Clearly I'm not welcome on Earth.

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You're obviously doing SOMETHING wrong. You can't just hate someone for no reason...

I'm not saying that you are exaggerating the "abuse" on purose. Not at all. I believe that you truly believe that things are worse than they are. One example of this is the post you made on how "abusive" your parents are to you contained the example that your mother keeps making your eggs too runny. While annoying, that is in no way abuse. This is the kind of thing that makes me think that you are, through no fault of your own, blowing things out of proportion.

It's common for that to happen, especially when it seems that everything is going wrong. I've done it myself. It feels like nothing goes right and will never go right, and small inconsequential things take on huge significance. Like not getting eggs right. My point is, while things may seem horrific, they actually aren't horrific, but it's impossible to see and realize that in the condition that you are in now.

I strongly suggest therapy and meds. It's what helps me most when I get that way. Life is so much nicer when you are able to realize that things aren't really all that bad.

My mother has done far worse things than undercooking eggs, which I never claimed was abusive behavior. I would think that if that was truly the worst problem I ever had, then I wouldn't have the massive mental problems that I have today. Now to be fair, my mother doesn't usually beat me the way my father used to. However, my mother is emotionally abusive and my problems with her run much deeper than that little question I posed. (Which I now thoroughly regret posing in the first place.)

I have been in and out of therapy for the last 10 years and I have taken every pill out there and nothing has helped.

Sweet Pea hugs

Are you able to sever communication with your parents?

My father is dead, but he lives on in my brother who has become my father squared. I still live with my mother and my brother and his wife.

I'm flat broke, unemployed and had to leave my job after a suicide attempt. Although that job only was giving me 15 hours a week and barely enough money to starve to death which is why I was living with my mother in the first place. Then last summer my house caught fire, my cherished pug died along with several other family pets and almost everything I own was lost. The only thing I had left was my car, which my mother helps herself to and she has now driven it into the ground. The insurance money has come in and the reimbursement for my belongings was rerouted to household expenses, so nothing I lost in the fire is being replaced except for my bed and some clothing.

My head is pretty screwed up right now, if it wasn't already. I am not getting help from anywhere, but that is nothing new. I don't really feel like anyone actually cares and I often feel like I want to kill myself again, but overwhelming fear seems to stop me. I don't really have any friends maybe one or two people I talk to online. Not that the majority of people online are trustworthy, although I guess I was stupid enough to give the wrong people ammunition and of course they used it, and when the opportunity presented itself they stalked me as I moved around and used it again.

If there's one thing I really want out of life it's a reset button, although restarting in this life doesn't sound all that great. Maybe if circumstances could be set differently things would be better, but we all know that's impossible. So why even talk about it?

Hmm...what keeps you from anything better than a job of 15 hours a week? I think something is going wrong to keep you from a better job...not that complete independence is necessary or even desirable.

As for losing everything, I don't know how I can help you there. Words can't replace tangible objects.

There are times I was suicidal but the thought of wasting all the nutrients the Earth has given me so far and everything learned stopped me. Life is a damn battle for us, but we can always find escape from reality fairly easily as long as we aren't self deprecating.

A lack of education and a mother who insists that my car is her car and that I keep a part time job that is conducive to her 12 hour shift, rotating days work that keeps us living in this wonderful s**thole we call home. Actually my job promised me full time work within 5 years as well as stock options choice of venue and, well that turned out to be a baldfaced lie. All I ever got from my job was mind games and verbal abuse, kind of like home and school.

Also my job was a night job. I made several attempts to juggle work and school but just couldn't do it. I guess I'm not as talented as most people. But I guess most people don't have to deal with drug addicts, alcoholics, crazy cat ladies and a parade of a**holes wrecking their home as their brother brings them to sleep on the couch.

Damn, that's a rough situation. Know anyone in your familiar that'd be easier to live with?

They pretty much told me to go f**k myself.

Could put posters up for any people willing to help you get the things you need around where you live.

I doubt this will help. No one did anything for me after my house burned down. I know better than to expect or even hope for charity in any fashion. Of course, the mere thought of that sends my father's voice calling me a p**** in the back of my head. Yeah, he expected me to stand on my feet while he was beating me down. Nice guy, Jesus thinks so apparently. The priest said my father is going to heaven and I'm not.

God and I are not on speaking terms, atm.

I don't know what I can do to help you then, I hope life starts looking better for you soon.

As for your father going to heaven, f**k that. priests like blind servants to god regardless of moral character.

What really confuses and baffles and upsets me is why it seems like whenever I get around people I seem to bring out the worst in them. It's almost like people get around me and their enraged by my presence. I dunno, I suppose someone will say that it should be glaringly obvious that I'm a jerkass and that no one should like me. But I've seen much bigger jerkasses in my life and they seem to have no trouble being liked or even celebrated in some cases.

I don't know, I'm tired of trying to figure it out and no one seems all to keen on explaining it to me in words other than "Stop being an a**hole!" That actually doesn't tell me very much.

If god were merciful, wouldn't he just let me out of all this pain? Clearly I don't have the capacity to overcome it.

*sigh*

What people? Family? Who are they, those dynamics have been long defined and are not going to change overnight

With others, who is doing the approaching, you or them? Anything that can be perceived as heavy-handed? Even a handful of 3rd graders is bound to develop a rageful attitude after being around you?

Was it always this way, or since a recent meds adjustment?

Your mentioning of God tells me you have knowledge about him, do you have knowledge of him? Mercy is a nice thing to ask for, but grace is even better. See Paul's writings of the thorn in his flesh

Just about everyone I've ever met got pissed at me at some point and told me to pound sand, assuming they didn't want to inflict some sort of pain first. I don't really know how to explain why this happens, I don't know what I'm doing that pisses people off so much. It's perplexing and frustrating. And yes, it has always been this way. And don't get me started on some of the things they did to me in 3rd grade.

I lost my health insurance, I have no access to meds or doctors now. Drugs never helped though and neither did therapy. All my therapists ever did was nod and write things down.

I am not a biblical scholar by any means, but I was raised in a Catholic family. I, myself am no longer a Catholic. Honestly, my views on god and such things may have been founded in Catholicism but they have evolved beyond religious dogma and biblical symbolism. No offense to you if that sort of thing works for you. I encourage anyone to embrace religion if it helps them. It just helps me to look at religion from different stance, one that fits better into the universe as I observe it. But one hallmark of Catholics is that they tend to blame god for everything when the s**t hits the fan.(At least that's what I've witnessed.) I have not yet been able to fully shed that habit.