Don't want anything out of the world.

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Well I shouldn't say that...if I were away from everything, didn't have cable to see bad commercials or promos for crappy sitcoms or procedural shows...in the country somewhere...with a woman I thought was a 10 in looks (not an actual model, but a woman that attracted me to that extent) and had a non-douche personality...maybe I would be happy...but you can put that in the "never going to happen" department as I'm very picky about looks and even if I found said girl, i doubt her idea of a good life would be living in the country with no marriage, kids ever and minimal social engagements.

I don't have anything that keeps me running. My family cares about me...but that's not what keeps me alive. I would kill myself in a heartbeat if I had the balls and didn't want to deal with the physical pain that would come with suicide along with the chance that there might be an actual "Hell" with fire, sodomy and the like.

I just wish my parents never met.

I feel the same way. Im afraid of the exsitence of a hell, and I would go there if I do kill myself. If I knew that we would just perish after we die, then id be dead a long time ago

Years ago, I had things happen to me at night that felt like I was being watched over...violated all over my body, I mean all over my body, and I couldn't move or say a word and my eyes were open. They call it sleep paralysis...but I worry that that's just a preview of what awaits me when I do finally die.

The late French/Romanian essayist EM Cioran reportedly was told by his mother she would have aborted him had she known how miserable he was going to be in life. Young Cioran's "I'm simply an accident. Why take it all so seriously?" conclusion was the result.

Yet he lived 84 (by his own description) tortured years (the last several with Alzheimer's), his contemplation suicide unrequited if not my diagnosis: it is just an opinion mine but I believe Cioran may have had Asperger's.
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Cioran wrote of suicide - a lot; he was as capable of embracing the concept as well contradicting it. A few examples:

"Shame on the man who goes to his grave escorted by the miserable hopes that have kept him alive.”

And yet...

“Only optimists commit suicide, optimists who no longer succeed at being optimists. The others, having no reason to live, why would they have any to die?”

A few more gems from EM...

"I live only because it is in my power to die whenever I want; without the idea of suicide I would have killed myself long time ago."

"It's not worth the bother of killing yourself because you always kill yourself too late."

"The obsession with suicide is characteristic of the man who can neither live nor die, and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility."

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Personally, I'm not afraid of suicide itself, nor any imagined afterlife some suspect: my only fear would be botching things here & discovering a fate worse than death: another day of consciousness... can't win for losing.

My favorite quote is from an X-Files episode where there's a guy who lives to be well over hundred and can't die. He has this ability to anticipate other people's deaths and takes pictures at the scene of the crime. Scully says to him, "Most people want to live forever." He says "Most people are idiots, which is why I don't."