Rants

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I have a mask. I actually have a few. Masks are like shields, keeping the hurt out. No one can touch you if you're someone else. No one can judge you for who you really are. And the best part? No one ever put a limit on all the masks you can have. Have one for your family, have one for you friends, your peers or your elders. But sometimes you forget to take them off. The mask melts into you, lies become truth and you become what you pretend to be.

Doors are fickle. Open doors, new opportunities. Door closes, another opens. Like a maze. You wander through hallways, blind to what is behind each door until you walk through it and it closes tight behind you. You can't just turn back. You have to keep going. But sometimes you can't leave a room. It's safe, it's constant, and you can't just leave it behind you. Why move on? What if the next room is hell? What if you lose that comfort?

I'm locked in a room I don't particularly like, my only escape a window of memories from the past. Soon I will have to leave it, and I fear the worst. I have dreams, but I doubt myself. Can I survive, or am I really going to have to be locked away? I used to be so confident, but I destroyed that. And for what? A few people I ended up leaving. To please my father figures. I destroyed my passion for life. For who? It was certainly not me. The masks I wear will not be removed. Why can I just free myself? I know I can, but I'm too afraid.

I want more than anything in the world to be free. I want to see the mountains again. I want to smell the gysers of Yellowstone. I want my mother to hold me tight and tell me everything is okay. I want to be me again. I never hated the old me, but I sure as hell hate this me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want I want I want. Why can't I just work for it?

I want to be in love again. I just need somebody. Anybody.

Where the hell did I put my key?

I live in a Schizocracy.

everyone is out for themselves. its repulsive.

I hate this insomnia. I feel half-human.

My boyfriend is always ill - so I lack intimacy.

I am lonely.

I feel so unloved. It's probably because my redeeming qualities are marginal and heavily outweighed by my faults. I could try to improve on things, but I can't even motivate myself to motivate myself.
I recently discovered a Misogynistic side of me that I never knew I had. Oh well, it feels good to be able to let off some broad-spectrum hate every now and again. Even if it's a just a few words here and there.
With no confidence and no self-esteem, what can I hope to achieve, ever? Dying alone, and failing to land even a minimum wage job, is what. I had gifts, and I squandered them, am squandering them. I wish I could make myself do something, or want to do something. I know how this all ends, but all I feel I can do now is choose when. But I can't even do that. I can't bring my own life to an end. If somebody else did, I'd be grateful to them, though. My reasons for living are few and flimsy. In a few very subtle ways that none would notice, the world would be ever so slightly better off if I were gone. Except it would initially be at a loss, because a funeral would have to be arranged. But, after that, the meaninglessness of it all, is finished. And never again will people have to be burdened by my presence. For all, life would go on. Maybe for a few it goes on with a fleeting solemn expression, perhaps a moist eyeball. But more importantly, for me it wouldn't.

i do not think i need to be told i have no social life and that it is sad i do not have one and that i should go make some friends and hang out with them because that is what normal people do and that is what my father/ sister(the speakers) did/do and that it was what they enjoy. i don't think it is fair that my sister can call me a freak for not going to my year 12 formal or sports carnivals in front of my dad and all he can say is "can you blame her?" if she can call me a freak why can i not call her an idiot without getting into trouble. really its not something i want to hear every day. then there is the fact that a couple of guys i know were involved in some political stuff where there were arrests and i haven't seen them since then at things that they would have gone to if they could. i know it's irrational but i worry they might have gotten arrested. the crowd at this event was over a hundred and i'm worried the 2 arrests that took place were of 2 people i actually care about.

being an aspie is like using a machete to create a path through a really thick forest, only to discover a cliff waiting on the other side. grrrrrrr.

How can they expect me to work when they are blabbing non-stop right beside me?! !! How am I supposed to concentrate and write this f***ing paper when I can't hear my own thoughts?

Grrr... Ignorant chatty idiots!! !

Damn meds making me damn sick.

Stuck at home while my partner's off doing karaoke.

Girls won't date me because of my E-Prime.

I am sick of me. I can't talk properly, I can't understand people, I can't ever keep pace like a normal adult human being--I'm always behind, even when I run full tilt and work myself into a state of complete shutdown.

my father is such a freaking, xenophobic control freak. i'm not allowed out on sundays because i have to spend time with family or something. today was world refugee day and there was a rally to protest the governments treatment of them i wanted to go to. not only would i have been able to support a cause i believe in but i would have been able to find out what the hell had happened to the people i know. i had a lie all planned out that would have let me slip off but my father threw a hissy fit at the fact that i had not spent saturday hunting for a laptop(was supposed to do that on sunday). he yelled at me for ages and then lectured me even more making it impossible to implement my escape plan. i hate sundays.

Someone has stopped caring about her slate...

Why can't my family just get a break? The last 3 years were so hard on us. My dad lost his job, my mum has some serious health issues, my brother divorced because his wife cheated on him, I broke up with my ex (which was a good thing but very emotionally hard) and got demoted at work, constant financial problems. And now my brother's ex-wife is going to move abroad and she's taking my nephew with her. My brother lives for his son. He was so strong through all of this but I'm so afraid this might brake him. And my mum wouldn't survive that because of her heart related health problems. Looks like no matter how hard we try things are just getting worse and worse. Why can't we get a f***ing brake?

My loneliness is a bottomless pit. Stretch as it may, my heart cannot find the solid ground of affection.

When will someone realize that a person who acts so robotically cold, is actually in need of mending?

Imagine if orphaned children were treated like stray pets... eliminated if no one is willing to take them home. My heart needs a home, and the shelter is anxious to have it gone.

I've been writing my final draft for my important essay all day and it's due tomorrow. Lost it on the computer and it's worth 60%. I wouldn't be so concerned if this wasn't my final year but it makes it that much worse. Fml