I am expected to write letters of forgiveness.

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While I want the liberation that I will obtain by going through this process, I also feel that I do not have the right to forgive the people who have harmed me, as they are actively harming other people around them to this very day.

I feel like I just cannot let them off the hook.

Yet my sponsor wants first drafts of these letters in her email box by tonight.

Should I write something that I know she wants to hear to appease her, or should I be honest and explain to her that this is overwhelming me at the present moment?

I feel such strong hatred towards so many people, however, and I know that hatred is all-consuming and will only lead me back to the bottle if I continue to sit with it.

tell them all to go f**k themselves or better yet just s**t in their mailboxes and then tell them to f**k themselves
i know how you feel bro, im sorta in the same boat and it sucks

I don't think anyone should try to make you forgive. Maybe can you change sponsors? Or talk to her and tell her it isn't true for you now?

That said, forgiveness isn't about the person who harmed you, it's about understanding that they were in some world where they did things but that isn't going to be your world today. It's about leaving them behind to appreciate who you are and what you have. So the fact that someone did something awful and hurt me or others is out there, not inside me. You aren't excusing, you aren't accepting the problem as ok, you're just accepting the reality of what happened and not allowing what was done to continue to define you more than you define yourself.

I guess for me it's more about forgiving the universe for what hurt, and appreciating what I have, rather than really forgiving the person exactly, but it kind of winds up being about the same thing.

However, you have to be in charge of that process and I don't see how it would help you to have to lie and say you're past what you are not past.

Genuine forgiveness cannot be forced, it is you who has every right to be off the hook, nothing will ever excuse what was done to you, but you can work towards being free of the paralysing pain. At no point do you have to communicate your forgiveness to the other person, it is not for them.

Forgiveness is for your benefit, it is not for the benefit of those who harmed you. The idea being that you choose to not carry the old hurt, that you become free from the influence of the past event, and their power over you ceases to exist.

KL, which step are you working on now? Step 2 maybe? It's very early days for you (unless I am mistaken about this). I was very concerned about this pressure on you, especially at this early recovery stage, to address the huge, complex, painful and conflicted issues around the offending behaviour of abusers. And, so far as I know, there is no obligation in any of the steps - even step 4 - to forgive an abuser. That is your own spiritual choice, and there is no right or wrong answer except your own answer. To pressure someone in the vulnerable stage you are at is just not on IMO.

To me, this is a red flag, in neon lights, this woman seems not the right sponsor for you. (When you have met one sponsor, you have met one sponsor...) Did you approach her with the sponsorship request (which is the usual way) or did she approach you? I am glad you let us know about this.

As a recovering survivor, as an adult human being, as a member of a 12 step group: you always have the right to say 'no' You have the right (and the need) to have that respected, unless it involves issues of personal, interpersonal or group safety (which it doesn't).

It is extremely important that your right to say 'no' is respected; you may have to say it again and again until this sponsor either hears it or tells you that she doesn't want to be your sponsor. Both of these are good outcomes for your safety and well-being. Often the most experienced sponsors are the ones who are already full up with people they are sponsoring, though you can ask older members with lots of group time who they found helpful at your stage. I would have thought that a male sponsor might be better at this stage, it's not standard practice so far as I know to have someone of the opposite sex sponsor a relative newcomer. It may be different in the USA.. however I am really shocked by this and though this woman is in her own mind no doubt acting with good intentions, they seem mistaken to me and too influenced by her own ideas and any sponsor who is a "you should-er" (judgmentally directive) rather than a "you could-er" (respecting your options and choices) possibly needs to go back and rework some earlier steps themselves.

There are sites on the net where 12 step members can discuss issues like this, and other web services that may be helpful - looking at issues to do with each step and so on. I think there are possibly web sponsorship options too.

One thing that we learn in early recovery is to start hearing and listening to the true voice of the inner Self, the one who is in tune with the Serenity prayer (not the false self-destructive addict self, whose voice is false also).
No-one has the right to place your recovery in jeopardy. You have the right to say, "No. This isn't something I am going to do at this stage". Don't apologise - you have nothing to apologise to this woman for. Hang in there KL, embrace your recovery.

I'm concerned that this problem with KL's sponsors being judgemental and ordering their sponsees to do things that the sponsee feels is wrong for them is becoming a pattern in KL's AA group. He had a sponsor before this one that was ordering KL around in a judgemental way like this, and now the new sponsor is doing the same thing. There seems to be a problem with this at group level. One bad sponsor is one thing, but TWO starts to be worrisome. Besides, AA isn't really that effective of a treatment. KL needs a better therapist (I think he already has one, but she doesn't seem to be very good) and needs support that is not holier-than-thou.

I agree with Pezar as well as the other recent posters here. Holier-than-thou support is not really constructive or helpful.

Amity's comments about forgiveness are also spot on!

No, my sponsor is not holier than thou. She is genuinely concerned about how my anger and resentment is eating me alive. She is correct, I do need to forgive, not for them, but for my own well being. This obsessive loop of resentments is not going to lead me anywhere good.

This is the hardest thing anybody has ever asked me to do in my life, but also one of the most necessary. I recognize that. My sponsor would not push me on this if I were not ready and willing to let go of the rage inside of me.

I talked honestly with her, and I now have a less demanding assignment - Imagine living without the influence of my abusers and write about it in a couple of weeks.

The resentment and frustration is only holding me back at this point.

KL, in my experience - which may be very different from yours, from your sponsor's - 12-steppers (people with years of recovery time who work step 12 continually) are firmly of the view that recovery is an inner spiritual process, (which may or may not include religious belief as well) rather than a cognitive one.

As someone who is very interested in recovery processes generally (one of my special interests I suppose) I know that super-survivors like yourself almost always have to do some deep grief work to come out of the loop you speak of; beneath the rage and resentment there is nearly always a deeper layer of sadness and painful loss which, if ignored, is one of the biggest threats to first-year recovery. Please go carefully here; take care of yourself and your recovery first and foremost. (New Paragraph) In neuroscience, it is known that the speed of feelings is much much faster than the speed of thoughts. This too has significance for recovering addicts: deal with the feelings, because (as the tried and true saying goes): what you resist will persist. This explains the grief issue and its relevance better than I: http://pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm

Yeah, I think that what is going on here is that there is a severe disconnect between my intellectual knowledge and my instinctual gut reactions.

The fact remains that my molesters are viciously dishonest people. They deflected themselves from blame by claiming that I was hurting them with my emotional outbursts when I was a child, and my parents gladly took their side. Apparently, in the eyes of most people, the people who were molesting and raping me when I was a child were the victims of my frustration against them. Never mind that my frustration never went further than my stating that I did not want to be around them any longer - they were neurotypical, and I was the f**kup in the family tree.

I was deprived of anything that even closely resembles a functional upbringing. Narcissistic parents, incestuous aunts and uncles, a family tree that chooses to ignore abuse instead of rocking the boat, public school systems that did not want to deal with the fact that any tiny thing would make me break out into tears, bullies that found that very amusing, teachers who let the bullies beat me up in front of them (one teacher even witnessed me getting kicked around so hard that a few teeth and my arm was broken - she told everybody it was accidental because she hated me that much), a stepfather who thought I would stop breaking out into tears if he beat me up enough, a sister who bullied me, a mother who often told me that I was privileged and overly sheltered despite knowing damn well everything that was going on, the nonstop sexual humiliation from my aunt and her husband which included forced bestiality, then having that aunt turn around and tell my mother that I hurt her because I told her she was an abusive b***h, you get the picture.

I feel great shame that I let these people take advantage of me in the ways that they did. I feel great shame that I did not report the sexual abuse to the proper authorities when it was going on - now my abusers are forever protected by the statute of limitations. I feel great shame at the way I always burst out in tears over the tiniest of things - if I did not do that, I would not have been bullied as mercilessly as I was. I feel great shame that I did not know how to handle anything that was happening to me at the time.

I feel great loss, as my innocence was cut short at a very young age. I feel resentment that I was introduced to hardcore pornography and incestuous sexuality by my aunt when I was 10. I feel like a fool of going along with my aunt and the way she always pleaded for me to degrade myself, only to have her burst out into cruel laughter and tell me that I deserve to be treated like s**t because I am such an easy target.

I live with this every waking second.

And people wonder why I drink to excess.

KL, that shame is not your shame, it belongs to your abusers.

The link I gave you before has some really comprehensive material on how victims internalise shame as if it was their own; maybe copy it for future reference - like a rich meal, don't attempt to quickly take it all in - these are very heavy issues. Be kind to yourself. Travel at the pace that enables you maximum calm through these stormy waters. Early recovery during the first months is one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet I think you have inner resources that will stand you in good stead for this challenging passage of your life. Healing is not for cowards, it involves revisiting some of the worst and most painful experiences. I think you have a great deal of courage which stands you in good stead for the coming months. In time, it does get better, and people do recover (they really do - though there will be times ahead when you may find yourself having periods of doubt; that's ok too).

KL, I had tears in my eyes reading your latest post. There's nothing wrong with a boy or man crying: that is a load of BS. These abusers: relatives and "teachers": what a bunch of... well, I can't think of a term right now that does justice to my feelings. There are many who like to prey on the weak to feed their narcissism. Many of these things were swept under the carpet in the old days when the victim was not likely to be believed.

I wish things could have been different. I applaud you for your determination to break free and live life to the fullest as you deserve.

It's a long road to recovery but I have fullest confidence you can do it. You are not alone.