I started cutting again

Post Reply New Topic

I used to cry so much
It was my only way of expressing myself
I can't cry now
So I turned to my only other way which is cutting
It's night time and I'm the only one awake
I cut my arm again and again
Perfect parallel lines equally spaced
That's the only kind of order I have in my life right now
Red blood and lines, just like my shirt, my second favourite colour
The pain and heat on my arm is comforting
I've been clean for so long, it feels strange to soil my hands again
I didn't want to but I did

Why can you no longer cry?

I can't as in I'm unable to
I've tried holding back tears so many times now I can't cry even if I wanted to
I only ever cry in my sleep now and wake up with tears on my face

Crying is good.

You feeling guilty for cutting?

It is but I've lost it now
I did feel guilty but less the more I cut
I don't anymore, I feel relieved that I did
Also getting a headache thinking about how I'm going to explain wearing sweaters in the heat or how I'll explain if my parents see my fresh scars

Maybe a visit to ebay for some long sleeve tee shirts.

Why did you train yourself to stop crying?

I hate long sleeved t shirts
I prefer wearing a tank and hoodie

There are a couple of reasons:
1) I was in boarding school. I don't want all the trouble that follows when people see or hear my cry. Also hard to explain why I have swollen eyes the next day in class.
2) When I cry 90% of the time I get a panic attack. Also sinus problems mean I'll have a blocked nose for the following week
3) My brother throws tantrums everyday, so if I pretend to be happy my parents will have one less child to worry about and one more adult to help out

My mum used to threaten me with boarding school when I was really little. It scared me.

Why you cutting tonight?

Boarding school was hell

Lots of things made me feel upset lately
Especially being at home with my broken family

I first got away from my broken family at 17. Never got proper away though - I still feel if I were only good enough they might accept me...

You take on lots of responsibilities for others. How goes it with your ex?

I can't, I'm stuck here till next September
I planned lots of travelling and work though
So I don't have to be home that much

I made it clear to my ex that if he abused me again I won't talk to him again

Yea, for material science.
Hoping to go to the same uni as my friend
But even if I can't I'll be only 40 minutes away

He made me really angry so I wasn't planning on speaking to him again
Then after a couple of days he talked to me again
So I warned him

You going to be far enough from your family?

Yea. Brother will be in London and my parents will be on the other side of the planet

Where will you be?

How's it going with the anorexia?