Well he can get the hell out then!

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ok.... i need everyone to stay calm please. you should realise that this is The Haven and not a place to point fingers and argue. people will say and do all kinds of stuff in here that other members might not agree with, but as long as their posts are not breaking any rules, it's best to let it be. this isn't PPR or something, where it's a free-for-all to be a judgy mcjudgerson. so if you can't find it in yourself to be supportive to the OP (NOT her husband, who you don't know for Adam), refrain from posting in the thread.

OP, if someone is triggering you to feel bad in a thread where you are asking for support, please PM a moderator before defending yourself/attacking, because it's hard to help you if you've already gone postal.

thanks, and carry on.

Did nobody notice the part where I said "edit: oh I just noticed your second post supplying the additional information?" I notice nobody's commenting on that part of my quote - or the part where I wish her all the best. You're all just jumping all over me for the things I said based on the information that was supplied.

I had not read any of the OP's other threads (if there are any) and have no idea about how old her children are, what her family situation is, etc. If people do not know the OP's background they are going to assess the situation based on what information has been provided in the original post. Therefore it is up to her to decide what she needs to tell people in order for them to understand what's going on. Forum members are not mindreaders.

In the original post it was not stated how old her children were, the fact that her husband beats her up, etc. All that was stated was that her husband said he would be miserable at home on his birthday and that the OP went ballistic and started cursing and throwing herself round the house, and so did her kids. Therefore it makes no sense for people to start attacking me for offering an opinion analysing the situation as it was stated by her in the original post. It's hardly my fault I'm not a mind-reader and do not telepathically know the rest of the OP's private life, is it?

Dueling banjoes? Ha ha! Too funny!

the onus is on you to either get more information from the OP by asking directly, or to look back through her history to get the information. the onus is NOT on her to defend herself from your judgements. your addendum did not erase the judgement. she was evidently hurting and upset and angry, and it is a reasonable expectation for you to respect that.

even if that other information (about abuse or cheating or whatever) was not offered, this is The Haven, where people go for support. please keep that in mind.

You have not been providing the kids with a safe, stable home, by staying with a boozed up dope head, who routinely cheats on you, verbally and physically abuses you, and is extremely selfish and self centered. It is far past time to show him the exit.

Tell the kids you are sorry for having put them through all these years of hell with this guy, but that you did it because you mistakenly thought it was better to have any two parent family, even one with a crappy dad, than a one parent family. Then tell the kids that you now realize your mistake, and no one deserves to have to live with such a crappy husband and father. Then, change the locks, pack his stuff up, and leave it at the curb, as you said you might. Also, contact a divorce lawyer, empty any joint accounts into a new, non joint account (at a different bank), and put an add in the paper stating that you will no longer be responsible for any of his debts. Also, make sure you have a record of any joint credit cards, so you can contact the companies, and have your name taken off of them. You will also need records of insurance policies and other important docs, including mortgage papers, any property, etc.

And, STOP TAKING HIM BACK!! ! He was a bum years ago, he was a bum all through the years you spent with him, he's a bum now, and he will continue to be a bum, unless HE chooses to become a decent human being. Don't hold your breath or waste any more of your life waiting for that to happen. Dump him and get on with your life.

Pardon me, Hyperlexian, but I can't find any rules in the TOS stating that, before replying to a thread, we are obliged to read all other posts made by the person who started it. I have never in all my life been on a forum requiring me to do so. Given that certain members on here have hundreds of thousands of posts, following such a rule would be extremely time-consuming. I am glad such a rule does not exist, and probably never will. However, I can find a rule saying that people are not allowed to curse or insult other forum members. Therefore, I do not think I broke any rules, but the OP did.

I understand that she is in an altered state of mind due to being upset, and as I have already said, I wish her all the best with her husband and hope they work things out, but her current emotional state does not justify rulebreaking or calling people dumbass or using the F word to address people. Rules are rules. Not only has the OP attacked me, she has also attacked again_with_this, and said:

Just because this is the haven and the OP is upset I do not think you should show favouritism or allow people to attack others and make nasty remarks and get away with breaking the rules. She can rant about her husband all she wants but attacking people who reply to her thread to give well-meaning advice is in breach of forum rules.

That is my opinion. I do hope you are not going to say I am breaking a rule by stating it, because according to the TOS, I do not think I am. As a Moderator surely you are supposed to follow the rules that actually exist, and not make up your own. As I've said, there does not appear to be any rule saying people are not allowed to jump into a thread and participate unless they have read all other posts ever made by the OP. Therefore I disagree that it is my responsibility to to background research on every single OP before commenting on a thread. That suggestion is bizarre and I have never encountered it before. It is illogical and makes no sense.

no, you are not required to read anything at all, but you said you didn't know the history. so if you're going to base your opinions on the history then it's nobody else's job to track that down for you. once you DID know the history, you still didn't remove the judgey part of your post where you leapt to conclusions, so of course the OP was going to react to it.

you may have missed the part where the OP was also asked not to attack anyone.

now please allow this thread to go back on topic.

I'll say this, I probably would've given you different advice based on your initial post.

I thought the issue was he said something utterly cruel and insensitive.

I woulda said anyone would be pissed off, but maybe he just wasn't thinking and felt pressured into it. Then had a bad moment and said something totally off the wall, hurtful and disrespectful to the feelings of you and your children.

You and him shoulda had a long talk but the kids shouldn't mouth off at their dad like that, even if they remain pissed at him the rest of their lives. Is what I would have said.

But I mean.. getting a hooker? Smoking weed instead of spending time with your kids? Not sure if the hooker thing is a one time bit but i'd do more than cuss him out for that. I can forgive a lot.. I think marriages require as much but I don't know if i'd forgive that. I definitely wouldn't throw him a birthday party, or even be in a relationship with him. Even if he was a good dad or had some decent qualities other than that.. i'd have let the kids handle it entirely

That said.. when you said you and your kids planned a special day to hang out with the family planned for him, he sounded like a person who deserved it--a good dad or even husband. But.. he's a terrible husband in that regard (in my opinion) and he's not setting a good example to his kids with his behavior.

I don't know, but i'm sorry you're going through this. Not just what happened as far as the birthday plan, but all of it.

I have really been irked by some of the things you have said, before, and I'm sure you may feel the same about me, as it was in threads I had started, but I support you one hundred percent on leaving him. Even unfaithfulness... with prostitutes...? Sure sounds like he is utter scum, to me. You need to get out of this poisonous relationship. It is not just damaging to you, but very much so for your children, too - I do hope they can recover. Good luck.

This is definitely an unhealthy relationship... he hates being around you and you hate being around him.

Just be careful you're not a ringleader for steering the kids into hating him more than a single situation deserves in order to make yourself feel better after he does something that ticked you and/or the kids off. Does he have a point that being in that house WILL make him miserable due to toxic negativity? My mom was like that... she saw everyone as being mean to her but still can't look in the mirror and see that she was the one being so savagely toxic and cruel to everyone else that no one could stand to be around her. (Not saying you are, but you've said flat out that you LOVE to fight and do it often!)

If you two can't work on yourselves and see your own problems, there's no way you can work on your relationship and this relationship will probably need to end... and don't start any new ones until you can make sure you're healthy in every sense! That takes 1-5 years if you're doing it right... much longer if you're doing it wrong.

it isn't often that people can't keep themselves from getting out of control in the Haven, but it appears that this thread is beyond saving. not sure why it seems to have escaped certain people's attention that ALL PEOPLE INVOLVED received a reminder in this thread.

further nasty posts were removed, out of sensitivity to for the OP's situation.

EDIT: i should add, thanks to the people who did stay on topic and who contributed nicely. i'm sure your responses will be appreciated.