Extermely depressed, +8 month isolation taking toll

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I have a question and I want an honest answer do people avoid me and hate me because I am too much for them or because my feelings are that of an aspie? The point I am getting to I guess is I don't care who comes and goes but can anyone relate to my logic and way of viewing life?

Is the loneliness really that bad?

Have we all disappointed people around us and ourselves?

Are other people this broken and they just barely get by holding on to whatever they can?

Do people hate me for being so broken or do people hate me because they too are broken and it hurts to have it pointed out?

you asked, so here are the opinions- I don't have you. of course, I don't really know you outside of what you post here but by dint of your posts I don't hate you. I will admit that your experience is outside of my experience.

as a younger person until recently, it cut like a knife. it ached. it led me to decades of "passive suicide" hoping I would just drop dead.

I am sure of that, but the wicked thing is that not all of us are even aware that we have disappointed people around us and ourselves, a lot of us are oblivious to such. took me decades to comprehend this.

even back in Thoreau's day, "many men [led] lives of quiet desperation." 'tis the same today, even more so.

nobody likes to be reminded of their own flaws. I found that out recently. I don't hate you. I can't hate you, you're another one of me.

Thats helpful,

Also prayer has helped, I don't think there is time to dwell on such things, I think the time has come to flee into the mountains. We are indeed in a grave state of affairs and mens hearts will fail them. My focus should be the bible first and foremost.

A friend of my mom's is stuck in a really bad situation right now because she made a very bad choice that is hard for her to reverse. She said that reading the Book of Revelation was really helpful, since its main message is that no matter how awful things get, God will triumph in the end. Also, I totally agree with fleeing the cities, in fact I have purchased a rural property for exactly that purpose, to become self-sufficient during and after the collapse.

I look forward to heaven and ruminate on it daily.

Assuming we don't all just die in our sin, I wonder how narrow the path is to heaven if I can fit.

at least one religion [LDS] believes that the path is broad, that everybody outside of a mass murderer will go to some kind of afterlife, at least the telestial realm if not the terrestrial or celestial realms. I think it was joseph smith who was given a glimpse of the telestial realm and exclaimed that he was sorely tempted to stay there.

I hear you,

Its 2:00 AM and I want to say something but I don't know what it is. I was thinking about creating a new thread but I don't know what or how it would be different. I am wondering though if maybe my autism and my experiences have kinda had a head on collision and I wonder if thats why I am so... blunt and crude in communication. Maybe I am a little less sane because of my experiences and when thats mixed with autism then maybe I don't know how to cope and start to break down or how to communicate my pain. It seems like a logical possibility, its 2:00 AM and I have seen some pretty traumatizing stuff. I could spend a week if nor more thinking about all the messed up s**t I have seen and gone through. Maybe most of my inappropriate behaviors were learned from people around me. Thats not to say that I am not responsible for my words or actions but if I am exposed to people stabbing people for piece of bread on the street. You can't exactly go to work and tell people what your saw a few hours prior. Maybe people judge me because I don't know how to keep my experiences to myself.

If thats true then maybe I should cut myself a break, you can't make a system where someone with autism can't make a living and then throw them away in the streets and expect them to walk away from that with any level of sanity. I mean I got no help, none and then I hit the street at 20 years of age with no social skills and no knowledge of how the world worked and was only a few years into to talking to be honest. I don't think I have to paint a picture of what I have been through. I figured everything out the hard way and I felt every mistake I made when I woke up half alive with nothing. Maybe if people walked in my shoes, maybe they wouldn't have faired as well as I have. I disappeared on a road somewhere and I came out on the other side with a home and income, maybe whats in between matters less, the end result is not bad if I can retain my soul.

Maybe I underestimate the effects of PTSD.

Last edited by dcj123 on 02 Sep 2016, 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

you did what you have to do to survive.

Well I am too trusting and I was drugged to oblivion just to make it through each day and I frequently woke up with someone taking advantage of that fact. I remember waking up behind a gas station in a lot of pain with most everything gone and I had to be at work shortly after, had no time to shower. They wrote me up for not being in uniform cause it was stolen and for not showing up for work because it turns out I was unconscious my entire last shift and I feel asleep at the demo stand. That was most sleep I had for next four days or until I drugged myself to the point that I was behind a gas station again.

That is an example, one of thousands. Maybe when you put my life in prospective I am actually a very stable person.

I fought when there was no hope, I walked when there was no reason to walk further. I remember the despair, I remember when I drugged myself at 3:00 AM I didn't care if I woke up but I got up every time I did. It largely didn't effect me when it happen. I dissociated myself from any reality there, mostly with drugs. Now it hurts, if I knew it was going to leave such a mark on my soul, I would have given up. I don't know what I would have done but dare I say if I could be at peace with my past, I may have even lived with my brother.

I traded my soul my independence and I regret the decision.

Anyway I should probably sleep, goodnight

sleep well

Not happening its bout 5:30 in the morning, I am going to try one more time and maybe drug myself. PTSD problems

sleep well, try again.

what helps me sleep is melatonin and a tsp of ground ginger in a cup of warm sweetened water. they say milk works better, but i don't need the calories. if you decide to use this, you should let your doc know, as ginger also tends to be an anticoagulant.