In survival mode

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Make sure the people who run the house know how you feel about having a roommate, and why, and your concerns. It's possible they could let you keep your single room or make some other arrangement, such as a smaller room but one you could have all to yourself.

I tend to agree with KK, keep that car if you can, even if it's not "legal" in California.

Stabilizing is good - try not to make any big changes, and meanwhile the things you have in the pipeline get closer to fruition.

Some more stuff has happened this week. When I'm out and about, I often feel like people are looking at me and judging me for stuff I didn't do. Then today, I started having problems with sensory overload. At first, for an hour or so, of being out in public, I seemed to do OK, and was able to focus on my activities. As time went on, however, I started getting more and more irritated by the various little sounds that were going around, people talking, etc. I left and on the train ride home, things were much louder and I had to cover my ears. It kept feeling like someone was getting into my mind, reading it, and trying to judge me for my thoughts ("Get out of my head!" I kept thinking); this happened whenever I thought about something negative or worrisome. I feel a lot better after getting home and going into my room by myself.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday finally. I hope I'm still put together then.

Thank you for checking in, Beneficii. I'm glad you will be seeing your doctor on Monday. Take care.

I just happen to read the Patricia Highsmith chapter in "Asperger Syndrome: A Gift Or a Curse?" by Viktoria Lyons,Dr. Michael Fitzgerald, or what can be read of it on google books. It is basically about her problem swith sexual identity. The authors state that sexual identity problems are common with people on the spectrum (p. 231). So I thought of you.

Still a remakr on your last post.

Tony Attwood, in a text where he tries to explain why Aspergers get sometimes - in his opinion wrongly -diagnosed as schizophrenic, said that the inner voice appears later in life of an Asperger it can be quite disconcerting and react to it in a paranoic way.

It is normal to have some kind of inner dialogue with two voices. Sometimes you get more aware of it. It is how self and external perception gets reconciled, and how one manages to distance himself from one s own perspective.

That said, Aspergers seems to have a much bigger problem with recognizing the inner voice that is representing more the external perception in people as one s own inner voice . One thing is probably that you perceive emotions of others wrongly and far too negatively. Dont exaggerate with that, stronger negative feelings are usually a) ambivalent and b) controlled. Then it could be that you judge yourself and others too harshly (I remember your exaggerated disgust with some trans people), and so you expect others to do the same with you. In the longer run, you will probably attenuate your judgements about other people, because you understand them better and get the nuances better. Best wishes!

I've had my inner voice since at least adolescence and it's since at least adolescence been the case that when I move around the room watching the same thing over and over again (my stereotypy), my inner voice is going very strongly and persistently, bouncing from topic to topic, with multiple participants.

I still don't make eye contact, but haven't had those reactions for a while. I am very much bothered by noise or lots of sounds of other people. Lately, I've had some difficulty watching videos. I would hear them say something, but what they say doesn't pass through my head, and I play it back in my head, but I cannot remember what is said, so I must rewind and listen to it again. Often, the same happens with my thoughts, where unless I recall and examine the thought, I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes my thoughts halt or irrelevant, trivial thoughts pop up. When reading, sometimes the letters on the page get jumbled up making me perceive words that are not there and causing me to investigate the text more closely to rule out those words' existence.

I've become very obsessed at times with the manifestation of consciousness, wondering about the being to whom consciousness manifests, how many there are, what happens to them, how is it that the universe would exist without them, and why this particular being is attached to the person of Beneficii and not someone else (maybe Beneficii is the most aware person?). Sometimes, this is accompanied by the obliteration of my sense of self, causing experience to become free-floating, with no zero point of awareness, and things become bizarre and chaotic (such as the rectangular boundary of the field of vision becoming distorted and contorted) before "I" come back online. In retrospect, this happens only for a short time.