Well I am in an odd situation.
Hi Sweetleaf!
I agree with what jackbus said about seeing a general doctor if you can. Anything is better than nothing.
Whatever music makes you happy and unworried, I would play that. I know that sounds really simplistic and dumbed-down but obviously what you are taking in with one entire sense must play a big role in how you're feeling. And I know what you mean about music that is too cheery not being any comfort - because it doesn't reflect the reality you know at all, any of the pain in that reality, and try to reconcile it.
One last suggestion - I don't know your living situation, but if you live with other students I would really recommend you reach out to a few of the more understanding-seeming and friendly ones, even if you don't know them all that well, and tell them you've been feeling depressed and isolated. Their just knowing might make you feel a little better and lessen your burden that much less. If you don't live around other students, you could approach someone sympathetic-seeming in one of your classes and ask if they have a minute to talk after the class. I know this seems like a daunting thing to do and something you may be really averse to doing, but I've found in general people want to help and don't want to see another person suffering alone.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
I agree with what jackbus said about seeing a general doctor if you can. Anything is better than nothing.
Whatever music makes you happy and unworried, I would play that. I know that sounds really simplistic and dumbed-down but obviously what you are taking in with one entire sense must play a big role in how you're feeling. And I know what you mean about music that is too cheery not being any comfort - because it doesn't reflect the reality you know at all, any of the pain in that reality, and try to reconcile it.
One last suggestion - I don't know your living situation, but if you live with other students I would really recommend you reach out to a few of the more understanding-seeming and friendly ones, even if you don't know them all that well, and tell them you've been feeling depressed and isolated. Their just knowing might make you feel a little better and lessen your burden that much less. If you don't live around other students, you could approach someone sympathetic-seeming in one of your classes and ask if they have a minute to talk after the class. I know this seems like a daunting thing to do and something you may be really averse to doing, but I've found in general people want to help and don't want to see another person suffering alone.
Yeah if only I had the ability to approach people I don't know and start conversations with them, but I don't...I just have never been able to bring myself to talk to anyone unless they say something first or its required like if you go to the bank or something.
I am pretty much the same way but I can succeed in approaching someone if I have the sentence I want to say rehearsed in my head and then I wait for a moment when they seem available to talk, and however much I don't want to do it, I say the sentence (because in the bigger-picture sense I did want to talk to them for a specific reason).
For example: I might just have "Hi, I was wondering if I could ask your advice about something later, just after class." running over and over in my head. I might even have to get up before the class starts if I'm not sitting beside them already and walk over and tap them on the shoulder. Yes that sounds awkward and I'm sure I came off as awkward in many cases but I can't remember any instances when a person I approached for advice/help shunned me in any way; they were always very helpful. Then again I was lucky enough to go to a university with an extremely friendly atmosphere, but I think this would work anywhere.
Obviously though approaching someone out of the blue is a very hard thing to do, so first I would check to see if there are any peer support/mentor programs that you could just sign up for and have someone to talk to without having to make the effort.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
My brain won't let me, I have tried....the best I can do is put myself in situations where someone might talk to me first so I can talk to them.
My brain won't let me, I have tried....the best I can do is put myself in situations where someone might talk to me first so I can talk to them.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
My brain won't let me, I have tried....the best I can do is put myself in situations where someone might talk to me first so I can talk to them.
I do sometimes, but its too much effort to constantly try and act positive when I feel like crap.
My brain won't let me, I have tried....the best I can do is put myself in situations where someone might talk to me first so I can talk to them.
I do sometimes, but its too much effort to constantly try and act positive when I feel like crap.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
My brain won't let me, I have tried....the best I can do is put myself in situations where someone might talk to me first so I can talk to them.
I do sometimes, but its too much effort to constantly try and act positive when I feel like crap.
Sometimes I do stop trying, because a lot of times acting positive or content is even more unbearable then not trying. because I feel really fake i mean......lets just put it this way when you are smiling and engaging in conversation no one knows under the surface you're thinking about ways you could end it. I've had times where Im not even listening to what the other person is saying and my responses are just automatic and don't reflect how i really feel. It gets to the point where I'll be talking to someone but in my mind I will be wondering what the hell I'm even talking about. I don't even feel like its me talking. Wow I realise I have never told anyone this.....hmm I wonder what my counseler would say.
MXH
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Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
Yeah its gotten to the point where Its really messing with me....I mean I hate to sound like i am not listening to any advice anyones given me on this forum, I have and I do try and apply it. But even so I can't stand living this way, I mean what's really the point when a significant portion of my life involves me faking that I am here mentally when I'm not even fully aware of people and such.....makes everything around me seem dead a lot of the time. Uhh I don't know if that makes sense.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
At least that's my theory.
I think its too late for me to ever find any true enjoyment in life, eventually the virtual wall I seem to be building up around myself will be too high for me to climb over......I've gotten so tired of trying to pretending like I'm enjoying life.
At least that's my theory.
I think its too late for me to ever find any true enjoyment in life, eventually the virtual wall I seem to be building up around myself will be too high for me to climb over......I've gotten so tired of trying to pretending like I'm enjoying life.
I am really trying to think of something other than "depression" or "medication" to say. I will say I really know how you feel. Your info says you are 21.
When I was 21 I was in almost the exact same position. Your posts really hit close to home because that was almost exactly the way I was writing things years ago. In fact about a month ago I had a letter that I wrote to a former friend explaining my hopelessness. I did destroy that letter now though. People seem to think that life is best when you are in your twenties but that is not always the case. I had dropped out of school and was working a dead-end job. Anyway I won't bore you, I somehow survived and am 38 now. I will say that if you take it one day at a time and work through your problems things will get better. They did for me at least, eventually.
Hang in there.
...
But even so I can't stand living this way, I mean what's really the point when a significant portion of my life involves me faking that I am here mentally when I'm not even fully aware of people and such.....makes everything around me seem dead a lot of the time. Uhh I don't know if that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense especially with the combination of AS and depression.
