I am expected to write letters of forgiveness.

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And I thought I was screwed up.

While I didn't have to deal with the exposure to hardcore pornography like you did, I was always the goat in most situations. Mom and Dad didn't care what they used to discipline me or my brothers. They disciplined us the same way their parents disciplined them: with whatever they had in their hands at the time, along with verbal and mental abuse. With mom, I've said it here before: her father saw action in WW II. I don't know what kind of action (I always suspected D-Day, but no one ever talked or bother to ask him about his time in the Army, since he was always drunk and could turn on you faster than you could say sh!t. When he was sober, he was an strict authoritarian. When he yelled "Jump!", you responded "How high?", then did the deed. If he said "Sh!t!", you responded, "How much, What color and consistency, and where do you want it?" Heaven help you if you didn't deliver. Her mother was just as bad, although she didn't drink. Mom wanted to be a schoolteacher. Her father would have none of it, since, in his mind, the only reason women went to college was to get laid. He was also of the mindset that women were to be kept in the kitchen at all times, fat, dumb and pregnant. In short, she was an unwanted child. Her brother got a helluva lot better treatment than her, mostly because he was a drinking buddy to Poppa. You can probably guess who got his estate (what was left of it, since he spent his final days in one of the worst nursing homes in the area. He suffered from dementia, due to Alzheimer's).

Dad, on the other hand, was a different story. His father was the town Don Juan. When his father left, he was responsible for not only his mother, but his older sisters and younger brothers. Dad's method of coping was clowning around with his customers. Problem was, when it came to me, it was nothing but insults, heckling, screaming, and embarrassment, as well as corporal punishment, when the need arose. No matter what I would do to make him proud of me, he would never acknowledge any achievements I made.

Add to that fact that was a gullible as anything, and wore my heart on my sleeve. When you live on the wrong side of the tracks, that's the worst thing anyone can do. I can't begin to count the number of times the local male bullies would take my horn, take my book bag, take my gym bag, and beat me over the head with those items. I also can't begin to count the number of times the female bullies would try to get in my pants. If I told my parents what happened, I'd get my arse beat by them because I allowed it to happen.

So, KL, I feel for you. Your poison is alcohol, mine's food, since I would overeat to numb the pain, as well as spend money like it's water. I still overeat to this day, since I still haven't figured out to ease the pain (and at age 58, I doubt that I ever will, since I've pretty much given up finding other ways to cope.)

Sometimes we can't help blaming and being angry with ourselves. And sometimes that's what's keeping us feeling preoccupied with being angry with other people. I don't think it's necessary to forgive in order to move forward. Being actively angry with others who have hurt you and blamed you, though, can trigger self blame that's very hard to live with no different than any other site or sound, thought or memory. I think we get angry to try to protect ourselves, but blaming and being angry with ourselves is just destructive.

I don't think trauma survivors need to forgive others and I think that's the wrong approach, but letting go of being angry with yourself, forgiving yourself for what was never your fault no matter what you were told, that is important; in whatever way you can.

Can you find meaning in what you went through by doing something to protect others? Not from the same people who hurt you, but from something?

Well, I just expressed that I had these great feelings of shame to a couple of people in my fellowship.

The response I got was simple. "You are just having a self-pity party and looking for attention."

I speak how I honestly feel, and it usually gets dismissed like that. Maybe I am just having a self-pity party. Maybe I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps and get the f**k on with my life. Who knows?

I am wondering if there are differing sensitivity levels at play.
The sponsors, the members, all have exposure to different circumstances, some traumatic I am sure. Could there be some depersonalisation/derealisation influencing the people in your support network? Are they simply lay people muddling through life, or are trained professionals part of the support group?

Your feelings are valid, just because others dismiss your feelings of shame do not do the same; it won't help you move forward if you deny what is very real for you.

I think a lot of people in the fellowship have no idea what it is like to live through what I have survived to date, and that is reflected in their responses to my pervasive state of being traumatized.

I do not like how I have turned out. I want to be stronger than this.

Patience, friend. You are not a finished product yet. Neither are the others in your fellowship, whom do not understand your own situation as theirs were different. They have their own demons to fight and don't likely have the ability to handle those of others.

I'm glad you keep us updated here on WP as we are not judgmental or trying to compete here, even in an unintended way. You are accepted here with no need to make excuses for what belongs in the past and was not under your control.

But.... but.... patience is not in my vocabulary. What is this weird concept known as patience? I want to recover, and I want the 9th step promises to come true for me before I finish my 4th step, damn it!

Some thoughts for today: what happened to you is not who you are. Events are not identity.

I have been told by a dual long-term recovering addict (16 continuous years off heroin and alcohol), whom I know well, that he found AA groups can be judgmental in ways that he has only very rarely experienced in NA groups. I have no experience of AA so can only take his word for that, yet I do have other experience which does tend to give validity to what he says.

To use a really broad generalisation - too broad in many cases - alcoholism tends to be a disease of denial; whereas drug addiction tends to be a disease of self-destruction. There is a truism used in recovery circles that alkies are trying to drug away anger, while druggies are trying to drug away pain. It may be that sometimes in AA there is some shadowing of anger projection on other members, which is a form of denial - and this is a thought I had while reading your post. (Most addicts are trying to blot out both, actually, though perhaps not in the same order or same intensity or same way).

I am really surprised by what you have related about the group you are going to; if you hadn't told me that it was a 12 step group, I wouldn't have guessed from some of the things that have been said to you. Beware of anyone - in the group or out of it - who wants to blame and shame you rather than share their own recovery journey in a spirit of fellowship and support; the 12 step literature continually emphasizes support and encouragement as a paramount basis for communication between members, an enormous amount has been written about not judging other people's recovery journeys, and it concerns me that you are reporting this.

If you ever want to, you could go to NA as a visitor - this happens and is acceptable between different types of 12 step groups - you declare where you are visiting from when your turn comes to introduce yourself at the start of the meeting. It may be that you could experience some different perspective there which may be refreshing to your spirit when it is feeling a bit battered by your home group.

I'm not certain if you're on the spectrum OP, but people's response to genuine emotions expressed by someone with ASD is often colored by their experience of the communication as different and therefore suspect. I agree with the suggestion of trying a different group. It may not be that anyone is heartless, but these invalidating responses will hurt you.

I very much am on the spectrum. Due to my manner of speech, most people automatically assume that I live with an intellectual disability. That could have something to do with how people in my home group have been talking to me.

My experience in recovery is that therapists are better than 12 step members. That's because my core issue is trauma stemming from childhood abuse and neglect. There is so much going on in the brain because of childhood trauma that most people don't know about. ignorant people with good intentions push emotional buttons that create a lot of unnecessary pain. A good therapist who is experienced in treating survivors of trauma won't do that. When I tried to do a 4th step years into my recovery I could not do it until I got a good therapist because I started remembering a lot of childhood abuse, stuff I blocked out. It took almost six years to get through a fourth step because facing the feelings associated with the abuse was so painful. Today, having processed those feelings and learning from my therapist what to expect, I am much more at peace. I don't get triggered my the same things, feeling the same pain over and over again. I strongly encourage you to rely on therapy instead of recovery to deal with the trauma.

They want you to write 'letters of forgiveness' to child molesters? I think I would be punching someone in the face....I have to say you have a lot of restraint compared to me. And cannot say much as it has to do with someone I know a bit more than me since it happened to them and I was a more or less unaware witness. I was willing to help put him away into prison but forgiveness....no.

I am getting a lot more out of my therapy than what I am getting from my 12-step sponsor. People in my 12-step fellowship are telling me that I am "not willing to recover" if I am not willing to have empathy for the people who abused me when I was a child. That rubs me the wrong way.

As far as finding meaning in what I went through, that is pretty simple. I know what it feels like to survive that gaubtlet, which makes me infinitely more useful to others who are in the same boat than people who have not the slightest clue what it is like.

I do not want to think all of this was for nothing.

It does not have to be for nothing.

My guess, and I've no way to know for sure, but I really wonder if your story is too horrible for them to be able (not willing---able) to understand or believe. That does not make you unbelievable. And I think B19 is probably right that NA might seem less mainstream.

I believe you can get past this and it does not have to be for nothing, however, I don't believe you can do that without good people giving to you in ways that are healing. I don't believe that can be done alone.

Well, I woke up this morning after a sleep that was loaded with nightmares. That is every night for me, where I am reminded of my past in a way that puts me back in those moments.

Addictions are not going to help me with this. I know that, because I have tried that route for the last 20 years of my life.

I feel a strong sense of entitlement, like anybody would drink like a fish if they have lived through what I have experience.

Then again, I also know that strong sense of entitlement is very much a BS sentiment. Maker's Mark is not going to wash away what I do not want to live with.

I wonder where my self-respect is. Sometimes it shows up in my life. I am not really feeling it around right now, though.