Thousands of Cringing Memories..

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..seems like that is all I have. For every good memory I have of yesterday a week ago, a year ago, 5 years ago, etc I have 100 negative memories.

My whole life seems like just a whirlwind of bad experiences and cringing memories.

I try to think of "me", the image that I feel deep down inside, and has never been what I have projected to the outside world.

I feel so f*****g pathetic everyday I will remember a memory I have not thought about for a while and I feel like throwing up. There are so many of these I really f*****g wish I HAD NO MEMORY. I have f*****g hate all of these bad awkward vomit-inducing ret*d memories. I have been an idiot on so many incidences when it was unnecessary.

My life feels shot. I wish I could press a reset button and wipe my memory clean. Those experiences were not me. They don't completely add up and me who I am. The negative force of those memories affect me with depression and anxiety and maybe depersonalization.

My whole life just seems unreal. I do not know what Is happening to me. The pieces do not connect and I feel fragmented and displaced.

Who am I? What Is Myself?

I feel Like I need to change for good and never look back, because there is nothing there. I would not care about those reject memories anymore if I could just move forward and create a new life with the real me. Not the "me" thats been projected my whole life.

I know this feeling so well. And it kills me that my son has also talked about it.

The thing that seems to help me most is to try and derail the mental tape recorder I'm playing with good thoughts. A good memory or a positive statement. Prepared in advance so it's right there when I need it. It's not a cure, but it does help.

Its hard for me to think of any good memories.......

...When I think of the polarity I should have in my life. I don't have any of it. I am light-years away from where I want to be. Far away from where I should be. Its a scary feeling.....

It almost feels like a nightmare every day when I think about where I am. A non-violent nightmare.

I wish I could have have had the chance to live anything even remotely resembling a "normal" life. But it wasnt f*****g meant to be. I have f****d up so much. IN EVERY area.

I wish I could just feel comfortable in my skin.

I wish I had a gf or at least have had one some experience with something at least

I wish I just had the chance to go to college and not have thousands of insecurities and bad memories eating away at myself so then that maybe I could focus on studies and grow and decide what I want to do instead of feeling like a depressed 15 year old

I also have some embarrassing negative memories of me screwing up and being stupid and awkward. I like to think that people will forget about me and my stupidity, because they have their own s*** to worry about.

i always remember stuff that happened ages ago and cringe

I can never get over all of the bullying no matter how hard I try my mind will almost search until I find something I can cringe about. When I hear a good joke or if I did something good it is almost aways met with a past cringe moment. In doing so all I do is stay at the same confidence I can never go higher only lower, very depressing. I have no advice for this problem, but wanted to let you know you are not the only one.

P.S. Sometimes the moments feel so real like I'm actually there, so it hurts just as bad as the first time. Over and over, it drives me crazy.

I have this problem too. Plus whenever a new person makes fun of me a bunch of the old experiences come back and the new experience is just amplified. Like if none of the other stuff had happened then a small remark about my hair, per se wouldn't bother me. However I recall a ton of other similar remarks and my attempts to remedy or alter the situation (that didn't work) and even though I want to reply sometimes I'm just completely shell shocked. Someone mentioned PTSD. It really wouldn't surprise me if my anxiety disorder were also classified or in tandem with something like that since I went through high school like it was prison and I was doing hard time.

Yeah I feel like this a lot and it sucks.......I really don't even feel like there is any point to continue, I am obviously but it does feel a bit on the unreal and pointless side. I am not sure what advice to give as I am not even sure what to do about it in my case...I guess I would say professional help might be a good idea like maybe conseling or some type of therapy would help. That sort of thing does not seem to help me but it works for some people.

I know how you feel. I have a lot of bad memories that make me cringe upon recalling them, which I'll never be able to forget.

yeah, I try to think of it like this. Since I know that I have created memories, I can prevent memories from happening. So i try to stay as quiet as possible and don't act out when in social situations. It seems I feel better about myself when I lock myself up in my head. It seems to work.

yeah its so true its not even funny.

i feel this way too. it helps to blame others for your mistakes so you don't get depressed.