Suicide?

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You can always do something positive. Try to do something nice for someone. Do whatever you can to better yourself. If you are a positive influence to anyone in any way your life is worthwhile.

Take it from someone who's been faced with the choice of suicide in a desperate situation: It's not the way out. In that fateful moment, all you're focused on is yourself...and that's why its so dangerous. The temptation of suicide can be very powerful, but that's when its most important to put others before yourself. I couldn't do it alone, because I was so torn during my trial; God sent me a glimpse of the future I'd be causing, to help me make the right call.

As someone who has attempted suicide and also who had to deal with a good friends suicide, let me tell you this.

First off, you say you'll make their problems easier if you are gone. No, you won't. While you may make day to day living easier, you will be adding a whole shedload of serious psychological problems to them that they will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Basically, you won't be making things easier, you will be f*****g up the rest of their life.

Second off, unless your life is so completely unbearable that you wish for death constantly and you have tried every antidepressant and combination thereof and therapy and it's still that bad for you, then no, don't do it. You say you have all these problems and I believe you. Do you really want to add "Tried to kill herself" to the list?

You talk about obesity and ugliness and not fitting in. Well, I'm not a big girl, but that's still something you can do something about. I'm not very easy on the eyes either. I've had to f**k around with makeup and hair for years to get something where I felt like I wasn't horrible just going outside. GossMakeupArtist on YouTube has wonderful tutorials. He uses a normal looking friend or himself to show you how to put it on. This is much better because it's very dissapointing to spend an hour doing your makeup, running from the livingroom to the bathroom, pausing after every step and then go do that step and come back and then do the other, and when you are done you look nothing like the pretty 26 year old girl showing you what to do. I've done that more times than I can imagine and I end up looking like Endora from Bewitched (I'm almost 50). You have to make the best of what you have. There is nobody out there, other than that lady who had her face ripped off by that pet gorilla her best friend had, who cannot make some improvements with makeup. Look up makeup tutorials from Youtube.

As for the not fitting in, fake it. It won't feel right at first and it sucks that we have to. Watch what other people say and do. Then do that. Don't copy the really popular ones, cause they get by with more than anybody else does. Find some middle of the road, nice person who has some friends. Somebody not too outspoken. Force yourself to learn and copy. That's how I've done it. After a while it starts coming naturally, although you will always have aspie stuff leaking out. But if you become MAINLY normal, they will just think you are eccentric and interesting.

Don't kill yourself. If you do, you never know what good thing that might have happened tomorrow or next week or next month you missed out on. Yeah, that's Pollyanna sounding but it's true. Life can surprise you that way. Unless you have this horrible "Everybody hates me, I'm awful, I'm not even gonna try, It's cause of my AS, I'm hopeless" attitude that you can't make yourself stop thinking, then good things can happen.

Also, there are only about two for sure ways to do it. Waking up tied to the bed in the ICU with charcoal all over you is not fun. Then you have to sit in the psych ward for 72 hours and endure listening to relaxing audio tapes, go to group therapy and listen to other people's problems, and the absolute worst is you will be put in a room with the other people, given crayons and paper and some fakely happy lady will play new age music for you and ask you to draw what the music makes you feel. You don't even get any actual help after a suicide attempt. Well, meds, but that takes a while to kick in and in the meantime you have to endure that crap. Don't do it. It's a lot harder to kill yourself than you think. Also, if you do choose to do it, and choose one of the two sure ways, think about the people who have to clean it up. One of the kids friends works for a company that cleans up after fires, floods, crime scenes, etc. Recently this hairdresser blew her head off with a shotgun. The body was gone but she left one hellacious mess. That 26 year old boy came over to our house after he was done with work that day, crying over it. He had to pick bone and brain up. He had to scrub the wood floor. He had to scrub and then recover the sheetrock with mud and then repaint it. He also said it stunk to high heaven. You really want to do that to a perfect stranger who might be a nice 26 year old kid who got so messed up from that that he couldn't go to work for two days after? No you don't. I won't even get into the mess made from jumping from a high building and the impact on all the total strangers.

Just don't do it. It's not worth it.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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