Why am I not strong enough to kill myself?

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I am in pain, I feel terrible.
So why is it I do not kill myself?

I am experiencing a situation where the person I am with, cannot understand me.
It does not matter what I say, he does not understand me.
If I hurt myself, because I feel unable to tell him what is bothering me, his is now calling me selfish for not thinking of him when I do it.
But when I try and tell him, if it is anything at all he has done, his reaction is negative and irritable.

What am I supposed to do?
How do I ignore the negative thoughts in my head, and ignore any desire to get them out and solve them with someone else?

I feel really bad right now.
I had thought I had found someone I could be with for life, but instead, I found someone who calls me a selfish b***h, stands there, seeing me in tears, and simply asks if he can still come round the next evening.
How can anyone be so callous?

Now I am left with my head all confused, and I just want to shut off. I don't want to be here anymore,
I am tired of people calling me selfish and not being willing to understand, when I listen to their s**t without judging.

Why am i selfish for beng hurt by some words, and for not being able to deal with that silently and invisibly?

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

You're strong enough to have made it all these years with everything that's happened to you. You're strong. You've had to be.

*hugs*

another double post

oh i'm so sorry.

any interractions with menfolk i have usually end up a similar way too because i'm apparently completely imcomprehendable. and then i get so overwhelmed emotionally that my mind shuts down and i can't think clearly how to deal with it. which leaves them thinking i'm just being cold and emotionless, when it's actually pretty much the opposite.

take a break for yourself

You're strong enough to NOT kill yourself.

I agree your situation sounds painful and I sympathize.

Does your "person" have AS?

I have beei thinking that many autistic traits are attributable to low natural levels of the trust hormone.

Maybe it works both ways then.

I know I myself have (exceedingly irrationally) gotten angry and defensive when I thought I was being attacked, while the other person saw it as just trying to work things out and communicate better.

On antidepressants I am much more social and trusting.

I know it's not viable to get someone else on antidepressants without it being their decision but I honestly think the defensiveness is a gut reaction caused by lack of the trust hormone.

You've done nothing wrong, you just are trying to reconcile differences and that is taken as an attack by this man of yours.

I am sorry but please don't kill yourself over this. I went from being a wary paranoid defensive little snot, at least to family members, when I felt accused of something, to being trusting on medicine, so change IS possible. Well most of the time I'm not a little snot but sometimes like now when I am not taking enough medicine I am suspicious and jealous and paranoid. Which only goes to emphasize my point!

I just tried it and got caught. Now I can't be alone and have to see stupid doctors and the mental hospitals will not take me cause of my AS
I took 8 bottles of pills and work up a week later in the ICU
my mom loves me I just hate being the way I am I want a normal life I want to be normal my brother is a jerk he hates me and makes me want to die sometimes. he has as also but he is a jerk and I am always emotional. he has NONE

he isn't for you, he never will be.

you need someone who adds to you, not subtracts.

screw him (not literally).

U don`t need someone like that! It`s not worth it! But killing yourself is NOT worth it!

Why do you stay with someone who makes you feel this way?

Would being alone be worse than being with someone but feeling suicidal?

I've been in a similar situation to you, I think. Some relationships are just too damaging to stay in, even (especially) if you've pinned your hopes and dreams on them. You deserve happiness, not to feel this way.

This can be very dangerous though. You could end up giving people your trust that do not deserve it and give off signs that confirm that they do not deserve it, yet you ignore those warning signs anyway.

Thankyou to all you who responded, I so appreciate it and feel a bit silly now for getting to such an extreme.

I don't really have a problem being alone, but I do find it difficult to take action and close all doors once invested in something, especially if when things are good, they are very positive.

I do not even know who is to blame in this instance, if it is me for getting upset over words, or him for not being willing to discuss it without judging me for getting upset over what to him are minor things.

The scenario that made me feel bad is that we had had a day out, and had watched a documentary about some man who killed his wife over her having an affair.
He said 'If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't do that to her'.

After 5 months together, and after becoming quite intimate, I instantly felt bad, and started analysing, and wondering just what I was if I was not his girlfriend, since he had implied he did not consider himself to have a girlfriend. I turned it over in my head, feeling very negative and wondering if I was just some sort of stop gap for him until he found someone else. Logically, I suppose, had I been thinking logically, it would have seemed absurd since he has been alone many, many years.

I attempted to tell him, maybe not in the best way as I also asked him if I was just a whore to him or something.
I just wanted him to explain what he had meant, to resolve the issue.
As seems to always happen when I try and communicate with him about something he has said that has made me feel bad, he became irritated and ranted, and said he had just been talking about a documentary, and couldnt believe I got upset over a documentary (even though it was clearly over what he had said afterwards).

He could not see that saying what he said, implied he did not consider me to be his girlfriend. And that bothered me, given the intimacy.
It ended with him calling me a selfish b***h and saying he had taken me out for the day, and how I only ever focus everything back to myself.

I do not know if I am in the wrong, if he is in the wrong, if we are both in the wrong.

Am I just an idiot for allowing that one thing he said to bother me and for having wanted to express it and resolve it got to a point where I melted down and hurt myself ?

From this line on, I am likely overanalyzing, and I apologize if I cause you any distress.

No, it's got nothing whatsoever to do with you, you're just dating a narcissist. His negativity is rubbing off on you and causing you to become unhappy. It's what they do. Sap the life and positivity out of you until there's nothing left to boost their own self-image, often unbeknownst to their partner. I don't think he cares about anything other than his own happiness. The reason he doesn't wish to talk to you is because it implies that there is potentially something wrong with him and what he's doing which tarnishes his self-image. His coping mechanism is blaming you, which deflects the issue away from himself and onto you. Because you love him, you're starting to believe him and it's making you dislike yourself.

I don't think it would benefit you to stay with this person, as it may drive you to actually commiting suicide.

Good luck at whatever you choose to do, and I guarentee you, it is not you who is at fault here.

Thankyou for replying, you have not caused me distress.
I never considered he could be a narcisist, because he does have autism, well aspergers, and I had assumed that his responses to my emotions and to my attempts to explain to him when he upsets me, were because of Aspergers and having never had any assistance in dealing with it, since he was born at a time when such things were not available, let alone a diagnosis probably (1958 he was born).

It does strike me as unusual, even for an aspie, that he would not even be able to pause and listen and acknowledge that someone else might see something that he sees as trivial, as important, but I just put it down to his being pretty severe aspergers.

I have not read anything about narcissism, and it doesn't seem to fit with the fact, he often jokingly says he is a toilet seat on the toilet, and other such self derogatory statements.

It is a horrible shame as when things are good, they are very good and we can be very close, but I could not foresee a long term success in a situation where I was forced to keep my emotions to myself when something he said or did bothered me.
And I feel that calling someone a 'selfish b***h' is a horrible thing to do, especially when they are stood there in tears in front of you.
Even my crying was put down and cast aside as ridiculous.

As it is, I think my only solution is to reduce things back to a totally non physical, non emotional friendship, where we simply share dinner and watch a movie, with nothing more.
It is either that, or to stop answering the door to him, which would involve the issue of him taking his videos out of my place, and me getting the books back I have left in his place, and I find it incredibly difficult to give up on something that is good 70% of the time, but appalling 30% of the time, which is the case at the moment.

I've been in this predicament before, too. I thought about how I would do it, but hanging myself and cutting my wrist just didn't feel right to me. I couldn't get a gun, so I day I decided to go outside during the winter months and attempt to freeze myself to death. Approximately 75-80 minutes later, I came back inside, wondering what I was thinking. I was still pondering suicide for quite some time afterwards, but not as of now. Glad to see you didn't go through with it, and you shouldn't give your person of interest the satisfaction of you taking your own life...

Looks like I'm late, but, had to say something about this.....

I know you feel OP. Wish I had the strength to kill myself.....

Thankyou for replying. I have never tried to freeze myself to death, or made any serious attempts on my life, but sometimes I do ask what is stopping me as life can seem so bleak at times.
I am not one of those aspies who desires a lifetime alone, unfortunately, but attempting to change this, seems to lead only to abject misery. I do not know if it would be easier with an NT as I have never been with an NT or been able to relate to them thus far.

It is easy to assume that surely things would be wonderful with someone else on the spectrum as surely if you have the same sort of neurological makeup, it would be easy to understand one another, but it doesn't work that way, not for me anyway because the focus of my intense attention seems to be in a different area and I seem to, well, feel more than the males I have been with and have that boring female wish to talk when something is playing on my mind and bothering me, to find a solution.

What can you do when the male is totally unable to understand and unwilling to listen to why you are upset, without going into some sort of defensive mode, and placing all blame with you for taking his words so seriously ?