dossa wrote:
I have known several people who have committed suicide. The first was Ian, a friend of mine who had HIV. He moved to another city and I found out about his death when I was fifteen. I went numb. I got off the phone, walked into the bathroom, shoved an earring through my nose (he used to always tell me how he thought I should pierce my nose... I still wear a ring in my nose to this day) and then went about life as normal, but took to binge drinking on the weekends in his honor... did that for about a year... Next one was Matt. I worked with him in my early twenties... he and I hired in at the same time. He was also HIV positive... he got his from a blood transfusion as a child. I took his death worse because his roommate (who happened to e the love of his life) also worked with us. One night he and I worked together, he seemed fine... That night he saw his roommate dancing with another coworker, went home, wrote a note, went out back and shot himself. I flipped right out. I had to go from his funeral to work. People kept asking me what was wrong until I freaked out on this guy, screaming, crying, throwing stuff... then I just went back to working like nothing happened. I was not ok after Matt died for about a year. He and I were not close, but he never told me he had HIV, he never told me the developing relationship with the roommate upset him so, he never said a thing. I wanted to bring him back to kill him myself. His death f**** me up bad. Next came Selena. She was severe bipolar and the best friend of my husbands 'brother'. She could not afford her meds. She went depressive, hid in her room, left a note, ate enough pills to kill a horse and washed them down with alcohol. She was hard to deal with due to how she effected my husbands 'brother'. He still has not recovered, I doubt he ever will recover. That was seven (?) years ago? He fell into a deep depression that almost killed him. He drank every day, did heavy drugs, got fired, started having brutal panic attacks (not that there are nice, calm ones... but his scared me)... He had to leave state. Being here became hell to him. The last one was Warren. I grew up with him. He hurt me the worst. He was messed up. His dad was an abusive alcoholic... but Warren always tried to be better... it just never worked out for him. I watched him go from a crazy kid to a man who just wanted to get a good job, a good woman and become a good dad. He was the first person to hold each of my kids. He went home one night and shot his face off. His sister found him the next morning. She is not ok. His mom is not ok. His daughter is not ok. I am not ok. This was six years ago. I spent the first month crying. I spent the next six months screaming at him while crying. I went through three years of severe depression. When I started not thinking of him everyday, I immediately felt guilty, like I was by not mourning, taking away from the memory of how wonderful he was and became depressed again. I resented anyone who encouraged me to get better. I screamed at people who told me to not be morbid and obsess over the dead. I threw things at almost everyone who told me they understood, because they did not. The only person during those years (my kids not included) was an internet friend of mine who lost someone around the same time in the same kind of way who had similar history with the woman he lost. He was good for me. I was good for him. He and I hated the world together for awhile. I know I will never be the same because of Warren. I keep crying while writing this... It took me years to be able to live again. He took part of me with him. Earlier this month my friend of twenty years got a call... her brother in Indiana hung himself in the garage. His wife found him hanging there with his hands bound. My friend is not ok. Her family is not ok. He was depressed... he left behind not only a wife, but three young children. She keeps thinking she has no tears left to cry... she keeps being wrong.
I do not think your post is in bad taste. It is hard to know how suicide will effect people. It is hard to appreciate the devastation it leaves behind because people grieve in the weirdest ways. Even people who seem ok (unless the have some kind of disorder that genuinely alters their reactions) are not ok. They usually harbor guilt for feeling relieved if that person is a burden... They feel misery, then guilt for not doing something or knowing or saying the magic words that would have made them alive still, they wait for some guy to come in and tell them they are on candid camera or some crap, they feel rage, they feel dead inside. Sometimes they feel all that at once. I have watched people fall apart and never put themselves back together. I am one of those. When someone in my family dies naturally I just see it as part of the cycle of death and rebirth. I might miss them, but that kind of death makes sense to me. Suicide makes no sense to me. It really can destroy the living. I have seen it first hand too many times... trust me... I know.
do i have permission to show this to someone if they consider suicide?
25 Nov 2009, 4:13 pm
He says he would be devistated yet I still go on feeling like topping myself and still keep going on and on about it, poor him 
