I keep thinking about suicide. But...I don't want to die!! !

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shitshitshit all I can think about are drugs. these past few days have been so painful that I am making the reckless choice. I seriously don't care what it takes, I want numbness I want goddamn release and I don't feel like making another thread to contain my whiny bitching, there are enough of those here. I'm tired and wretched. f**k it I'm too screwed up to forgive myself for all the s**t I put myself through, all the fuck-ups I've done. I want drugs. anything. s**t, I suspect I'm a masochist. MY GOD SOMEONE HELP ME FORGET