I keep hitting my head and face.

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Well My boyfriend is in England I'm working on saving enough money to go visit him. But what kind of volunteer place did you have in mind? If there is a place that would help me I would go . I have trouble getting places because of my sensory issues and my my sleeping troubles. But I want to get better.



No I'm 22 I added 100 years to make myself smile . Sort of a personal joke. But even if I am an adult They can get a court order to force medicate me and put me in a mental hospital for a week or 2. That scares me alot. I qualify for it to . You have to be a harm to yourself or others, and right now I'm a harm to myself .

I have never found therapy to help me for some reason. Ive been seeing therapists sence i was a child. It was written down that I hatted myself even in 5th grade. Back then I stabbed myself with a pencil because I was mad at myself.

I blame myself for everything even if its not my fault. This might come from being abused as a child but I'm not sure.

I really want to open up to my therapist about this. I'm just afraid she will commit me to a mental hospital if I do.

I also worry I wont be able to stop therapy if I feel its to overwhelming for me.
An hour a week is not enough to help anyways. I feel I need something more intensive then that.

I don't know why this feeling of hate come on . I just suddenly feel this intense urge to punish myself as if Ive done something horrible . It actually reminds me of the way my dad used to beat me for every little thing. So perhaps I'm just having a flash back then acting it out on myself.? I don't know just a guess.

Do you think my therapist will commit me if I tell her about how i beat myself up?

It really helps to talk about it by the way. I'm glad you guys care. It makes me feel a little better to know people care. So thank you so very much.

I'm just trying to hang on here. And you all are helping! so thank you

In Australia, we have volunteer manned hotlines which you can ring to talk to people. They're generally used for suicide but self-harm and just general domestic endangerment also qualifies. I'm sure that they're available where you are too. Try looking in the front of the yellow pages.

One of these hotlines might be a good start - if you can't call from home, try a phone booth. I'm not saying that they could give you therapy over the phone, although they might but they could locate appropriate services nearby.

It's fairly normal behaviour for an aspie to blame themselves for lots of things - particularly things you didn't do. Childhood abuse could certainly be a factor too. Aspies are full of depression.

You do need to see a therapist and you do need to open up. You won't be committed to a hospital unless you either request it yourself or display violence in front of them. Hospitals are already too overcrowded and they won't admit more unless they have no choice.

Therapy might not help but you only get out of it what you put in. You might also be able to find a local support group who have similar issues. Someone you can ring or visit when you're feeling down. Having a support buddy can get you over the problem of only having an hour of therapy per week. You can help eachother. You can relate. If you help your buddy, you'll feel good too.

Talk to the therapist about being overwhelmed. Agree on some sign, perhaps a hand sign (stop) that lets her know that you're being overwhelmed and can't discuss things anymore. They'll understand. Let them know what you want them to do when you signal stop. They'll have to trip it a few times though because it does have to hurt in order to heal.

No... It's very common and she probably sees 10+ people with the same problem every day.


Do you still live with your dad? You're not still in danger from him are you?

Perhaps I will do that . It sounds like a very good idea! thank you!




I did not know that was normal behavior for aspies. Perhaps its because when someone is upset I dont know why so I blame myself.



I might call my therapist tomorrow. I can see if I can get a friend to drive me to the appointment.

I moved Out a while back and Got some free therapy for it. But he has gotten a lot better so I moved back in. I couldn't really afford to live on my own and I cant drive so I moved back home.

My dad knows I would call the cops on him in a hart beat. I did it before I moved out so he knows I'm serious. He has calmed down a lot though. He has not said one mean thing to me since I moved back so that is a 1000% improvement.

As for therapy I guess I'm going to have to take a leap of faith and open up. I have a hard time opening up. I kept quiet about my family abuse till I was over 18 so hiding things is a natural thing for me. I will have to try though.

I'm not quite sure, perhaps it's because of my own isolation, but I really feel like I just want to say "I love you" and give you a hug, despite not really knowing you in reality.

As of late is when I really started to use this forum for my own personal healing, since I've hit a roadblock - hard - with this condition and how it affects my life. I feel like I know all of you, and I understand every little thing everyone says and reflects on here. It's profound, and elementary, which is something I've never experienced - knowing others points of view. I think this condition binds us together in a way that no other mental or physical, or even personal experiential history could otherwise do.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Just-Me,

You've gotten some great advice, I just want to add a little more to the equation.

Consider getting a referral to go to a *cognitive therapist* who will help you get the courage to take steps to empower yourself so you won't feel so frustrated and angry that you want to self injure to the point of death. A cognitive therapist can also give you advice on how to make your day to day life better in addition to helping you deal with the *current problems* caused by what was done to you in the past.

You also might want to consider joining a support group (perhaps one that deals with anger and depression).

Additionally, you might want to take out a book, video, or audio book about meditation from the library (or buy one online). Meditation can greatly help with stress levels.

Thanks for all your responses. Ive decided to do what I feel is the right thing for me. I'm gong to try to deal with this without intervention. I'm going to do some online research and try and use some psychological techniques on myself.

The times when Ive made the biggest improvements are when Ive followed my instincts and dealt with it in my own way.

Ive tried going to support groups but I never get anything but stress because people stress me out . So I think that would be counter productive.

I think a lot of the stress was caused by going out around people so much I got way to overwhelmed by it all and I knew i needed a break but I didn't take one.

I feel I need to pull away from people and limit my social activity's. I need to do some soul searching. I need to quiet time to rest recharge and look inside myself to see what I NEED.

Ive spent the past year and a half doing what everyone else wanted me to do and Ive gotten nothing but worse. I need to pull away from socal pressures and do whats right for me. I know what I need i just need to get away from people who force me to do it there way.

I got involved in church activites and made friends with the people there and whall they were nice I could never be myself.

So now I'm gonna do what I think is right.

Thank you so much all of you for your help, It really helps me when people show they care.

thank you so much!

I'm so glad to hear that! The best of luck.

just-me,

Hang in there and do your best. I know that things are tough around you but you do have a lot of supporters on WP. We all think you're fantastic and it hurts us to hear that you're getting hurt.

i do it too, i hit my own head when im frustrated and try to bang it on the wall. I think everyone has anger and frustration, but most normal guys would go to a violent pub or football match and punch others to get it out. Im too nervous of people to do that and find team sport too socially difficlut so i have no way to get out my frustration. And im too indrawn to speak up for myself when i have a problem. Once, i was under really bad stress and depression at work and my dad was giving me a hard time when i came home, and i just thought he was trying to torment me, and i went up in the attic and punched two holes in the walls, and my hands were all grazed and bleeding. my parents are nuts themselves though, so theyre to blame, as used to go in rages and if i tryed to talk to them calmly, they just got angrier, so you have to go into a bigger rage as its the only things that calms them down. i expect if i keep up my exercise and maybe get back into martial arts i might feel better. i need to figure out some way of dealing with people though.

How about an update? ... are things better now?

"Just Me" I eventually found this thread when I discovered that you have deleted yourself from YouTube
Im honestly very sorry to read what you are going through
It must be an aweful feeling to hate yourself to the grade that you hurt yourself like you do
I wish that I could do something for you to feel better but I dont know you at all...

I wish you could see yourself in the mirror and highlightening the good things you have achived in your life, no matter how small or simple they might be
That you can see that you are a human beeing that have value in excistense, a person that doesnt deserve to be punished and hurt
I hope that you by the time can find respect towards yourself and not lay so much burden and failure in you

I understand that life can be very very rough and dark and misery. I also have AS and I had my deepest darkest periods too that I hardly survived
But I did survive and today can feel appreciation towards things I have learned out of life, even if I had learn alot the hardest way

I want you to come to this point where your soul can feel relaxed and confident but also have believe in itself and in You
Its hard to love yourself but its even harder to hate yourself. Please try not to hate. Get rid of the hate and you see that you will find life much brighter and lighter
Hate can harm so much and Im sure that bad things happened to you is not only your fault

I recognise what you describe as social pressure from others. I have been there too. But They are not You!
So do whats best for you - as long as you dont hurt yourself!!

Take care, xalepax

I am making an effort not to hit myself any more. My eyes are almost fully healed up. Only one eye has a slight tinge of yellow.

For some reason i feel ashamed of talking about it. I don't know why.

I cried yesterday for a while and it seemed to help alot. I wanted to hit myself today when people where telling me what to do. but i did not hit myself.

I was told to clean the kitchen when someone else made the mess. I normally do. but I knew it was not fair to ask me to clean a mess that I did not make. And whall I did eat dinner with the family I should not be solely responsible for the clean up.

I normally just clean it and get stressed about it. then i take the stress out on myself.

I feel I should clean it because I feel selfish if I don't.

But I realized it was to much stress for me. So I picked up a few tings and said I would not do the rest.

I'm trying to take better care of myself now. I cant push myself farther then I can go. And if people around me think I'm lazy I'll just have to remind myself I cant push myself past my limits because I deserve equal treatment as everyone else.

I think Of myself as second class like I'm worth less then everyone else. I think this because they all work and I do not.

I need to some how realize I'm just as important as someone else is. I am aren't I? I some times worry I'm not.


Ive got a long way to go but I'm trying so thats good.

I'm sorry your having a hard tie as well . I hope you can find healing somehow.

you sound simmer to me. I cannot speak up for myself I think that is part of the reason i hit myself.

I often feel trapped in a situation and i get enraged then take the rage out on myself.

i will probably make a new account when I feel able. I'm feel a bit broken right now so I'm just trying to rest.

I hope when I make a new account you will still listen to my songs.

I'll let all of you know when I make a new account. I'll post it in the art section.

I really loved that you all listened to my songs. and it meant a lot to me to see people liked my singing.

I don't know why I feel so broken inside. I feel this deep need to just rest. I'm not sitting in bed each day I do stuff but I'm just emotionally tired. not physically tired just tired in my soul.

I found 1 good thing out of all this. I am able to sleep now. Before I could never sleep it was so hard to sleep. Now i go to bed and I'm out in about an hour. its great!

I feel I'm coming to the end of a very long journey and now its time to rest and heal. I suppose thats good.

I feel so tired in my soul its so strange. I feel like maybe I'm going through stuff from my childhood.

Every few years I get like this. I feel some emotion from my past and I do something harmful. In 5th grade I stabbed my leg with a pencil in the middle of class.

In high school I threatened to jump off a balcony in high school. Then i ran to a different state and went to 3 different mental hospitals. And had a psychotic episode.

Then just after i turned 18 i committed myself again.

Something from my past was trying to come out. Something i buried.

I had a very abusive child hood.

I still don't know what it is but I feel the need to rest so I'm following that urge.

It like I'm trying to comfort my past child self.

I have a vague feeling ,almost a memory of me in the fetal position on the floor crying.

i feel the need to rest and comfort myself. I figure this is a good thing. Its certainly better then trying to hurt myself.

i just need to rest and perhaps when I'm ready the memory will surface .

I know most of what i wrote may seem odd but I felt i needed to share it with you all.

It helped me feel a little better to say it to someone.

That's ok.
You're among friends here and we accept you for who you are.
It's not our place to be judgemental.



I'm glad that crying seems to have helped - it's good to let it all out sometimes.
I'm glad you didn't hit yourself again too.




It's good to help out but helping isn't the same as becoming the household "slave".
Do your part ... not everyone elses. You can't accept blame for other people's shortcomings - and it's not about being selfish.

Good job that you realised when you were being stressed and got out of the situation.




Yep, Equality is a basic freedom. It's yours. Nobody is allowed to take that from you.



This is you thinking that.
You're not second class.
There IS no second class... that's what equality is all about.

You're worth no more or less than anyone else as a person.... as a friend though, you're worth far more.



It's not how much housework that defines you... it's how you live your life, your compassion, your personality and your spirituality that matters.



I'm proud of you - and I'm sure the rest of the people in this thread are too.