Still feeling suicidal

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Is it worth killing myself over someone? I feel like I am worthless as a person right now. I am having frequent suicidal thoughts, and if I am in a bad mood, I can get impulses, especially when driving I can really feel them sitting underneath my control.

Am I a toxic, worthless person or am I worth something? I don't like living just for myself so don't even try that path. There are people that care for me, but what am I really to them except a load? I have been suicidal for a while now, and I have not completely ruined my chances through my immaturity yet. I wonder what really is wrong with me. I don't answer when asked what my goals are. I am immature. I push people away. I haven't made much progress for the amount of time I have put in.

I want to say no, this isn't worth it. I want to turn myself into a monster just to make myself feel like I belong as something. I want to go away. I am a failure.

There's no way that a post like this should go unresponded to. I can't help you personally, or even give you advice...but, please try to talk to someone nearby. You say there are people who care about you..talk to them and tell them that you need help. Maybe there is a social service agency or other professional who can help you sort out your feelings, your fears and everything.
Life can be really really really hard and difficult = especially when things do not seem to be working out. But it is worth living. even the hard parts..they don't last forever...but being dead does. You WILL have good experiences in the future if only you stay and work for them...I know = I have felt like you are talking about in the past.
Do not hurt yourself or any one else either...it will only make things more painful. It will not solve the core issues.

Get help...now

I wish you could feel how much I, and others, care about you. Please get help. Feel free to pm me anytime.

The old expression is 'when it rains it pours.' Often, one change in your life can turn around your entire outlook, so perhaps one good break could snap you out of this rut you seem to be in. I advise you to seek help, whether from a friend, a family member or a professional. Someone will give you the time, I promise. Don't give up.

For now, I am trying to see if switching to non-decaffeinated coffee has a positive effect. Good as anything to try. I am wary because it is not the best combination with ADHD meds, as in, usually a really bad idea. But I am feeling more perky and actually a bit calmer and less random. A lot of my problems has been impulsivity right now, so that is good. Less reliant on little positive things to get through the day, like constantly craving food or spending money too often. I can see how I feel tonight.

I have those thoughts pretty much everyday. Try not to get lost in them. Tell yourself stop when you notice your inner dialogue is going in that direction. Keep doing it. Train your brain not to buy into those thoughts. Well, that is what I do. It might work for you too. Of course there are other things you can do. Hope you don't act on these thoughts. Please, find a local suicide hotline, put the number in your phone, and make commitment to call them if your thoughts turn into a plan and a real commitment to carry out that plan.

I have lost most faith in other people. Just my ability to connect seems rather weak. I have trouble even saying anything.

Just feeling really, really, down, is there really any escape from myself? Is this all I am, all I will ever be?

I need to find things to focus on, in a way that is productive. I have been having some success actually. I just have been so out of it, tired I would say. It's hard. It is always small steps forward and gargantuan leaps back. I need to pull away from my past, as hard as that is. I see so many reflections in the present it's hard to see a future outside of it, but that future was lost.

I want children. I want to be happy. I enjoy contributing to someone. Giving them someone to talk to, about everything, the world, science, mathematics. Giving them help with their goals. I need to keep my goals in mind though. I want to further things in what ways I can. I have goals, I just keep losing them in a petty obsession. I need to focus on myself, not others. I can fix myself but I can't fix the world around me yet. It is easy to lose myself. I need to take responsibility for myself, and I wish everyone can understand what I am going through, and how they can help best.

I only write on WrongPlanet it seems, I don't have a will to write just for myself. Do I even have an ego? I am clinging though, it is hard to let go. I do not even believe she has let go of me yet, surprisingly. How do I deal with that? She always seems to protect herself from saying anything about it. There is always some way of looking at things that keeps me enticed. I do not want to let go. I do not. Where do I start then? It starts with healthy communication, but that means I stop talking, stop coping. I am so wrapped up in one person, I barely know who I am anymore. I feel like I am trying to rebuild myself from nothing against everything. I guess that means I can be anything I want, but want feels superficial. No one said this was going to be easy, or it would feel right, or I would have any idea where to start.

I have lost sight of myself. I need to find myself again. It does not mean others can not help. I just wish I could not let my worries overtake me. I want help with that, as much as I can ask for. I need to not occupy myself with that which I cannot control. I might not deserve an answer, so I need to stop myself from looking for one. I have an internal view of things, it likes being heard, but it feels abused. I keep talking and she just looks to help herself and not return any favor. This is not friendship. We need to guide each other. Especially in our darkest times. That is when friendship is truly put to the test.