I want emotional armour

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It isn't supposed to be useful to YOU, it's MY thread!

I think of myself as an emotional haemophiliac - I have no clotting mechanism and can easily "bleed out". This last six months I am healing slightly. This is down to avoiding people, avoiding emotional and sexual encounters, and drugs - lots of drugs.

I've always said: I've tried drugs, they don't work, they make me ill - but my current drug regime is helping to keep me safe. Beta blockers, Mirtazapine, Risperidone are working together to help me get calmer, less fearful and a bit more spiritually independent.

Your boss is never going to like you more - you give him what he wants and he takes it. Since he has a position of authority over you, the relationship is essentially abusive. He's not going to leave his girlfriend for you; if he was going to he'd've done it by now. The more you try to get your boss to like you more, the more abusive the relationship will get. He will end up sacking you.

As for anorexia: you say "it'll take me a while to get to a weight where anyone cares again." This is an anorexic myth. Decent people care about others based on who the person is, not how much the person weighs. Those who will target you and "care" for you if you reach your target weight will be "waif fetishists", and I doubt you wish to be fetishised.

I took myself off the tablets I had been on. None of the tablets I've been on have ever done more than make me eat loads and get fat.

I don't want him to leave her. She makes him happy, and he seems to do the same for her. She seems like a really nice girl. If he sacked me I'd be incredibly angry. I might end up doing something I regretted like sending his pictures to the bosses or actually speaking to the girlfriend.

Medically it is true - I don't ever get treatment until I'm under certain weights. And people do tend to talk to me more when I'm thinner. I went for a couple of years being invisible, and then when I started restricting teachers started chatting with me and sitting with me at lunch.

when your self-worth is tied in to what other people do, think or say ..well, you are a slave, a puppet on a string, not a free person. Just Saying.

you are correct. i forgot. sorry.

IT'S not your thread!
It's an open discussion of ideas, beliefs and options
based on your opening ignorance
IT IS our duty as Wp posters to discuss, disabuse , discontinue and confuse
any ideas of fairness, rightness, self importance and/or any other fairly useless stereotypes on offer

i guess it is her thread. i debunked a posters attempt at posting helpful advice to her (because it was inapplicable to me), but it was not my business to do so, so i understand her hostile remonstration is not misplaced.

Actually it is my thread, which I started for the purpose of getting support.
If you want to spout rubbish then I suggest you start your OWN thread to do so.

Sorry if I snapped at you B9, I didn't mean to. I've had quite a few posts on another site be derailed and had everyone ignore my original post, so I was a little sensitive.

there is no need to apologize. you alerted me to the fact that i can often forget that i am not the only person in the world.

Simply being nosey - what classes of drug have you tried?



Yeah but, when the sh*t hits the fan the girlfriend will already know. The signs are always there for those who have eyes to see. ATM the g/f might be living in ignorance, or in denial - neither will last forever. At some point your boss will have to decide who to keep safe, who to keep sweet. As a lying cheat, his first priority will be to keep himself safe. And he will want to keep the g/f sweet. And you will pay the price. I'd suggest you start job hunting. Being in a different job will have a marked effect on the power imbalance in your relationship with boss. And it will help to keep you safe across the board.



Are you saying that you want treatment and are going to make yourself more ill until you get it? I can relate to that. I've spent years seeking treatment and being ignored. People only started to take me seriously when I was having hysterical suicidal breakdowns everywhere. Now I know that, I have learnt to have break downs on demand to get health professionals to listen to me. Not clever, but its just the way it is.

What treatment are you seeking? Or are you simply looking to be "cared for"?



My reading of this is that the teachers have a duty of care and are worried about you. Which makes me wonder if your anorexia is a strategy in order to feel cared for. If that is the case, then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being the victim in abusive relationships.

I've spent decades thinking that any relationship is better than no relationship. It's only very recently I have woken up to the fact of just how unhealthy that is.

It sounds like you are looking for a companion whom you like and who likes you as much. Does it matter to you that it is a exclusive relationship without seeing other partners? If you want it to be exclusive, in my opinion, I would give up on your boss. Even if he breaks up with his girlfriend and goes with you I think he may sooner or later become disloyal.

It's basically just match making and the more time you spend with matches with no future is the less time you work on finding the right match. So its wasted time. There must be many who would make a good match for you. That is someone you would like greatly and who feels the same about you. They might not know you yet but they are looking too.

So in short, my suggestion is to cut your losses by dropping any relationship with Ex and boss, chaulk them up to experience and lessons learned and move entirely into looking for the right person mode.

And yes, when single looking your best is important, although it doesn't entirely go away with a permanent relationship. Because if you care about your partner a lot, you will always wish to be the best you can reasonably manage for them, though it isn't quite as intense a thing for partners grow old together as do their eyes ( ). When you look at each other you can see what they were when young as well as what they are now older. It kinda blurs together pleasently. At least that is my experience.

But the process of looking your best should not include means that are unhealthy and unsustainable. Plus extreme thinness is over-rated. It might be desireable for extreme fashion displays but men usually like some softness. I might have well have dated a overly thin person, but a goal would have been to put some meat on them as soon as possible. Plus you need some fat reserves in case of emergencies, like coming down with the plague or something.

Will the signs be there though? It was only the once. We might send slightly adult messages, but not seriously. He has no intention of doing anything now. I should say as well, it all happened before I started working back there again, and he offered me the job. Surely if he felt like that he wouldn't have done so?

I don't know exactly. I just don't want to be so alone. Before, when I got sick, my parents paid for a counsellor, and the NHS sent me to a dietician. I therefore had two hours in every week where I didn't have to hold it all together, and where somebody else looked after me. Since I'm so exhausted, I'd kind of like that back.

Yes I think it kind of is. Why will that make me a victim of abusive relationships?

Yes it does matter to me, although I don't WANT my boss to drop this girl. She seems nice and makes him happy. I think what I want is the nice bits of my boss (and my ex) but in someone I could actually go out with, and (most importantly) someone who'd want to go out with me.
It just doesn't seem possible right now. I don't feel good about myself, and can't see why any guy would like me.

I believe you when you say you don't want to break them up. But realistically you are participating in an activity that may very well do that. Unless you and the other woman don't mind sharing. You are accepting that sharing at the moment, but would she if she knew? I know you can't know the answer to that.

Something that you have mentioned and may be going on is that you are being used physically. Hold that thought.

The view of yourself from the inside and the outside are very different. Yours, slightly rearranged is:

Not feeling good about yourself
Can't see why someone would like you
Don't see a good new realtionship being possible right now

Now feeling good about yourself may or may not affect the other two. Someone might like you just the way you are, or in the process of feeling good about yourself again you might make changes or go in directions that do help bring about a new partner. Just being confident itself can also be attractive. But I think that is besides the point. The main reason you want to feel good about yourself is that you are reasonably close to that you wish to be, as a person.

Feeling good about yourself again is like rebuilding yourself like a house. Do you design the house to catch someone and retain them? If you do then it will feel empty if that person walks or misplanned if that person turns out to be not so good. Your house should be designed with you in mind and able to stand alone if need be.

How to rebuild is another topic. But from the little I have seen/read I do not think you seem unlikeable so you may be being harder on yourself then others would be.

Back to that thought... I think it important to determine if the exsisting realtionships are using you and they then may be contributing to your not feeling good about yourself. Evaluate them as objectively as you can and accept the answer you come up with.

I'll guess that he sees you have a crush on him and that flatters his vanity. And you are useful back up for when he has a row with g/f. Whatever the reasons, you are on dangerous ground.


I know that one. I've currently got 3 professionals providing support, with a 4th to come.
What if - instead of starving yourself into treatment - you approach GP with mental health issues and cry out for a referral to local community mental health team? You might get a counsellor, CPN, psychiatrist out of it. Present with crippling isolation, obsessive thinking, depression - a sobbing fit might help.



You will do anything to feel cared for. You will sacrifice health, happiness, anything to feel cared for. Abusers will recognise this and home in on you. You will try to give them what they want and they will keep moving the goalposts. Slowly they will grind you down (with your consent) until they leave you. You now have a breakdown, self worth at rock bottom, identity trashed. Eventually your health will improve and it will start all over again. Have a look at the reviews on amazon for Norwood's: Women Who Love Too Much - see if it strikes a chord with you.

A reason I asked about your drug history is because I wonder if you've tried anti psychotics for obsessive thinking. They might calm your head down - give you a break within which to take stock a bit more objectively.