I keep hitting my head and face.

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just-me
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05 Aug 2009, 2:13 am

I keep hitting my head and face. I bruised my fore head cause of it. I don't want to tell my therapist cause she will commit me for self harm.

I just get these overwhelming feelings then I hate my self and i want to die so i hit my head.

I try not to but i cant help it.

I don't cut my self but I keep wanting to smash my head through glass and drink rubbing alcohol to kill myself.

Its a compulsion driven by self hate. After a few min's i don't feel like that any more.

I hate myself so much some times. And some times when i think I will have to go through more hard times in my life i just want to die cause I'm tired of having bad things happen to me.



vessel
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05 Aug 2009, 4:33 am

I've been digesting your post for a few hours, I really wish I could help. I can't honestly say that I actually follow through and hit or damage myself, but there are times when I feel violent and willing to do drastic things, so I thought I'd preface my response by respecting your individual problem and not showing that "I'm just like you." You deserve better than that.

But I will say, I have spent a good amount of time learning about the world, albeit through text and academic distancing, that there is so much beauty and wonder in each of our flaws and misshaps as human beings. I would just love to be able to communicate to you that, without even knowing you personally or well in any capacity, that you are a wonder. I just feel that the gutteral response in my saying that is imagining how little that usually makes people like us feel, that I don't personally understand your suffering. I try to imagine life as a more tangeable magic; that even though we can't quantify "life" in the traditional sense, with a sensitive touch we can feel it.

I believe your suffering is a huge component in learning to make your "touch" more sensitive, and through the experience you'll have a firmer, truer grasp on life. Hugs, okay?



just-me
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05 Aug 2009, 5:05 am

I gave myself 2 black eyes! How do i get rid of them?!
Its 6 am and if my parents see this thell commit me!

HELP! i NEED HELP I DONT WANT TO BE FORCED INTO THE HOSPITAL!! !

PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO COVER THIS UP!



just-me
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05 Aug 2009, 5:06 am

i HAVE ICE ON THEM NOW WHAT ELSE CAN I DO!?
PLEASE HELP!



vessel
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05 Aug 2009, 5:35 am

First thing I would do, I would tell the person I trust most, or not-trust least, the situation. Don't be afraid of how others will react, if you need help, you need help! No reason to feel bad about it, no one person is without the need to reach out for what they need! It seems to be escelating, so find something that makes you feel good that isn't destructive.

I know that fear of not wanting to be put into hospital care. You just have to be honest, and if you feel that you're being held without your full knowledge and consent, make sure you have an Autism advocate to guide you through the process of finding out how to help yourself! Hold on, it'll be fine.

You can only reach out to the web for so long, I find, if you need that real help, but are afraid of being held in care against your will, like I said, find an advocate! You won't be "locked up." With your consent, you'll get help on how to avoid self-injury. The payoff is much greater, I assure you. :heart:



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05 Aug 2009, 7:26 am

First of all, if you live in the US, it is very hard to get hospitalized these days. It used to be, 15 years ago, if you went in with scratches on your arm that you made with a knife, you would be admitted. I know because I was. These days, most insurance won't pay for treatment unless your life is threatened by your behavior.

Second of all, you know you need help. As the above poster said, you need to find someone you trust. Call your doctor. You don't have to suffer like this. Even if you DID end up hospitalized, it would protect you from injuring yourself further and you could get intensive help. I don't know if you've been hospitalized before, but while in the hospital, they totally take care of you. It's not bad. I was hospitalized 11 times between the ages of 16-26, but none in the past 14 years. They were mostly good experiences, and mostly short (3-5 days.)


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vessel
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05 Aug 2009, 2:42 pm

That is good advice, whitetiger. I'm glad someone with experience could chime in, I was thinking about this all morning.

I can't overstate this; if you need help, by no means are you less of a person. The joy in having others, especially those who maybe aren't on the spectrum, is that they can help in ways we can't imagine. Hang in there. 8)



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 9:15 am

whitetiger wrote:
Second of all, you know you need help. As the above poster said, you need to find someone you trust. Call your doctor. You don't have to suffer like this. Even if you DID end up hospitalized, it would protect you from injuring yourself further and you could get intensive help. I don't know if you've been hospitalized before, but while in the hospital, they totally take care of you. It's not bad. I was hospitalized 11 times between the ages of 16-26, but none in the past 14 years. They were mostly good experiences, and mostly short (3-5 days.)


I wont tell any one in fear of ending up in the hospital. I have self admitted myself before and been to a total of 4 hospitals.

3 of them were in Massachusetts and they were nice but the 4th was in Florida it was horrible! The psyk ward doctor gave me some pills to take after i got out and we tried to fill them at our pharmacy. they said they couldn't give me them . I asked why and they said "because if you take this combination you will have a stroke".

And when I was in there the staff yelled at me to grow up and stop crying. I was having delusions about something attacking me in the dark so they turned of the lights just to wind me up.

The only people who helped me there were the patients. I had just turned 18 when I went there and they all became my adoptive parents during my stay.

The staff kept yelling at me every time i cried and it made me worse but the patients were nice to me.

That is the best hospital in my area. In the other one my old friend got raped. Needless to say the care is not good in Florida.

I do not think a hospital stay will help me. Or i would check in myself.



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 9:18 am

The only person who noticed my black eye is my sister. She thought it was mascara that had smeared on my face. I told her i had a melt down and when I was flailing i accidentally hit my face.

She believed me.

I'm glad no one thinks i hit myself on purpose.
I'm gonna try to stop hurting myself.

what sort of things can you do to prevent self harm?


thank you whitetiger and vessel for caring.



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 11:27 am

My mom just accused me of self harm . She said i did it on purpose and it was self mutilation.

I denied it.



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 11:44 am

I'm so sad :cry: .



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 9:38 pm

I'm so sad because I cant work and because I cant work I have to be on dissablity . Because I'm on dissablity I cant get married to my boyfriend.

I cant make friends I feel alone and I don't know why I cant do anything. I try but then I get so angry at myself for failing. I keep hurting myself. I don't know why but I hate myself so much and its gotten really bad suddenly.

I always had hope for the future and thats what kept me going thats what kept me from wanting to die but I do not have that now.

All I wanted out of life was to live with my boyfriend and get married and I can even do that what's the point then!

I get so overwhelmed by everything!! !

Why can I do anything!! !! I'm trying so hard!!

I see so many of you do it. you go to collage have friends. I cant even most sounds without freaking out..


Why am i here ?



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 9:41 pm

why am i here if I'm useless?



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06 Aug 2009, 10:01 pm

just-me wrote:
Because I'm on dissablity I cant get married to my boyfriend.


What's the reasoning for that?


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gbollard
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06 Aug 2009, 10:58 pm

just-me wrote:
why am i here if I'm useless?



You're not useless. You haven't found your niche yet but eventually you will.

You do need to get some help but it sounds to me like your family isn't open to it. Could you and your boyfriend go and see a volunteer agency? Don't give them your name or address but just talk about the problem.

Your age is listed as 122 (which I suspect may be slightly inaccurate) but I guess the deal is that if you're 16+ you can probably talk to someone without having to have your parents involved. If you're 18+ you can do more or less what you like.

It's difficult to associate the sweet sound of your singing with self hate. You have no reason to hate yourself.

I wish you could truly see yourself for who you are... but perhaps a professional can help there.

In any case, here are two articles which talk about covering up a black eye. Just make sure that it's not cut and that the swelling has gone down before you start doing them.

http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/blackeyesbruis_sefj.htm

http://www.ehow.com/how_2091286_cover-up-black-eye.html

Take care.



just-me
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06 Aug 2009, 11:06 pm

Xelebes wrote:
just-me wrote:
Because I'm on dissablity I cant get married to my boyfriend.


What's the reasoning for that?


The type of dissablity I'm on is adult child dissablity. Basically i haven't worked enough in my life to get money from dissablity off of my own record. So they give it to me through my moms. So if I get married I lose it.

I think its silly but thats just my thought.