19 Mar 2007, 11:20 am
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19 Mar 2007, 3:28 pm
oddly enough people tend to leave me alone when I want to be alone. It's odd, i don't know that i am giving these signals away but people tend to leave me alone. it makes me feel bad at times because you are unsure about what your body is telling people. Sometimes i want people to talk to me but they just leave me alone and since I cannot initiate any conversations...well it tends to spiral downwards from there. I hate the fact that i seem to blame myself for the actions of others. if someone does not speak to me then I tend to believe that i have done something wrong. the problem is i don't really know what it is. I sometimes want to connect to people but i simply cannot.There is always a voice in my head telling me what to do and how to do it. how people intepret my actions leads to further anxiety. I wish that people could just understand that i am something else that cannot be understood by using their logic. It's hard to explain the reasons for your actions when you are unsure about them yourself. the fact that i feel as though I have to pretend to be someone else whenever i am with different people is begining to get to me. i guess that i tend to imitate people therefore two people will see completely different sides of me. i do not belive that anyone will ever see the true me because I believe that it doesn't exist. i am the product of the assimilated personalities that i've encountered throughout my life. Somewhere along the road i must have lost sight of myself. So i'll scream as loud as I can.....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 
19 Mar 2007, 4:47 pm
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19 Mar 2007, 10:24 pm
19 Mar 2007, 11:24 pm
Here are some things i can think of off the top of my head
-what makes these flats so special? -you can add more to that of your [non standoffish] opinion, "to me, as long as they wont rust or break, its all the same" your mom of course would respond to this and depending on the way you said it, or how she feels towards you, she'll try to explain why
-since when did you start liking carpets so much? something you took after your mom?
-"you know, i think red would look better in this room with that carpet"-more opinion, etc
Graelwyn, this has much more to do with your relationship with your mother than it does with having AS and "thinking differently". I can see your not as "materialistic", but you have to put yourself in her shoes, maybe these are one of her few interests that please her in some way you dont really understand. I see a mother who's at least trying to have some conversation and spending time with her daughter in one of the few ways that she can. Now im not taking sides, im just showing you that we all in one way have to deal with what weve been given. You could take this opportunity and make it into so much more than being told about her "materialistic" interests. I noticed you said you dont give a f__k about this sort of stuff, this is the type of attitude that doesn't help you in social situations, in fact makes it worse. Imagine if we lived in a world where everything that you said HAD to really please the other person intellectually and emotionally? Thats a tough paradigm to live, instead, while your in the conversation attempt to make it interesting for you as well.
EDIT: LOL, disregard the flats part, ive never heard that referring to an apartment/house/place of stay
Actually, I beg to differ with you. It has to do with AS and my relationship with my mother in equal parts. I have issues communicating and getting my thoughts across most of the time...and my mother generally has little interest in or time for any of my interests. I need a lot of time to myself...in silence...and she was interrupting that time by talking on and on which I did not know how to deal with other than by getting angry... so yes, it is very much an AS issue. I have a fear of her anger, the same as I fear anyone's anger and harsh words...another AS thing, so I read. You seem to have a remarkable understanding of social ways for someone with AS or on the autistic spectrum... I am assuming that is the reason you are here?
As to my 'I don't give a F about such things'...this is the Haven...it is a place for people to rant and say what is on their mind at that time...and so I said it, tyvm.
Your fear of anothers anger, NOT an AS thing, thats just a human thing. Most people dont like being told harsh words and being the subject of someones anger, but we learn to get used to it because its gonna happen a lot. I think although you might have problems communicating your thoughts, this feeling maybe holds you back, not as much your AS.
Anyways, i hope you always make very good conversation when your around people, i wouldnt want you feeling bad about having the other person get very angry towards you over it.
20 Mar 2007, 4:32 am
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