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Dammit, trying so hard....

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alpineglow
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30 Aug 2014, 5:54 pm

Sweetleaf ~ Tallyman is right there is always some light out there.

Sweetleaf wrote:
...But yeah basically just trying to get through this very dark patch that seems to have come upon me.....and still trying to find things to intrest me and what not, and thinking of possible things I can do to enjoy my time more or whatever but easier said than done.

What interests a person, even if they act on it just a little bit, can be a bridge to a lighter spot.
Sometimes, having my 2 cats and drawing and random ideas for recipes for cooking are enough to get me through. It sounds lame, but it works well enough to keep me going for the time being. :shrug:



sly279
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31 Aug 2014, 1:55 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I don't think I have it in me at least not yet, too much fear about what comes next and the thought of nothing at all is more scary than anything else to me. I was having a real hard time of it earlier this year, I felt pretty backed into a corner living with my family still and I got to a point where I had to make a change. I made the decision to move up to the city by myself, I'm fortunate enough that my parents can pay my rent and I live in a low cost city but I'm not living it up by any means. It hasn't solved my issues but at least it is a direction, you know? I'm trying to work on my mental well being and other help as well, it's frustrating how slow the whole process is and I've barely begun but I neglected it for years so this is what I get I guess.

I'm not saying you should move out specifically but I think you should try to find a direction to point yourself towards. The worst is disappointment, I think I'd take it pretty hard if I flunked out of this but it's one of those "eff it, lets go down swinging" type deals. What is the worst that could honestly happen? You find yourself right back in the place you started? Meh, wasn't like I was doing anything anyways so I don't have anything to lose. You just got to reduce it down to the basics and hope the finer points come into focus later on, you'll cross those bridges when they come. What is the baseline for what you want out of life? What do you already know that you want big or small? I don't where I'll be 5 years from now, I certainly didn't expect to be where I am now 5 years ago so I'll just take things one step at a time. I know I'm packing a lot of cliches in here for which I apologize, I'm sure you've heard them all before. Hang in there.


I don't know don't have a specific fear of what comes next...I mean whats the worse that could happen, hell? well don't think it would be all that different than how I feel now. But seriously I am afraid of attempting suicide, even was when I actually attempted but that's also due to survival instinct obviously we are programmed to fight to live, the body will try to survive no matter what which is part of what creates what people know as fear....interesting since we all die anyways someday.

But yeah basically just trying to get through this very dark patch that seems to have come upon me.....and still trying to find things to intrest me and what not, and thinking of possible things I can do to enjoy my time more or whatever but easier said than done.


yep survior instinct is annoying. maybe for the best though.

shows can help I find. though I tend to spend a long time. I enjoy the hot water going over me.
my room is quit messy, mainly from lack of space. I have to be in a cleaning mood to clean. never know when tht happens. it just does, then i'll clean a lot. other wise i don't. though kinda hard to clean when I feel so down I just don't have the energy to do anything.

ok if I ehug you?



Sweetleaf
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01 Sep 2014, 1:35 am

sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Jacoby wrote:
I don't think I have it in me at least not yet, too much fear about what comes next and the thought of nothing at all is more scary than anything else to me. I was having a real hard time of it earlier this year, I felt pretty backed into a corner living with my family still and I got to a point where I had to make a change. I made the decision to move up to the city by myself, I'm fortunate enough that my parents can pay my rent and I live in a low cost city but I'm not living it up by any means. It hasn't solved my issues but at least it is a direction, you know? I'm trying to work on my mental well being and other help as well, it's frustrating how slow the whole process is and I've barely begun but I neglected it for years so this is what I get I guess.

I'm not saying you should move out specifically but I think you should try to find a direction to point yourself towards. The worst is disappointment, I think I'd take it pretty hard if I flunked out of this but it's one of those "eff it, lets go down swinging" type deals. What is the worst that could honestly happen? You find yourself right back in the place you started? Meh, wasn't like I was doing anything anyways so I don't have anything to lose. You just got to reduce it down to the basics and hope the finer points come into focus later on, you'll cross those bridges when they come. What is the baseline for what you want out of life? What do you already know that you want big or small? I don't where I'll be 5 years from now, I certainly didn't expect to be where I am now 5 years ago so I'll just take things one step at a time. I know I'm packing a lot of cliches in here for which I apologize, I'm sure you've heard them all before. Hang in there.


I don't know don't have a specific fear of what comes next...I mean whats the worse that could happen, hell? well don't think it would be all that different than how I feel now. But seriously I am afraid of attempting suicide, even was when I actually attempted but that's also due to survival instinct obviously we are programmed to fight to live, the body will try to survive no matter what which is part of what creates what people know as fear....interesting since we all die anyways someday.

But yeah basically just trying to get through this very dark patch that seems to have come upon me.....and still trying to find things to intrest me and what not, and thinking of possible things I can do to enjoy my time more or whatever but easier said than done.


yep survior instinct is annoying. maybe for the best though.

shows can help I find. though I tend to spend a long time. I enjoy the hot water going over me.
my room is quit messy, mainly from lack of space. I have to be in a cleaning mood to clean. never know when tht happens. it just does, then i'll clean a lot. other wise i don't. though kinda hard to clean when I feel so down I just don't have the energy to do anything.

ok if I ehug you?


Probably is for the best, I usually feel a bit better after a shower, even a bit better mentally...don't really know why but it is what it is. But yeah waiting till i am in the mood, the other day I just sort of organized one of the closets in my room.


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Thanatos86
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03 Sep 2014, 4:54 pm

I had constant suicide ideation for almost a decade.

I then tried killing myself.

That put an end to my suicide ideation and all I'm left with is the reality that I was trying to escape from.



Sweetleaf
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03 Sep 2014, 9:01 pm

I attempted once, hasn't really seemed to get in the way of suicidal ideation since then...but I don't have it all the time just when the depression and PTSD are really kicking my ass...or when I am trying to enjoy stuff and just feel empty. After my actual attempt I thought that experience might deter me from looking at it as an option when I am in that dark pit I can't seem to climb out of too well but not really. So I dunno, so just try and make sure if I am having such thoughts if I get close to acting on it to get help...but largely because there are people who'd be quite upset to find me dead...not that I like having to go in the psych ward but I think there was certainly a risk of severe harm or death the last couple times I went had I not gone.


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em_tsuj
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03 Sep 2014, 9:37 pm

I've discovered something recently. When I feel overwhelmed, I think of death. After I face whatever is making me stressed, the thoughts go away. When I am physiologically depressed, I think of death (I have almost constant suicidal ideation when I use caffeine because I crash into a depressive state after the initial buzz wears off. I stopped using caffeine for a few days and the thoughts stopped). Somehow my mind confuses stress/anxiety for me wanting to die. Caffeine (as a stimulant) also releases those stress chemicals in my body, which trigger the thoughts.

What triggers your suicidal ideation? It might sound too clinical, too much like cognitive behavioral therapy, but your thoughts really are triggered by events (and emotions), so are cravings for certain things.



Sweetleaf
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03 Sep 2014, 11:12 pm

em_tsuj wrote:
I've discovered something recently. When I feel overwhelmed, I think of death. After I face whatever is making me stressed, the thoughts go away. When I am physiologically depressed, I think of death (I have almost constant suicidal ideation when I use caffeine because I crash into a depressive state after the initial buzz wears off. I stopped using caffeine for a few days and the thoughts stopped). Somehow my mind confuses stress/anxiety for me wanting to die. Caffeine (as a stimulant) also releases those stress chemicals in my body, which trigger the thoughts.

What triggers your suicidal ideation? It might sound too clinical, too much like cognitive behavioral therapy, but your thoughts really are triggered by events (and emotions), so are cravings for certain things.


Stress seems to trigger it, as well as feeling frustrated and fed up with PTSD symptoms, not being able to enjoy things I like, feeling like crap even in good/pleasant situations. As for caffeine it can really help with getting up in the morning, and I do like it...though if I already feel on edge I avoid it since it doesn't help that and am more likely to have calming tea rather than black tea or coffee.

I don't really find caffeine to have much of an effect on my thinking.


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