Homosexuality - "coming out the closet"

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Will do. Still, what if my parents find out? They would flip.

I thought that by being "gutsy" it would help ease my guilt, strain or just get it over quicker...

I gave hints to the most accepting of my two parents (my mother) about it. Just little signs such as "I'm planning to buy a book, but I know if you found out about it then you'd flip" etc. Eventually, she guessed and I was almost stammering while trying to explain myself. I felt and now still feel like the Devil Re-incarnated . That strange, bewildered look she gave me was agonising...

Afterwards, she started asking questions like "So... You don't find women attractive? ...But you find men attractive?"... It all feels so awkward and wrong... I've told her that I'm in denial, I'm slightly homophobic about the idea and that my sexuality could always change - but I can't help but feel that I've mentally scarred her for life...

I've told her to refrain from telling my brother or father about anything, but I truly need guidance at the moment.

how is it wrong?

Found out the name for what I consider to have: Internalized Homophobia.

Basically, I consider myself Gay but, because of which, I hate my very guts. I can't tell anyone I know out of fear, I'm in denial that I am gay (despite considering myself such) and hate the very thought of being Gay. In a way, I know I am and I want to be, but in a way, I believe I will be universally hated and consider my own homosexuality more or less a bad thing... If others are homosexual, I wouldn't mind - that's their decision and life, not mine. However, when it affects me, I begin to deny it all and even grow to despise the fact that I am "gay".

Quoted from a source on the subject:

ok first-its not a decision.you are born that way.

are you religious?

why do you think it will crush all her dreams.unless you are religious of course,because gay people can have lives exactly as good as straight people.

you say that you feel like the devil because its not the social norm? well aspergers/autism isnt the social norm, indeed its highly stigmatized.do you feel like the devil because of it?

im still trying to wrap my head around this. im never prejudicial and i dont hate other people or dislike them because of the way they were born (e.g black,gay,crippled etc) so hope you dont get annoyd at my lack of comprehension on this issue.

it sounds like its your fear of what others will think thats affecting you not the actual fact that you're gay.

all parents are shocked when their children tell them,but they should love you unconditionally,and in this issue where there is no fault, no wrong doing i find it odd that they would get upset (especially religious parents,seems hypocritical)

and you can still get married and have biological children of your own thus solving the problem of grandchildren.

you're young anyway, you dont need to come out, theres no rush.

as you get older your peers will mature, the ridicule will dissapate (except from a few close-minded bigots)

you dont have to get involved in the "community" (a lot of gay people dont, you can just go about your life like a straight person. i.e getting a degree, getting a job, falling in love etc.)

and i dont know about the need to tell people, being gay doesnt define me so i dont feel the need to bring it up unless people want to know. it could be that you're panicking about being gay (still dont know why, its a natural thing) so you look to others to reaffirm/unconfirm it (which would be weird and pointless)

and your parents arent going to know that you're gay unless you fit the stereotype (flamboyant ,feminine) but most dont, and it doesnt seem like you do,so of course theyre going to be shocked.

Told my Dad. He was better with it than I thought. Still, all my parents convincing of "This is just a phase" is really quite depressing for me... I've been specifically told to stop researching about this, stop telling anyone and stop having anything to do with it because "I'm too young to know for sure". The thing is, I feel the need to mention this to other people now...

In confusion, I've sent the following e-mail to someone who deals with these kinds of problems at the local "Connexions":

You know what? This is amazing: I can relate so much to the feelings you've described. I've known I was a lesbian since I was 12. I told my parents about getting crushes on girls, but they also told me that it might be a phase, so I agreed and waited. It wasn't long until I was sure about it, but every time I meet a nice guy who looks remotely attractive, I still wonder if I could ever have feelings for him. I remember searching around the internet for any information to help, getting embarrassed at the mere mention of the word "gay". My parents aren't religious, and if I think logically, I know they wouldn't mind, but I still can't tell them. It's not a logical feeling: we've just all been conditioned to think of homosexuality as something "different"; you know, it's easy to be open-minded about others, but it feels like it should just be something other people are. I've managed to tell my brother and some of my friends/classmates, but every time I mention it, I still feel nervous, and for some weird reason, my legs start shaking.

You said your parents don't believe you're old enough, but could you maybe talk to your brother? Might you be able to try and tell your parents how all this is making you feel, or perhaps just your mother? Plenty of the people I've told have had seemingly negative reactions at first, but accepted it when they got used to the idea. Do you see a psychologist or anything? I wonder if it would be good to talk to someone like that about the internalised homophobia.
I also understand the feeling of wanting to tell people. Whenever the subject of homosexuality comes up with someone I'm not "out" to, I just feel this strong urge to tell them; it's like it feels wrong admitting it, but it feels wrong not being able to admit it. *sighs* Aren't we humans just so frustratingly complicated?

If you're not allowed to tell other people, would it help to talk about it with someone who already knows? For me, it's reassuring just to know that there are at least some people who accept me the way I am. Also, sometimes I write about it: poetry, diary entries, that kind of thing. I don't know if you're into that, but it can be very therapeutic just to get your thoughts out.

As for your father, are you sure he'd be angry? I mean, you were worried about telling your brother, but he was okay, right? Sometimes when people are worried, they assume the worst. One of my friends is very religious, and on top of that, I went out with him for a while before I knew I was gay; he struggled with the fact at first, but he gradually accepted it. I'm not trying to pressure you into any hasty decisions (I've been in the closet myself long enough), but if your parents really love you, I would expect that they'd accept it eventually, even if it's hard at first.

Anyway, I don't know how much help this is, and I'm sorry if my thoughts are a bit scattered, but I just want you to know that you're definitely not alone in this, and, of course, I'd be willing to discuss it more if you want.

Edit: I had no idea I created a wall of text at first. I had to edit it and put spaces in between the paragraphs.

GOOD you and pidgeon Can Relate so well

I like what irishaspie said below: