Well, it's official...I am SCUM

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Well, maybe that's how you want to see me, but to be honest with you and every member on WP, I don't even consider myself to be a human being! Even from a young age, I've felt like an alien trapped inside a human being's body. I've never known how to get along with people very well. I feel that I can never understand them because they're so illogical.

But sadly, I've unfortunately learned and ingrained the greatest of all human weaknesses: emotions! I'd be so much better off if I didn't have them...to live an entire life of indifference...that's what I dream of every day.

P.S. this will be the first of a few responses to individual posts, so please don't think I'm spamming.

Fluttershy11

Um....is that supposed to make me feel better; your bragging that you've never got punished by the law? Because it doesn't.





It's EVERYTHING I deserve! What I did completely went against my nature of being a kind, gentle, compassionate person, thus I do not even deserve to be the mildew on my shower curtain.

Oh, and to answer your statement of...


...damn right it's my choice. I don't care WHO finds that money I scatter/drop in that parking lot, just as long as I don't have that money anymore. I'd just spend it on stuff that would rot my teeth and my mind anyway; they'd spend it more wisely then me. Over and out.

Fluttershy11

no not that....but that by society I'm viewed as a criminal, for the crime of wanting to feel better. Yeah I'm a drug user. But see you took some extreme action over something that upset you....you're intentions where not really wrong, but it is true there could have been better ways to handle it. My main point really is though that I don't think you should punish yourself over it by beating yourself up...everyone makes mistakes so it's no good to torment yourself over a mistake you made.

But I certainly wasn't trying to brag, sorry if it came off that way. But yeah man, it's you're life so I won't tell you how to live it, I can only speak from my own experiance and research.

*tears up*...I can't, Narfibald.

I am quite physically incapable of forgiving myself. Frankly, I don't think there's anything about me that's worth forgiving.

I have little self-esteem, even less self-respect, and absolutely [/b]no[b] self-love.

You just don't get it, do you? I did something so bad that it warranted a criminal record. All the apologies in the world won't ever change that! Even if I live to be NINETY, I'll still be regretting it. I may have corrected myself in my victims' eyes and society's eyes, but I will never move on.

I'm not a 'monster'?

I am in my victim's eyes.

I am in society's eyes.

I am in the eyes of everyone on this planet WITH EYES.

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry....I didn't know. *hugs* There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel better. Even though I don't know if I approve of your doing drugs, I won't judge you because you won't judge me. Even the 'crime' of just making mistakes makes me feel like I'm a screw-up. I DO wish I could be able to forgive myself...but where do I begin?

Fluttershy11

You're right, I don't. But why don't I get it? Is it because it DOES make sense, and I can't see it from my point of view? Maybe.....maybe. Or maybe it doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense.

I'm sorry. Forgive me for being so stubborn and refusing to be comforted by you and everyone else who's only trying to give me support and constructive criticism. Your intentions are good, don't get me wrong.

I'm sure that as time passes, my harshness on myself will mellow out. Maybe I just need a few months before it all blows over. So maybe I should just keep my chin up...^_^

Thank you for being patient with me, Narfibald.

Fluttershy11

Anytime, it's what I do. From my own war with depression, I know that overcoming negative feelings isn't as easy as flipping a switch. It's a battle of attrition, and sometimes we all just need to be reminded of that.

Eh, I need a punishment stronger than an hours detention for what I've done, let 'em come

i read your other thread. I can understand the red mist cloud you must have seen at the time. I've reacted in similar ways where it has affected parties not directly involved. Don't worry tho, seriously; sometimes you have to write situations off as an 'lol' moment and move on. The truth is that the car owners will not care anymore, they've probably picked up new scratches since.

Look at the positives, alternatively you could have approached the parent and caused a massive scene in the restaurant - it could have been much much worse. rather than worry about the past, look to the future. maybe plan how you are going to deal with similar situations in the future. if you see a kid being mistreated, make a note of descriptions, reg plates etc and report it. (have a chat with someone first, just to get a second opinion on how bad it really is)

Trying to catch up on all that I've missed while my internet was down, so I'm starting way back around the time it went out.

Don't take this like me trying to be mean, because I'm not. It's just an observatin and a suggestion.

You said yourself that you are very judgemental and view anyone with any criminal record as scum, and you tend to lump all crimes in together. Jaywalkers with murderers. Now that you yourself have a criminal record you probably feel obligated to feel that you are scum, because you have put everyone else in that catagory, when many if not most of them, aren't.

I hope you use this incident and consequences to give a long, hard think about how the rest of the world actually is, and that people don't fit into simple good/evil, black/white, catagories. Maybe knowing deep down that you aren't scum, and feeling that you should think you are because of how you have catagorized others, and knowing that there are other hardliners out there like yourself who would think of you like that, will make you give itt more thought and acctually learn compassion for others who are, like you, human, and who do, like you, make mistakes.

In other words, use this as a lesson in judging others.

BTW, I have a criminal record, and I'm far, far, from scum.

Fluttershy11,

What you are feeling is simply the "hang over affect" of having gotten in trouble, which is perfectly normal. What that says to me is that you have remorse about the wrong you have committed, and you will ensure it won't happen again. In a few weeks, you will probably feel better and this incident will be behind you.

Well yeah to each their own, there are pleanty of people who wouldn't approve of that. But I don't know its easier said then done trying to forgive yourself for things. I mean the most obvious thing I can think of is just try not to be so hard on yourself....I mean good people can make mistakes, so making a mistake does not make you scum. But I beat myself up all the time over mistakes I make and such. I still havn't found a very good way to avoid that.

Fluttershy, I think you put too much importance on what you have done. Really, no one else in the world would really care about someone keying a couple of cars. You keyed a couple of cars for Christ's sake and have overly sensitive reactions to people. You had to go to court, so what, it's not the end of the world. Keying a car and being whiney about something doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a sensitive person.

It wouldn't even really affect any job interviews as such if you handle the question in the right way. The best way to do that would be to prepare various types of answers that contain the same fact or viewpoint for different interview scenarios.

I won't tell you to calm down as that would be silly, but I will tell you to get a grip

I work in a Court myself so I can tell you, so many people have criminal records you'd be surprised! And a lot of them are just moments of madness.
The way I'd think about it is, a child molester will certainly scar their victim for life, a violent assault could leave people living in fear or physically scarred. When our family car has been keyed, the reaction has been "oh bloody hell, what sod did that? ", assume it was local kids and think no more of it.. You're probably more upset than the car owner!

But I understand no one can change how you view yourself with reasoning, I just hope you can accept and get over this. You must be a very sweet person to show such remorse. I've seen rapists and murderers standing in the dock, grinning and laughing at the victims family. You're nothing like those people.

It can sometimes help a person to feel like they are making a difference, and at the same time see that there are people who have it much worse.

Maybe instead of throwing a couple of hundred dollars on the ground, you should give that money to an organization that helps prevent domestic violence.

If you feel that strongly about it, maybe you should try volunteering at a shelter.

I hope you find peace.