I think I'm a jerk.

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Anybody aware of my posts knows that I'm a very cynical and confrontational guy. Today, I realized how much of a dick I'm being. I got into a misanthropic rant yesterday that was anti-adoption (obviously), misogynistic, and downright nihilistic. I felt REALLY BAD about it afterwards, to the point that I was in tears. I said that, hypothetically, if my future wife and I found out we were infertile, adoption would not be an option. I said that if we adopted a child, I wouldn't consider it or my wife human beings. I would ignore them, or worse, beat the wife. I said at the very least, I'd divorce her immediately and cut off all ties. Maybe sue her. I'd probably be a successful writer by that point, but at the same time, a hypocrite and a deadbeat.

Am I really an a**hole, or do I have unresolved emotional issues with women that need to be worked out?

sounds like you tend to think before you speak. slow down and digest the effects of what you're going to say before you say it. if that fails, don't be afraid to apologize. if you were a jerk, you wouldn't sincerely feel bad afterwards.

Huh. I feel the same way. I'm the most cynical bastard you're likely to ever find, and I feel as though my sarcasm sometimes drives people away. My misanthropy is very obvious, and so is my AS.
On the surface, I am cynical and jaded...but deep down, I just want to be a good person. I wish I could make the world a better place. I wish that all of the bad things in the world would just go away. Nobody ever gets to see this side of me, though. All they see are the misanthropic rants and the generally sarcastic, cynical attitude. I feel terrible afterward whenever anyone has to deal with me when I'm at my worst, because at that point I am directing all of my considerable intellect (That's another thing, I'm arrogant) toward metaphorically cutting them to shreds, emotionally and intellectually beating them down into the ground so that they can never get up again.
Anyway, this post ended up being more of a confessional than anything, and I don't have any advice to add, because I have a similar situation to yours.

Did you say those things about being your hypothetical wife just to prove a point that you don't want to adopt? I guess be more careful when trying to make a point! If you aren't really going to beat your wife, then prove your point with different hypothetical scenarios. If you really do want to beat your future wife, then I'd say you need help.

Were you adopted? I ask because I wonder if that is the reason for your strong feelings on adoption.

In any case, whether you were or not, to me it sounds like adoption is the scenario you use to process your feelings about belonging or not belonging. Obviously most people don't dispute that a genetic bond is a kind of bond no matter what, whereas if you take two strangers off the street that is an example of how people without a genetic bond are not automatically considered to have some kind of tie, even though a birth parent could be as much a stranger to their biological offspring.

I think that for lots of people with Asperger's/other forms of autism, the idea of belonging or not belonging is a central theme in their life (I know it is in mine), because of the lower trust levels and resultant not-being-able-take-fitting-in-for-granted. (I don't think there's an actual lack of empathy, I think what I've seen Joe90 post is true, that people have empathy for people like them, so naturally NTs understand each other well. Aspies have been found to have lower trust hormone levels which I am pretty sure makes a huge difference in the social aspect of things.)

Anyway, I wonder if the idea of a genetic bond is a symbol for ideal of unconditional acceptance and loyalty and love that pretty much everyone wants in one form or another.

In that case it's not that you wouldn't see your hypothetical wife and kid as human, it's more that you would be insecure in the lack of a bond you could point to that, for you, represents loyalty. And you would feel alone despite the people around you. I doubt it actually matters what that bond is, but in your mental schema genetic link represents that kind of bond. (This is a hypothesis obviously.)

Anyway, that was long, huh. It's true that someone hearing you say things like that would probably not understand and tend to take your statements at face value, which could offend. But really I think you mean well and are probably just thinking through issues of love and acceptance that everyone thinks through, and Aspies especially worry about, in a form that appears to be something else.

The best way to improve yourself is to say what you really think, get embarrassed, and therefore stop thinking it. Things are always better out in the open. You probably have issues about adoption and women, and you now realise this because of a stupid rant. The stupid rant was a good thing for you!

Yeah. Right.

Are you sure you don't have emotional issues? Extremely negative thinking implies depression.

I've had depression for a long time.

It's possible to do something and come off as a jerk to someone else but to not be doing it for a jerkish reason.

I have this awful habit of saying stupid stuff when I'm in a certain mindset or mood. It really does make me into a class clown. Then again, it's an Aspie trait, right?

Depression can certainly affect behaviour - I find that when I'm depressed, I have to work harder not to be rude or short-tempered. It feels sometimes as if my brain just doesn't function properly when I'm struggling to cope with depression, and my ability to communicate gets affected too.

This may be a dumb question, but would you say you have anger management issues? It may be that you are channelling your anger towards controversial issues, or towards women, as a way of getting it out of your system.

I think it may be an aspie trait to say inappropriate things or to be somewhat blunt or inconsiderate towards other people's feelings - it's not a deliberate thing, it's more related to lack of understanding of social rules for behaviour etc.

I don't know whether or not you are a misanthropist or not, or whether you have issues with women but I will say this.

In my experience, most people who are misanthropists or most guys who dislike or hate women do so due to isolation.

They learned long ago that they cannot please people (or women) no matter what they do (lose-lose situations, at least from their point of view). Obviously they feel unaccepted due to that fact (isolation from other people). They start to withdraw (isolation from others and they start to isolate themselves). Eventually after repeat experiences over a long period of time, they stop trying altogether.

Then they start actively behaving in an undesirable way - because if they reject someone else before the other person rejects them, they see that as a "win" (at least to your ego), since at least they have control of the situation. At least the other person doesn't have the opportunity to hurt them first.

Eventually that kind of behaviour can manifest itself in rants, outbursts and choosing to isolate themselves, since at least others can't isolate them first. It's usually a protection mechanism, but it's also one that can backfire badly because to some extent, you will crave other peoples acceptance to some point (you can shove it down, but it will come back at some point). It also successfully alienates other people from you - which is in some ways is exactly what they want, but in others it's the opposite (those two polar desires create a lot of confusion).

People like this don't do it because they're a jerk or an a**hole. They do it because they're still hurting in some way. The outbursts, rants and acting like a jerk are just the manifestation of that pain they feel.

I don't know if that's you or not - you might have to do some very deep digging in that head of yours.

If it's not you then no worries.

Believe me, the people who are really jerks don't think about it.

Wow, I don't really know what to say. I'm in a similar situation, I am extremely cynical and jaded, but at the heart of it I realize it's not me talking, but the resentment I harbor towards the universe at large.

Most people here will sugarcoat it and say "Aww, no, you're not an a**hole you just have problems ;*"

Here's how it really works.

Yes, you're an a**hole, indulging your negativity and cynicism to the point where you break your own heart makes you an a**hole not just to others but to yourself, and that's your own fault, your emotional issues don't control you unless you let them.

As a neutral observer this is how your post looks like to me:

"Hello, I'm arrogant, negative and confrontational and I managed to disgust myself and reduce me to tears with my own behavior. Now I feel bad about and I need you guys to reinforce the idea that I'm a nice guy with issues and not a self-righteous a**hole.

P.S. I have unrealistic expectations about life."

What you said, hypothetical or not, is immoral and disgusting, and how you're dealing with it is pathetic in my books, and even though you have problems ( As every human on the planet has, try to remember that. ) that does NOT give you a free pass to acting like a dick. Problems or otherwise, acts like an a**hole, thinks like an a**hole, copes like an a**hole... It must be an a**hole

You can dismiss me as a troll, but the only reason I took the time type this out is because I've been in your shoes, and I know how much it sucks.

I have gone through exactly what you're describing, many times over, and only when I realized "Wow, I really am an a**hole." did I start dealing with it. My negativity and cynicism deserved no sympathy, and neither does yours.

Good luck with fixing your assholity.

Sincerely, a fellow a**hole.

Last edited by Demiurge on 27 Apr 2012, 8:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Good point. They don't care even when they're told they're being a jerk.