Hurt and Disappointed

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Mathgirl, since you live in Toronto (pop. 3,000,000) there should be some AS meet-up group. You can also try the Asperger's Society of Ontario, and I think their headquarters are in Toronto.

As someone who has Asperger's, you'd be better off as an introvert. Trust me. When you're an extrovert with AS, everyone can see your quirks. If you're an introvert, most people will just assume that you're a very quiet and shy person. But of course, extraversion has its own advantages, too. For example, I always ask questions in class, no matter how stupid they might be. I don't get all anxious when making presentations. But being bad at understanding social cues, I might start talking to random people (just like you did as a child) and get myself into constant social blunders. And of course, people talk behind your back. Then they ignore you. I have a constant need for social interaction, but I can't empathise and don't understand the emotional bond that forms between people as a result of a friendship. Therefore, I'm forced to be alone most of the time. When I make plans with people and they cancel at the last moment, I often have meltdowns. This thirst for social interaction is a rather difficult burden to bear. I often wish I were an introvert.

I will join the Asperger's Society's adult group once I turn 19. I joined a Meetup group, but it dissolved very recently, after having just one meetup. There's another one that we have just made in Toronto, and it's surprisingly the first one. I don't know how often we will have our meetings, but the first one is on Thursday. So, I'm doing my best. Hopefully I'll get more actively involved in the AS/autism community soon, but this takes patience and I have none.

And, believe me or not, this is actually the FIRST AS/autism Meetup group created here in Toronto. I'm guessing the Asperger's Society must have a huge group then.

Dear MathGirl, I've seen something similar to this as, I can recall once witnessing someone whom had a young autistic child at this grocery and can recall how the mother of the child simply said," I wished he was normal and not acting like this." Honestly, I can see how many people feel that anyone within the spectrum could have difficulty though, this should not be seen as some dreaded curse or something like that..I wished my words were better illustrated but, hopefully you'll take with you the notion that being part of the spectrum is something good if you take a deep look into it...

It's just generally best never to comment on anyone's medical status or condition, no matter how harmless or benign. Wait for them to bring it up. If they don't, just don't talk about it.

The easiest example is with apparently pregnant women -- that bump might be fibroid or other tumors, not a blessed event about to happen. Saying something could cause them a lot of pain. Plus, anyone with anything visually apparent going on gets very, very, very tired of people remarking on it -- when my hairstylist was pregnant, I was the only client she had who didn't bring it up. She didn't bring it up either, so we talked about other things while she cut my hair. It was a relief to her not to have to talk about it.

One possibility is if the child was autistic then so might have been the father. Not only would the stress of talking to a random stranger freak him out, it would be doubly worse if he feared he'd get some verbal diarrhoea about autism from some random member of the public. One of those situations where the 'I'm not rude I'm Autistic' badge would be useful.

Actually, oddly, I sometimes wish I was still as I was as a child. I read of so many aspies who are introverted and play alone etc etc. you are one of the first others I have heard of who has this extroversion..maybe mine was simply crushed out of me as I got older and faced the consequences for my social blunders. I only know as a kid, I was always trying to fit in, always barging into random groups of kids, opening my mouth and getting either ignored or bullied terribly for my efforts. I also would have meltdowns if expected plans changed or were cancelled. It was a horrible feeling, this lack of control etc.

These days, I wouldnt dream of approaching people as a rule. My introvertion is such that I glare at anyone that shows the slightest interest in me or looks at me or attempts to speak to me. But I can understand the desire to talk... I have had it, but lately, it has just vanished. Maybe I have just resigned myself to never being able to retain any friends. I always found it very hard to be interested in other peoples interests, and to empathise with their emotions or form any 'normal' emotional connection. I could never understand the rules of friendship. I hope your extroversion remains intact and doesn't get crushed into submission as I fear mine was.

Secrets destroy us all. It sickens me so much that I want to give up on society.

Now I want to get this T-shirt.
http://www.cafepress.ca/+ask_me_about_a ... ,129830575

I can't, either. But that doesn't stop me from talking to people.
There is only one person in my life whom I can consider a "friend", and since he knows a lot about AS he can understand why it's difficult for me to empathize and why I have trouble with social cues. He's the only person out there who is totally open to my problems and is willing to listen if there has been some misunderstanding between us. He never hides his feelings about anything I do, either. Other than that, I'm still a loner despite my being around people a lot.

Hiya MathGirl,
I understand perfectly what you felt in beeing disappointed in beeing "rejected" when wanting to talk about your special interest. *just because of that fear Im affraid to talk about mine*
Anyway, I think your eagerness for wanting to talk about the boy beeing autistic made the dad to back off. He missinterpreted your intentions and probably felt offended by such a straight and forward and clear approach. The next time, try to think in their situation and how it can turn out for them
Imagine if you have started to talk to the boy first. Said, do you have autism? Probably he wouldnt reply, but you could continue (so the dad would hear) "well, I have autism, but a high functioning such, its called Asperger Syndrome", then you could talk to him about what he do or where you are going. If your approach have started like this, then the father probably would had met you diffrently, because your intentions was to get his attention and to get attention by talking to and showing respect to his son might have soften him up, who knows?

Anyway, I think you are amazingly brave, to give of yourself so openly and randomly and tell strangers about your AS. But try not to have so high expectations next time that it will give you the most fruitful conversation of the day if you try this again. Then you would be less hurt next time someone isnt as eager as you talking about this

Hi MathGirl---sorry to hear what happened. I read the first few posts on your thread, and quit when people started saying you had broken etiquette. Whether or not you did doesn't matter now---the incident is over, you feel bad and I can tell you had you walked up to me on that train with my autistic son how would I have reacted. Since I too am autistic, I am sure my take on it would be different than that man's, but...I would have said, "Yes, he has Asperger's/autism." I would not be rude, but I probably would get quiet...just because I wouldn't know you---and with my social awkwardness that is to be expected. But he had no right to be rude whether or not you interferred.

If people here call that wrong of you and that you interferred, then they also need to tell most of the NT people I meet that too because I can hardly sit down or do anything without an NT (assuming they are NT) coming up and trying to talk to me. I go quiet, but I am not rude.

So...MathGirl...don't feel bad. What matters is your intention. You were not rude. You were trying to fit in with a situation you felt you wanted to fit in with. And NTs do the same thing.

I guess I live in a little section of the USA that sees autism a little differently than most places. People here are quite open about autism in their life. Just a little while ago, with a student in my classroom, another employee walked into my room and told an "Aspie" story on her son. She also started talking about how lights and noise were bothering him, and I started talking about how they bothered me too. So, in front of my class, here we are talking about my autism, my son's autism, and her son's autism. We are not ashamed of autism here.

So...Mathgirl...stay happy and just ignore the rudeness.

Dear Mathgirl, I have my social awkwardness and often feel somewhat devoid of friends other than people here at WP though, I do try to make sincere effort and being able to socialise with others just, it's not that easy still, I'm glad your able to find some serenity in a world where being in the spectrum can be difficult but, not impossible..

I wouldn't want some random person coming up to me and wanting to discuss my AS after asking if I am or not or autistic.
I just don't like going through the long list of what symptoms or problems I have. I am sure parents don't like to either about their kids or the ones who have it. I don't even like saying what it is so I keep it short and I tell them to look it up. It's tiring, especially saying how I am effected by it.

I agree. Unless people mention it in a conversation, I try to not bring it up, because not many people know about it. Instead I talk about autism (since it's more widely known) with people, and don't mention my connection to the spectrum unless it's necessary in order for the conversation to continue. I do like promoting autism awareness, especially explaining to neurotypicals why people with autism behave differently in certain situations.

I don't talk about my special interests with everyone. I know a couple of high functioning autistics with whom I've never had a chance to talk about autism yet. However, we have a different way of communicating. We are really childish... it's like I become a completely different person when I'm with them.

But to the NTs in your hypothetical situation, glider18, you are being rude. They interpret your guarded quietness as aloofness or some other thing.

I think the intention is important, but that should not be an excuse to say whatever well-intentioned thing you want. This would completely dismiss the emotional and mental desires of the listener, and signals to the listener that the speaker's top priority is a discussion of the subject in question, rather than the well-being of the listener. You can only talk to people who want to listen. If they don't want to listen, there is no point in talking. All you will do is cause emotional damage. What should have been done is to determine if the prospective listener is in fact willing to listen. The two people discussing AS impersonally are already listening to each other, so it's much easier to gather the required information. A stranger just sitting there silently, you don't know what that person is thinking. It's great that glider18 lives in a very ASD-welcoming area, but most of the world is not so welcoming, so I'd be a lot more careful from now on.

Ok, well I'm dx'd AS, my son classic Autism. Sorry YOUR feelings were hurt, but just because you have an personal interest in something, does not mean other people have to facilitate that. Without being cruel, how did you expect it to go if the father had responded? He may have written you off as nosy, or suspected you were trying to promote chelation or some other snake oil "cure"...or more likely he just wanted to deal with the journey and his child, left alone.

When my son is having a bad day, it's hard enough to get anything done and needs full concentration. I'd be similarly standoffish if not worse. It's already a challenge with the stares, the remarks about "why can't that child behave?", "what is he doing that for?" the tutting etc etc. The only times it is ever vaguely ok to be approached if it is another parent of a child with Autism, saying something like "my child does that too", in a friendly setting. Of course, i then have the anxiety that they will spot i'm on the spectrum....

I can see your side to an extent, a few years ago a guy ran down the street at top speed, with his hands over his ears and screaming. He nearly knocked me over, and I was shaken up. Following on was an older woman, who snarled something like "what are you staring at? He''s got autism, got a problem?". Yes this upset me, but what was I meant to do? Followed them down the street justifying myself and outing my own diagnosis to strangers who just plain don't have the time for it and obviously had stuff going on, but where's the point? They were just trying to deal with their own situation, my particular circumstances were of no relevance to them in that moment, I think it wasn't personal as I'm sure whoever was there would have received that remark.