I need to talk to someone who understands

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It's been so long since I've been on here last. Thanks for having me back.

So this post is somewhat about my marriage, but more so about being depressed and heartbroken. I think it's in the right spot. I just need to talk to people who get it.

So, I've been married for about 2 1/2 years. That's not that long, but it's long enough to be miserable. I never thought I'd get married in the first place, and it was a miracle my husband and I found each other honestly. While he is very neurotypical, he is very similar to me. We've had a very hard marriage so far, and yesterday during a huge fight, I got the Aspie blame. I have worked so incredibly hard, and tried probably 50 different things to help our marriage in one way or another, but lo and behold... our problems are because I am an aspie. So he says, and then makes up statistics of marriage failure in neurodiverse people. He said that it is the detriment to our marriage. It just felt like such a hard blow.

So he knows what my brain was like when we got married, and he knows a lot about aspergers, but he has absolutely no understanding and zero compassion when I'm burning out, high strung, or react differently than he would. He instantly blames me, and I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle this any longer!

I feel so miserable, unloved, lonely, depressed, and devalued as a human being. I definitely have a large part to play in why our marriage has struggled (i.e. rigidity, being critical and harsh with my words, bitterness, etc.) but I am not the only one who made mistakes. I would never tell him that his depression (that he treats with meds) is WHY our marriage is falling apart. This whole thing makes me feel so much more lonely, and depressed. I feel like there is literally no one around me who truly gets me. I don't have any friends who are on the spectrum, and I just moved to a new state (huge reason why I'm burning out), so I barely know anyone, no less, aspies. If my husband doesn't get me, refuses to understand my perspective, and quite frankly doesn't care to, should I stay in this marriage? I honestly don't think this will survive, and I've already gotten divorce papers (which I haven't signed). My mind isn't completely made up, but I basically said "until YOU try to fix this marriage, I'm done trying. I've been trying for years and I'm exhausted." During our argument, I instantly listed off like 5 things off the top of my head that I've tried for our marriage (i.e. bought books to help us, set up counseling for us, I've gotten literature for us to have a different type of conversation, using only "I" statements, etc.) but he refused to name anything he's done to help, because he hasn't done one single thing to try and help this marriage survive. He acts like I'm the problem and he has nothing he needs to change so he won't get a divorce. I can't fake a marriage. I can't fake being someone I'm not. I can't just fake everything to make him happy.

Now it is to a point where I don't even want to be in this marriage anymore. I love this man, but all this depression and anger is just not worth it anymore. All I do is get hurt, melt down, get hurt, get angry, get hurt, get bitter, get hurt, and so on..

I truly wish I never got married, and I know that's harsh, but these past few years have been brutal, with not much good to show for it. Has anyone experienced this before? I don't even know what I need.. consoling? Understanding? Empathy? A listening ear? Answers? Maybe I just need to know I'm not the only one out there. I don't even know, maybe I just needed to get it out there because no one in my personal life knows these details. I'm so deeply hurt, depressed, and I don't know if I'm just crazy and it's all in my head. Maybe I'm a terrible person, and I can't see it or something..

Thank you

Welcome back, Yogi.

It sounds like you really need to move on.

Do you have a job where you could save money?

It sucks that he blames everything on you.

Would you move back with your parents should you get a divorce?

I know the house is under your name, and possibly his name, too.

While yes, I could do that, they live in another state, which means I would lose my job that is sustaining the financial situation.

I do understand. Marriage is a tough thing. Do you feel like you were forced to get married before you were ready?

No, not at all.

Does he know that you want to get a divorce?

I hope the idea prods him to change.

Hi Yogi,
I just wanted you to know I feel for you and I feel badly for what you're experiencing. If the house is in your name you will still need to give him half of the value should you divorce, unless of course he's incredibly kind about the division of assets. Be proactive. I would recommend that you get free legal advice (usually the first hour is free) to protect your finances, before you serve him the divorce. Emotionally, it's a different story. There are no easy answers. I've been through a similarly difficult breakup and it still hurts. I just wanted you to know I care.

Hugs.
Is

Edit: Sorry I thought you said the house was in your name, but it's the mortgage. Please be very careful with that and get advice. Don't jump the gun signing for divorce. Get bank advice and legal advice please!! ! I'm sorry I misread!! ! Is the deed to the house in both names?

hi. 8 years of marriage before breakup here. wont retract the event itself here, instead, to the essense of ur post.
1. if u feel miserable, unloved, etc - ur feelings have a high probability of being a signal. we often write it off on "i have depression", "i was in meltdown", "it was an exeption". and then we dont notice how all life starts (or had allways been) consisting of exeptions. i may not tell u what to do with ur marriage, but this is indeed a loud bell.
2. ANY problem in ANY relationship NEVER is ENTIRELY the fault of 1 person. save the moments when somebody is outright abusing, ofc. NO problem in NO relationship can EVER be fixed by ONLY one person. it has to be team work, or it wont work. demanding that u do it urself is not just deplorable, its outright abusive. i have been subjected to this my entire life (not by my husband though), and never knew it was wrong. before i found out. this now, is not a bell, its a siren.
3. however we all are imperfect beings, such as our nature is, nobody can hold u and only u responsible for bad things that happen. u pointed it out urself. please do NOT let this toxic BS settle in ur mind. its hard to say, but possibly, just possibly, ur husband might be (and i could be wrong) a narcissist. which means no possibility of a dialogue or things being corrected. i could be wrong, but what i saw in ur post indicates a high probability of this.

here are a few articles that might help u. please write back with any progress, some ppl here do care.
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recoveri ... tic-abuse/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psycholo ... rojection/
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psycholo ... t-arguing/

That's nuts!

How are you financially responsible for it, while your husband is not? Something doesn't sound kosher here.

The mortgage is entirely in her name, likely because of their credit scores.