new year 2015- what's so blinkin' HAPPY about it?

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A year as a year - will have better and worse moments, just like every year. The start of it gives me creeps though. Some hard exams are coming this month.

But the Sylvester/New Year party was funny this year so the year started nice. My best friend visited me and we were watching a single anime all night long (we finished 26 episodes in a row of an anime that currently lured me in in the special interest sort of way - although the interest is going to be short lived one, the obsession stage will probably be gone as soon as I watch all 51 episodes). She was trying to change the topic and even made us watch 3 episodes of other animes but we were always returning to the one. And when we were too tired to watch it we were talking about it, discussing the characters and plot. Arguing on some: I like one of the chars and hate the other while she happen to feel totally opposite way so both of us were protecting own favorite and insulting the other favorite one, lol. I had a great time.

I don't know what to do. I still have emotional attachment and ego, but something happened to me last year where I seem to have had a partial ego death or something, or partial detachment from the ego. I am still hating and I can still be offended at times etc. But not nearly as much as in the past. I can sometimes read very offensive things said about me now and just think "huh, interesting". That shift happened shortly after I had begun using cannabis, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it. (I don't use it anymore) They say cannabis can "cause psychosis" so it's possible. Quite clearly most people do not get that effect from cannabis, a permanent change in the mind. I think it matters what mental state you're in and what your reason is for taking the drug. I was in a deep hole and took it seeking spiritual guidance. It also coincided with many other things, such as me saying to myself that I will never go to a psychiatrist again, me deciding that I don't care about my future, a career or anything like that, only about trying to fix myself. Then a drug might perhaps work as a catalyst, a little poke that makes the catapult shoot off, which it might have done anyway. It's also possible that the drug had nothing to do with it. Or that I fell into a state of drug induced delusion. Maybe I've been hypnotized or controlled in some way. Maybe the psychiatrist did something to me or alerted some agents. You could come up with any number of conspiracy theories. I don't really care what happened as I seem to have benefited. Although I sure do doubt whether or not I'm on the right path, all the time.

Also, there's another thing that I have noticed in myself that is interesting regarding ego. Sometimes it seems like I am pushing myself into a form of egoistic behavior and mindset, partly automatically and partly consciously and deliberately. Sometimes it seems like this does actually lead to detachment from emotion and from myself, somewhat paradoxically, and where I can see things that others don't, or at least it seems that way sometimes. I have been accused of this being some form of extreme delusion where the opposite is actually true, that I am extremely blind and I'm just making everything up to suit the wishes of my ego. That's possible, but it doesn't feel that way to me. I created an analogy for this:

copied from another thread:

Well I've seen people say magic mushrooms had the same effect, then there was that neuroscientist whose lobes got split off by a stroke and she experienced "enlightenment"; I had some friends tell me they experienced similar states....but dunno, I began to doubt whether we can really transcend ourselves. I mean, for a while, one can get detached, a bit less egotistical, but it's usually temporary. I'm not sure whether even we are equipped for something like that - I'm sure I'm not. And no matter how much I try to get passed my own self, it's still here, mocking me, taking offence, demanding attention, being self absorbed. But maybe there is where humility should be applied? Since even Buddha meditated after his enlightenment. And all the zen patriarchs.



Yeah - I totally get the "empty holographic projections running a script, robots" part. I can't even make myself to care any more about the most common things they cherish so much, since the whole society seems to be preprogrammed and everyone is given script what to do and say the minute they are born and if you refuse to obey, you'll be assimilated no matter what! They'll kill your soul just so you could be a part of this vain, empty hollow machine some call society. And I said long time ago, no way, no me, you can't make me care.

It will be a bad year for me, full of conflict.

I am waiting for this executive order on immigration to kick in. But I am living with someone who doesnt want me to be independent so Im convinced they will somehow sabotage me.

YEAH!! ! that is the ONE GOOD thing that will happen this year. but I would not object to being surprised with other good things

yeah, tell me about it times goes faster and fstr and fsss----------

soma is some good stuff

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

uh oh. it's starting out less than satisfactorily then.

My NYE wasn't quite this cool, but I enjoyed the video.

"Happy New Year!"

What do you mean? Do you wish me a happy new year, or mean that it is a happy new year whether I want it or not, or that you feel happy this new year, or that is is a new year to be happy in?

^^^
maybe it is all those things.

Or maybe the new year just starts happy because people are drinking the leftover booze?

i'll buy THAT for a dollar

so far, ice cream is leading

I'm already having a Happy New Year as I get ready to dance with hundreds of 20 something year-old folks at one of the top 100 rated dance clubs in the U.S.

I almost completely escaped emotions as a result of a pain disorder and around 19 total disorders as shut-in behind a computer with the screen lights turned all the way down, for over 5 years in a white T-shirt and underwear, like that guy making meth in that TV show Breaking BAD, and it would have been much more fun if I could have used my eyes and ears to watch it, but nah pain too severe to look at colors or listen to sounds.

Words of text is all I was, and empty ones without any emotions to speak of at all.

All I can say is be careful what one wishes for when one wishes to escape ego and emotions as they are vital parts of a healthy human being as science shows in tasks as simple as choosing what color sock to wear.

Truly I did not realize the importance of emotions or ego until I lost it, with no physical ability to get it back.

And what I found is this. Even with being able to still lift 480 LBS with my legs through the whole ordeal with dark sunglasses and ear-plugs in, I felt weaker in spirit than my 94 year-old Aunt, and she had more power to speak than I did.

I also recognized clearly that my cat in my cat's still obvious ability to connect to my wife in oxytocin way was more human than I was, horrifyingly so.

And then, one of my beloved cats died, after 5 years in my state of numb painful hell, and I managed to squeeze out a tear and feel a nuance of love and strength and suddenly my grinch heart grew and I felt powerful once again, lifting that 480 LBS.

Human positive emotions, including pro-social emotions are not an innate human attribute that is static in AFFECT OR effect.

Positive feelings can be increased by positive action in our most innate of all necessary potential of connecting to other folks either virtually but mostly in flesh and blood connections.

And now science shows that use it or lose it does apply.

I will never risk losing my pro-social emotions again, if I can help it, and oxytocin way of connecting to other human beings, as I now understand what it is like to be devoid of them for 5 years, and part of the reason this is my 40th week of rave dancing with hundreds of college age folks at age 54, is science shows now this increases both human pro-social strength of positive emotions and oxytocin connection in the human connection that science suggests IS the number one source of human happiness, overall.

This grinch can now lift 830LBS with his legs in leg press fashion as his heart is now the size of 10 grinches, and truly emotion is what motivates humans in all they do.

It IS SCIENCE 101 now, as science is finally getting the ability to measure the human and grinch heart that used to be smaller than a drop of nothing for me.

This New and GROWING grinch heart is going to dance THE NIGHT AWAY, and make hundreds of folks smile, as 830LB lifting legs can move, baby move with EMOTION FREELY FLOWING LIKE A RIVER TO AN OCEAN OF GOD per Mother Nature TRUE that has gifted some mammals like humans with this potential deLIGHT! :)

But again, been there done the other place and totally understand the LACK OF SENTIMENT, AND BEST wishes to all from one side of that spectrum of feeling to other in 2015, sincerely so, with LOVE, no matter how sweet and sicky that may sound, as yes those words did make me sick before, when My Grinch Heart of no size was my reality, as such.

Yes, I'm fixing to come down from my mountain, and share the toys of my feat of foot with all the college age folks as they smile on. :)