I want to diiiiiiieeeeeeee already

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I wish it was as easy as a cup of coffee.. I've overdosed on it several times but that makes the migraines WORSE. It's a tough balance. I can kick the pain down a few points on the scale with the right dosage at the right time - too far into the migraine I'll just puke up anything I take in.

If you want to help me, put me out of my misery with some nice music on - I already have a sucide song picked out but so far I only cut myself to it because I feel guilty for leaving my mom here to an abusive marriage she can't leave cuz of finances and there is no help here in this *** third world country. But if someone else does it, I won't need to feel guilty. I will die without ever having a single compliment from a guy let alone flowers or asked for a date no matter how much makeup I pile on, being nice to people to the point of being a doormat and only receiving s*** in return, being in horrible pain and all alone, not remembering the last time I received a hug from anyone or so much as a kind word.

And it's fine. I just want to die. This world has nothing for me but ***. Don't make me stay here.

I went out with a Latvian and Estonian once (not at same time) and they were gorgeous!! Both complained about the men there with a real passion and really liked UK men. Everything always was fine until I made an AS disclosure and I changed after it - Not them.

Good luck. Come to the UK - We need some good looking smart Baltic women in the UK. Ours are usually pretty manly in comparison.

Sorry to read this Bluerose. It sounds like you are trying to do all you can do. I think the pain may be the key problem.

I had chronic headaches for a long time & it really wore me down and made very little enjoyable. But they weren't as bad as yours. Took a second stroll accross a landscape of pain, after an accident, but this time continual for several years and came to that mental place you are now. Both times however there was eventual relief with time and new medications. Very glad I hung in there. You are not very old I would guess, so please hang on and focus on trying to get the pain reduced. You could use different doctors. Can you write to some and ask for help? Direct appeal rather then thru the system?

This may sound simplistic but have you considered getting a companion dog? I have two and they lay against me when I lay down to relieve pain and the pressure of them against my body works like a pain distraction. Not a whole lot of pain relief, but every little bit helps. Before them I used to pinch myself continually. They also provide a lot of love.

I must have missed her previous threads so I honestly am unaware of the whole story.

The way you describe your pain/migraines sounds a lot like cluster headaches.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache

The only thing I've read that calms it down is medicinal marijuana but it is not a cure.

It's fine, the previous story isn't really all that relevant and it was a whiiiile ago I posted last, so... I mean, I still feel the same way, but the pain and loneliness are really the point of it all, not wasting my time on thinking why ***s act like ***s. It just sucks I need to escape my own home on weekends and have nowhere to go and noone to be kind to me or even basic human decency.

I think my headaches are a mix of cluster and migraine, though I was officially only diagnosed with migraines. Medical marijuana is not an option in this country anyway, and I'd like to hope there is a pill I haven't tried that will help, but the painkillers that will be prescribed are limited and all of them make the nausea nastier. I do get prescription meds, but NSAIDs and triptans for some reason only work in combination and I can't imagine what they're doing to my stomach - I already have acid reflux and there's a history of gastric bleeding and general gastric problems in my family. I also have weak kidneys - have been in the hospital with them in the past, so yeah.. If I followed the instructions of the doctors I'd be in even worse pain so I just basically pop the pills like there's no tomorrow because I HAVE to but noone gets that because hey, they're just headaches :D Death is not far, it's just not going to be pretty and going to take longer than anyone'd like.