Why am I not strong enough to kill myself?

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Are you really going to kill yourself over a guy?

I've never even had a single relationship. No woman has ever been the least bit attracted to me.

I have no job and no prospects of ever getting a decent job, all because I wasted time getting worthless degrees instead of getting experience.

I have no close friends.

And you want to commit suicide because a relationship with a guy isn't working out?

*Big internet Hug*

I admit, I won't take being called a b***h from anyone. The one time my BF tried it, I dumped him for 2 weeks . But then, I have a temper.

However, 11+ years ago, I would certainly have tried to kill myself if I were in your situation, although I would have considered, reconsidered and re-reconsidered for a couple of months before I finally went for it! Never let it be said that my suicide attempts have been casual!

I'm not going to talk about the methods I used on here, in case someone thinks it's a good idea to copy me. From the age of 13-27 I was pretty consistent with my method, as are most long-term suicidals. However, having had my stomach pumped and been forced to swallow charcoal, I decided to go a different route for my final attempt in 2000. I researched it, tried it, and ended up having one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life in the 24 hours afterwards, physically, mentally and socially (NHS hospital staff should be flogged for the attitude they have towards the suicidal!). I was sent home, and put into the NHS mental health system that day.

The psychiatrist I was sent to said something which really resonated with me. He told me that it isn't actually that easy to kill yourself - your body is going to fight you every step of the way. Remember that Bupa advert ("You're amazing - we want you to stay that way")? It's a similar principal. Your body's entire purpose is to keep itself alive, cure itself if it gets ill, eject things which are bad for it, heal cuts and fight infections. Regardless of what your brain is telling you, your body is absolutely going to fight you for its survival. In fact, the people who do manage to kill themselves often do it by accident, or via a bodily weakness which was undiagnosed.

I've tried to kill myself around 12 times, and each time been thwarted by my constitution. My last attempt ought to have killed me, or at least caused some lasting damage, but my body wasn't having it (and has punished me ever since with severe nausea every time I come near to the substance in question!).

What I'm trying to say is that suicide is not easy. If you manage to be brave enough to try it, then you still have to get the method right or else it's an automatic fail. Your body will fight your method for survival and has an incredibly high chance of winning. So then you wake up, feeling just as lousy as before, maybe wander off the the hospital, where you're treated like pond scum for wasting their time, go home and wonder what on earth to do now! It's a waste of time.

Instead, it's far better to approach the reasons underlying your feelings. Rather than looking at whether or not you want to commit suicide, you really need to ask yourself why you want to commit suicide.

For instance, did you know that a large componant of suicidal depression is anger? If you condense down all of your feelings, the ultimate answer is usually that you are angry, frustrated and feel powerless about something in your past (or things).

It's far better to try and fix those feelings than try and remove yourself from the world, because frankly, the world will go on without you. The only person who truly loses out in suicide is you - and really, do you deserve that? If you are feeling things so deeply, aren't you in truth a good person?

Best therapy in the world for suicidal feelings is some form of anger expression. Buy a punchbag. Do violent art therapy. Talk to someone. Take up martial arts.

It will help - I promise .

Hi Arian, it most likely is anger, I don't know really.
I often get days when I question the point of being here, as I do not serve any useful purpose, I seem unable to interract properly with anyone I get close to, I don't work, I don't even have a current 'special' interest really, and I have little contact with my family, who seem to not care nor understand me. It is hard not to stop, and be totally overwhelmed by it when you actually think about your situation. I do not want to resort to anti depressants, really, as I don't want to be reliant on a pill to make me compatible with life.

It is the train of thought that comes after each horribly bad interraction with someone, usually a boyfriend (thankfully I have only had 3 ), that leads me to believe I am just too messed up and defective to ever be able to actually be with someone else. It is unfortunate that I wish to have a partner really, because if I was one of those here who wanted to spend their entire life alone and single, it would be perfect and it wouldn't matter that I have problems that make interractions turn to poo over small things. I really do not want to feel I am too defective to have that one thing in my life, companionship of some kind.

It is unlikely I would not be capable of committing suicide, and I am left feeling trapped in a life that I often find pretty meaningless to be honest. I am just going through the motions.

Graelwyn, I've seen you post on here before, and if anything, I think you're strong enough NOT to kill yourself.

Yes, someone has said that already, but I agree. I don't think you should let 'him' or anyone get you down to the point of Suicide.

Hang in there, and if you want any support message me.

This is not the man for you. This is not the man for anyone, in his current state.

I was married to a man like this, a man who tried to "gaslight" me at every turn, and he was a textbook narcissist (look up NPD). Get out while you can. I'm very serious about this.

Try to analyze objectively the patterns in his behavior. If he is a narcissist, you will see, over and over again, how everything comes back to the buoyancy of his own needs and self-esteem. You are merely a means to this, and you do not really matter to him as an individual person. The toilet seat joke is part of that, it's an attempt to separate and victimize himself (from all he's suffered from humankind) and absolve himself of blame or accountability.

Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that takes very, very intensive therapy to treat, with only moderate results. I've seen ideas that theorize that Aspies are especially vulnerable to Narcissists because of our relative interpersonal difficulties.

I wish you luck. I've read your other posts on your issues with him, but this is the first time I've responded.

i hear you on the not strong (or weak) enough to do it. I hope im wrong about myself.

mex!

what?