask me it's not doing anything for him. He's been on it for a year. I think they don't want him to go off in case his anxiety/panic attacks start up again. I'm on St. John's Wort, of my own doing, to try to ease my own stress, and I don't think it's working too well.

My son is that he is extremely bright in many ways, computer games, modding from mod downloads, he enjoys reading, has a love of music, a lot of variety of music, and he can easily follow movies/shows plots. He's very verbal - his verbal abilities far surpass his written work, which is at a very low level for his age. We were once told he was a perfectionist, and my DH and I looked at each other... our son will work quickly to jot down one or two simple sentences (he doesn't bother with complete sentences, it's usually written as 'Because....' - and the faster his work is done, the better for him. During tests, he may know the material, but won't take time to do the test properly and so may fail at times. He is very very weak at math, too. He also has separation anxiety, from me, and his home, etc.

I wish we could go back to when he was 8 or 9 years old - even though his aspergers was far more obvious, he was better behaved, by far. he would at least go take a time out when asked!

Have any of you had pre-teen Aspies who you feel you almost don't recognize anymore? It's nothing like drugs or alcohol, because he doesn't go out with his friends, they always come over here, and I'm constantly with him. (He has 2 friends, and 1 kid tries to be friends with him but my son doesn't wish to be friends with him so he's pretty distant toward him.) My son interacts inappropriately by chatting all the time (monologue sometimes, especially when he's playing a video game with them; he gives them a whole running dialogue about it) and not listening to his friends, so there are some fights sometimes, as to what's fair or not, and I do have to step in at times. For the most part though, he's happy with being with his best friend, and I think his friend has a pretty good understanding of him. (My son has explained his aspergers to his friend.) My son has also taken a huge growth spurt in the past 6 months or so, he was literally skin and bones before, and now he looks almost heavy - his face is really round now - he is getting far taller now. Maybe this is his body's way of preparing for another growth spurt.

Thanks for any advice you guys can give. I appreciate it, from parents of Aspie kids, or from Aspies who might help me to better understand. I just find that I feel so alone.

*waving* My son is an Aspie, and also ADHD. He sounds a lot like yours. He's 10 and sometimes I do worry about him/his future. I can't imagine him driving, but who knows, maybe he'll vastly mature in 6-8 years. Messy/disorganized? check Attitude? check And yeah, has no clue why we need to pay bills or be responsible. His needs come before everything else. He's sooo blunt. He's on meds too, for anxiety and they do seem to help him a bit. He used to meltdown over the smallest things and that has gotten better. But if he misses a dose, look out. I'm not sure if it's withdrawal or the meds are really helping. We are looking to switch docs. He has also gained a lot of weight. The doc says it's not the med though...I have doubts. And I just started on meds too, for depression. My son is doing well in school though, and they just gave him an aide for next year to help him stay on task and behave appropriately. I think it will be a good thing. He was really having a hard time this year with behavior. They also added in a sensory diet for him whenever he feels he needs a break.

I can't speak from parental age-experience because my kids are 8 and 5 but I can speak as an aspie who was in that situation - and I'm prepared (I think) for my kids.

At 12, he's getting a bit too old for timeout to be effective. He's soon going to be too strong and dangerous to fight with - so stop fighting with him now.

He can't change his ways because at the moment, he is cornered. You'll have to change first.

So....


1. You're going to have to stop condescending and start treating him like an adult, even though he's not yet behaving like one.

2. Timeout must stop.

3. He needs to start helping because he wants to. So if possible, leave him things that he can do to help, and have his sister or other parent suggest to him that "lets do this and mum will be really happy".

There's a lot more you can do but it needs to be positive.

Ideally, It would be good if you could take him out for a coffee, somewhere where his school peers won't see him - and talk to him about change.

Don't put rules onto him, instead, ask him to help you. Tell him about your feelings. If you give enough of your own feelings, he might perhaps tell you about his.

If he sounds accusing, then don't argue and don't fight. Tell him that you're sorry and ask how he thinks that you can all work it out again. Tell him that you value his input.

If you make him feel special, you'll get him to come out of his shell. If you make him feel like he can help you, then maybe he will.

Also, consider the medication and ask him what he wants and how he feels.

BTW: The change from about 13-18 is massive. Bigger than you could possibly imagine - your son will mature with or without your help.

My brother is messy, has dishes in his room, has an attitude, is very manipulative, doesnt listen to mom or dad, has no respect for others, puts things off, sits on his computer all the time, has poor grades, etc........Hes a 17 year old NT.

Just from my personal experience...I think everyone that has a child worries about their future, that's what parents are there for I'm not saying it to be mean or anything, I'm just saying its' a commonplace among good parents

Well, I am not an Aspie but rather an Autie. My autism is considered the most severe type of autism. However, I drive. I also graduated from college as well as served a brief stint in the military. As a child, I too, was a loner. As a young child, I was also non-verbal. Autistic people learn and grow from experience just like neurologically typical people.

I just want to say - thank you, everyone! You're all awesome to step in and help, so quickly! I appreciated the wide variety of responses, and have really taken to heart gbollard's words... I can see the wisdom in them, and already, I have spoken to our son more as an adult, and received a more mature response from him. jenny, I know you understand, and I hope you feel better soon from the depression. cyberscan, thanks for your input, it is so nice to hear such positive things can happen, and - way to go! You've accomplished a lot!! Good stuff!! Ah, Tory, who knows how much of this is normal kid behavior then, hey? Hopefully your brother will mature too, as he grows some more. gbollard, thanks for wording it just right. I see exactly where you're coming from, and your perspective into this was very intuitive, and incredibly perceptive.

Thanks so much, all of you, and I will keep checking for responses to my thread. I appreciate all of the support! And Halia, yes, you're right, a parent worries about any child. I just find myself having more concerns over my Aspie son than my NT daughter, specifically to do with his difficulties in life, but as people have said, he can grow and mature a lot.

We've been in pre-teen turmoil for some time, actually, so perhaps soon we will see more positive changes going on as he grows and matures.

I just finished a book a book by Temple Grandin that addresses a lot of these worries (I have the same ones at times too). I really recommend reading anything by her that you can get your hands on. I love how she stresses developing the autistic persons strengths in order to prepare them for a career that they can be successful at. You mentioned many strengths of your son, by capitalizing on those I'm sure he has a bright future ahead.

I agree with Gbollard re: the time outs. He is too old for them. My sons are 9 (twins) and they really respond best to logic and mutually respectful negotiation. We do take away video game time as well, but only very rarely for serious infractions (violence towards each other, threatening etc.).

And re: the mess and disorganization...hmmm, I am 34 and have yet to figure all that out. Yet I can manage the really important stuff. At 12 I was so overwhelmed by the stress of school that I could hardly see straight. These pre teen and teen years are sooooooooo stressful for an anxious kid! Right now he is probably in survival mode, and doesn't have the mental energy left over to straighten his room as well. Doesn't mean he won't ever be able to do it. He sounds like a great kid and you sound like a really engaged, concerned mom, I bet he is going to do really well in life once he finds his niche (this is what I tell myself about my own 2 as well. )

The pre-teen years are probably the worst for somebody on the spectrum. Survival mode is right.

With regards to alot you are putting forth, it sounds like he has a severe form of NLD. The bad math, the poor written language, anxiety (and anxiety medications not working), lack of organization, and visual issues are all consistant with NLD. Seriously, see a neurologist or neuropsych immediately (a regular psych often will not know whats going on). NLD and AS can look very similar, but the visual issues he is having can be treated somewhat through occupational therapy. It will at least improve some academic aspects and reduce anxiety.

Also with regards to the whole mess thing. Its the big issues which matter, how clean ones place is is not as important as many NT parents think. Also you really do need to figure out how folks on the spectrum think, right now you are falling into some traps classic NT parent ASD child traps. He is not a normal kid, his mind is wired differently, and you need to focus less on the small stuff, and worry about the big stuff.

Also visual tasks for people with NLD are very frustrating. It can be very stressful and take to much energy when tasked to do them. You really have to prioritize, is it the spending extra time and understanding the homework and getting a writing style and math down, or a clean room, both are visual taks...but one has more long term meaning. And I will tell you, the academic stuff is the most important aspect of his life. Do NOT think if he can't clean up his room, how can he manage everyday life. Somebody can manage pretty well with a messy living space as an adult. If one focuses on big goals and not little annoyances, things will run smoother. Any room and focusing on rearanging things is very stressful for somebody with visual issues.

Also teaching finance is important, but you need to figure out a different way to do it. It has to be throughly explained in detail, with answering even the weird questions. Also this kid seems to have NLD, so as much clear verbal information as possible. You might have to answer alot of dumb questions, but it will get through.

Also with regards to punishment systems, they don't work very well with somebody with AS or NLD. You also have to think of the computer as a potential livelyhood and possibly the best means of communication they have, taking it away should be the last thing any parent of a kid with asd should do, if not strictly off limits. It seems like this kind of an abstract concept to alot of parents, but alot of parents don't get the people who transitioned to adulthood frequently did so because of computer skills. Adults with ASDs who get jobs are often in technology, science or research, which means working on a computer constantly.

Gbollard - I was reading your blog last night - wow! It is totally intensive, and extremely informative. Thank you for taking the time to create such a wonderful blog. It absolutely shows insight as to how someone with asperger's is feeling. I loved how you spoke of your emotions, and letting them out. I 'get it' a whole lot better now. Sometimes I have felt our son doesn't have the capacity to feel some emotions but now I see he feels them internally, and that he simply has a harder time expressing them externally. Your words put it into perfect perception for me, and I appreciate that. I could see glimpses of our son caring a lot for others, through asking if his sister would feel better soon from being sick, asking if she was o.k., etc., but at the same time, saw a lot of worrisome things for me that made me think he couldn't deal with emotions, but now I see it is o.k. for him to express them in the time and manner that is right for him. I'm having trouble expressing with words how you have opened my eyes and allowed me to see a better glimpse of my son, but I do thank you for taking all of the time, energy and effort to put forth a blog that is truly fascinating to read.

I am so sorry for your sudden losses in life that you and your wife have had to experience!!

You are a real trooper, to learn so much about Aspergers and to learn how best to cope in this NT world.

I believe Aspergers is a difference, not a disability. I believe we can learn so much from those with Aspergers. I believe Aspergers is a gift of sorts - along with it comes high intellect that a NT will (sadly) not always be able to understand so well. To me, it's like a person with Aspergers knows and 'gets it.' So much to the point though, that it is a deep understanding of life that they possess, and thus can not possibly explain what all it is that they know. In many ways, the NT person is actually mind blind, I think. (I am NT myself, and I believe my DH has shadow traits of Aspergers. He doesn't think he does, but he does believe our son has AS, anyway.)

I generally concur with the posts on this thread, so this might be a bit repetitive. I agree fully with gbollard's approach, although 12 is still a bit young to start treating him exactly like an adult. If your son is anything like I was, conflict and harangues are more than counterproductive. Consequences (not time-outs) might still work if they are administered without anger or lengthy discussion on your part. Of course, if you are unable or unwilling to enforce a consequence, for goodness sake don't threaten it or try to impose it.

I would be concerned about his calling home sick from school. You believe that anxiety is the cause, which may be true, but I wonder if something else is going on that makes him miserable. Is there a teacher he is trying to avoid? Is he calling home to avoid a particular class? Is he being bullied?

It is interesting that many of you NT's see an important correlation between being tidy and success in life. I agree with others that of all the progress your son needs to make over the next years, keeping his room tidy is not that important and not worth major conflict. Offer to clean his room in return for him doing a different household chore that he prefers, offer to clean his room together with him, or just keep his room clean without saying anything. When I was your son's age my mother couldn't get me to pick up a single sock and I turned out just fine.

My wonderful mother worried herself sick about my future. She even used to tell me that she was worried sick. She also used to tell me that she didn't know what was going to become of me. Haha. My dad, on the other hand, never had any doubt that I could and would be successful. He had expectations for me, believed in me and never had a negative thing to say about me. I loved my dad, and probably owe everything I accomplished in life to him.

Please to everything you can build your son's confidence and self-esteem.

Thanks, thekingsraven, for your reply... I can understand where you're coming from. My son and I sit down and do game troubleshooting together and he says he has learned to never give up! (We always - always - work on a task at hand to resolve the pc issue until it works the way it's supposed to. He really enjoys modding games (using downloaded mods) and working with game trainers, etc. He's a big fan of Star Wars games, and likes the different game play using the different mods.