Self-Harming, Stressed, Depressed and Feeling Trapped.

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I feel so stressed. I was diagnosed with Aspergers in June time and since then, everything's been going wrong.
I was first referred to the mental health place because my mum saw cuts on my arms and I had to tell her I was self harming. I felt hopeless and constantly on the verge of breaking down. I'd even tried to kill myself. Then they gave me some antidepressants (Trazodone) and I felt better. That was a couple of years ago, ending a few months before my diagnosis. I stopped the meds because whenever I took one, despite them having sedative effects, I couldn't sleep at all.
They decided I was "better" and someone mentioned the possibility of autism. An autism specialist diagnosed me with Aspergers.

I struggling to cope with the diagnosis. It feels like I've been told that my anxiety, my sleep problems, my inability to feel a part of things would stick with me forever. I feel like I've been labelled as "defective" or a "freak." I don't mean to say I consider people with ASD freaks, that's just how I feel about myself. U feel like the wall between the rest of the world has been cemented, it's just that now I know the wall just separates me from all the Neurotypicals. When I look at people, I feel like I'm an alien in disguise. It's like there's a part of me that whispers "not one of them."

Every friendship I have feels superficial. We laugh together, talk about hobbies etc., but I don't feel I can tell any of them about how I feel. I feel trapped. I'm worried that I'm slipping into the trap of depression again. It started a month or so before my diagnosis. Logically, we are all going to die and all we will leave behind is memories which will be forgotten eventually. From that, I decided that everything is pointless. After that point, I'd either think about how we might as well just enjoy life if it is pointless or how we're just waiting to die and I don't like the idea of trying to escape from the inevitable. 60+ years of waiting does not sound good to me.

I found myself taking the latter path more often and felt miserable a lot of the time. Add that to how I hate myself for not being better (a better person, a better conversationalist, better in school, better in life.). I look in a mirror and feel sick. I hate my reflection for not showing the person I wish I could be.

This got worse after my diagnosis. It was like I was told that all the traits I hated about myself were stuck with me for life. I don't want to go through life getting special treatment, equally, I need help in a lot of areas. I'm scared that people will get sick of me or accuse me of faking my needs of something. In school, I'm getting mostly As and A*s, but for every A or B I get, I beat myself up inside. I can't shake the feeling of "could do better." The extra work this year has been so stressful. We're expected to do lots of homework, but I can't do homework. Even if I can do the work easily at school, I struggle to comprehend it at home. I'm so behind and I feel like I'm failing. I can't take the pressure and I burst out crying in two of my exams and two of my controlled assessments. Everytime I do this though, it gives me more chance of failing and more stress. I just feel like a rubber band about to snap, a balloon on the verge of bursting. I'm so upset and angry and frustrated. 

It was this feeling that made me self harm again. I just got my sharpener, loosened the blade and made about 20 superficial cuts on my wrist and upper legs. I didn't plan it and I feel so ashamed. But it's now that I acknowledge there's a problem.

I don't know who to tell. I wouldn't trust any of my friends with this.  After my diagnosis of Aspergers, the mental health place discharged me. My sleep was still a big issue (most nights I don't get to sleep until 4 o clock) and I'd exhausted the bug list of sleep hygiene tips. Besides that, the things that I had thought of as not worth mentioning because it was me being awkward suddenly had an explanation. If I had an explanation, maybe they could help me find a solution. I was sick of feeling so anxious, it felt like I was constantly walking down a dark street. You know that feeling where you're panicked, but you don't know the reason and you just want to escape. I went to see my doctor who wrote a letter referring me back to the mental health place. They sent a letter saying phone here and make an appointment. We did and it turned out to be for my mum. She went and they agreed to send someone into my school to talk to me. It was a new program and they said in hindsight, I should've gone. But now they don't know the half of the problems. They just think the issue is sleep. It's been a month since then and there's still nothing. The process has been so slow. I'm so worried about myself. I feel so bad about cutting but I so want to again. I'm scared to tell anyone professional because they'd have to break confidentiality and tell my mum. I don't want to hurt her anymore like I did last year and I'm sick of being the problem child. I don't want to die, I just want out. I wouldn't kill myself, this isn't like last time. I would never do that to my family and I was selfish to even try to kill myself in the past.

I just don't know who to tell or where to go. I just feel trapped. I know I'm going to snap sometime soon. I just want help, but I don't know where to get it.

I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I have felt all of those things myself and it's rough. I know you don't want to hurt your mom, but she just wants what is best for you. It sounds like she's been trying to help you see the professionals you need to see. Even if it's hard and horrible, be honest with her, so you two can find someone to help you. Even with Aspergers, you can have additional anxiety, and there are treatments for that, even if there is no treatment for Aspergers itself.

sing it sister. I've had depression for 5 years, and every time life improves, it gets worse. I cut myself too, and I'm on anti-depressants. Coupled with loneliness and autism, and a busy school year, its practically lethal. Safety in Numbers?